‘Thank you for your application…’

Not only are they thanking you for submitting your generic covering letter, they’ve also been dazzled by your embellished CV. Great stuff, but don’t pop the cork just yet, there’s still work to be done. If you’d like to be relieved from the despair of daytime television, Jimmy’s Fried Chicken & Kebab, and conversations with the postman, you’ll really have to nail the interview. Follow these reliable steps and you’ll be nailing jelly to the wall.

ONE. Wear a bowtie – Yes ladies, you too. Nothing says ‘I can get the job done.’ quite like a tuxedo. You weren’t just going to wear the tie were you? That’s the kind of half-baked mentality that will make you ‘unsuccessful on this occasion.’

TWO. A pipe never fails to impress.

THREE. Establish your character with a firm handshake. It’s likely you’ve spent most of your time ‘in between jobs’ putting more hours into the PS3 and bashing all hell out of your bishop than applying for jobs, so try not to crush the interviewers hand.

FOUR. Research the company. Inside information will have employers feeling like you’re part of the team before the interview is up. Who’s sleeping with who? Who got kicked out of the local last Friday? Who used a sick day to get their Christmas shopping done?

FIVE. Put your feet up. Drag a chair over; plant them on the desk, whatever. It’ll make you appear comfortable.

SIX. Smile. Don’t be afraid to show some teeth. A nice smile can put a room at ease, especially if you have the kind of face that found its way into the adoption program.

SEVEN. If you don’t have an iPhone, rent one.

EIGHT. You’re going to want to appear like the hottest prospect since Mylie Cyrus, so get a friend to call you a couple times. ‘Sorry, could you give me a minute? I have to take this.’ Step out of the room, make a show of it, take a few tokes of that pipe.

NINE. They are going to want you ask a few questions of your own. This is a great chance to sell yourself, not the time to ask about the boring stuff you could have Googled. Try something suggestive like, ‘Is there a local gym?’ Flex the biceps a little.

TEN. ‘We are impressed by your visual eccentricities and the past experiences documented on your CV. But could you share with us some of your weaker points?’ Every candidate goes silent at this point. It’s a question you never take the time get your mind around, so when asked all you can think about are the weak points you don’t particularly wish to share. ADD, your disregard for authority, anger management sessions, the real reason you’re unemployed, rehab, your criminal record, the lady under your floorboards, it’s not really your iPhone, etc. Don’t say ANY of these things! Instead, with a face straighter than Ron Burgundy’s say, ‘I don’t have any.’

Now if you don’t get the job after that you may just fancy reassessing what you plan to do with the rest of your life.

A to the . . .

Why Is A Metrosexual?

It’s a question I’ve given thought to for as long as people have tried to convince me that pink is indeed my colour. Contrary to common clichés my disregard isn’t a matter of discomfort with my sexuality. My Oyster card simply doesn’t cover the bandwagon.

A broad misconception of the metrosexual is that he is the grey area between the hetero and homosexual male; I find this reasoning unfounded. I am also indifferent to ideas that are heavily anchored by the metrosexual’s fashion sense. Are we so quick to forget the skinny jeans and tight T-Shirts of Grease’s T-Birds, and Danny’s compulsion to ensure his hair was always kept in righteous order? Replace the leather jacket with a cardigan (which Danny eventually did) and we have today’s man.

So why then is a metrosexual? Well it’s more to do with social evolution than androgyny. And knowing how narrow minded we men can be, would it be so far fetched to pitch that this wave of image consciousness and liberal mind states is all a bid to improve our chances of getting laid? To swipe a term from Neil Strauss’ No. 1 bestseller The Game (the autobiography of a pick up artist), it appears that the metro is on a twenty-four hour peacocking binge.

“PEACOCK-verb; ‘to dress in loud clothing or with flashy accoutrements in order to get attention from women…”

The metro’s uniform is of importance and I do not wish to downplay this aspect. Their brash splashes of pastels and flashy accoutrements are arguably as noteworthy to their identity as black apparel is to Goths. The fashion codes may allow you to point out stereotypes and sub-cultures, but it doesn’t provide a clear indication of what they’re all about.

You see, this most certainly is a man’s world, but it wouldn’t be nothing without a woman. The further we drift from the creation of fire, the wheel, and the brilliance of sliced bread, the more this becomes undeniable. The liberal perception of the metrosexual stems from his acceptance of female independence in the Western world. A man’s car no longer holds defining value as it’s now more likely a woman will have her own. If a fight breaks out she’ll have her earrings off and hair tied back before a punch is landed. And what can he buy her that she can’t get herself . . . in the correct size with matching accessories?

It was once our differences that drew men and women together. As these differences have gradually dissolved men have sought alternative and less primitive methods of snaring their prey. Metrosexuality in this case is an expression of the similarities between men and women, simultaneously associating itself with stereotypes of homosexuality. After all, if you can’t beat them join them.

All is not lost for the macho, macho man. You’d lose a fair bit of money betting against a woman’s yearn for a man in uniform, hard hats, or Diet Coke breaks. The metro’s cutting edge is that he picks and chooses from the general consensus of what women want. He can keep the muscles and drop the dirty nails; the Timberland’s are traded in for plimsolls.

Modern men, regardless the colours of our shirts are dropping chauvinistic tendencies for more open-minded principles. And no one is waving the flag with more vigor than the metrosexual.



A to the . . .

One For £5 or Three For £10

Apparently watching pirate DVDs is the equivalent of breaking into someone’s home and stealing their television . . . or strolling into a DVD store and helping yourself to a five finger discount . . . worse still, the anti-pirate DVD campaigns imply that if you watch pirate DVDs you might as well be snatching handbags from old ladies. And if that wasn’t enough we’re even faced with an FBI warning informing us that watching, buying or selling pirate DVDs is a ‘serious’ crime and we could face a fine or imprisonment if caught…

…yet oddly enough no one is shaking in their slippers.

Surely it’s counter productive that the anti-pirate message is delivered across licensed DVDs, presumably to an audience that are in all probability too scared to purchase a pirate DVD from their ‘local dealer’. I’m also guessing these ads are only affective in the sense that they may keep contributing members of the entertainment industry on the straight and narrow.

I do not wish to sway decisions and drag people down with me, but there are several reasons to purchase a pirate DVD, and even more reasons to download them yourself.

Trading Places
Pirated DVD’s are of course cheaper than store purchases, and in most instances a pirate DVD is cheaper than a cinema ticket. If you pay less than £5 to watch a movie in London don’t expect much at all, in fact, don’t even expect to see the movie you paid for.

This price war has forced entertainment stores to drastically cut the prices of both new and old DVDs. You can actually purchase licensed DVD’s for less that £5 in most of the large stores and online… but these are usually old films that went straight to DVD . . . and then straight to the stockroom. That ‘Classic’ sticker isn’t fooling anyone.

Be Kind Rewind
Take your pick; the bootleggers are just as technically savvy as the production and distribution industries. Movie piracy is no longer a case of ‘I’ll take whatever I can get.’ now it’s more a case of ‘What do you want?’ Back when VHS was the hottest dung on the field you could never expect too much from your purchase. The screen was always too dark, the sound was always doubtful, and you had to endure an audience who couldn’t sit still or be quiet . . . and why was the camera always at an off angle?

Nowadays if you purchase a pirate DVD and it’s not DVD quality you find that son of a bitch and either get your money back or whoop his ass! Whatever happened to customer satisfaction?

Back To The Future
Yes we are, and usually a couple of weeks before the movie has even premiered. I love it when people ask me if I’m going to watch the next hot flick and I reply ‘Seen it already’. It’s a testament to the determination, dedication and discipline of the bootlegging industry. Eventually bootleggers will start making the blockbusters before the production companies . . . keep an eye on your scripts!

Misery
Many of the irritations that come with the cinematic experience can easily be avoided in the comfort of your own home . . . or better still, in the comfort of your own bed.

Another selling point of piracy is that it brings the action to your door. You don’t have to endure two hours of loud chewing, phone ringing, popcorn tossing, and chair kicking miscreants! And that’s usually after waiting in line for twenty minutes.



Die Hard
In a feeble attempt at somewhat balancing the piracy debate, there is a serious downside to pirate movies that we shouldn’t overlook. Is it not after all a common fact that piracy funds terrorism? If this is startling news to you please research all the facts behind this anti-piracy statement . . . and then tell me what you find. I’ve seen enough of Bin Laden’s videos to know he’s not making a profit from knock-off DVDs.

No Country For Old Men
A variety of measures could be taken in an attempt at reducing piracy’s affect on the entertainment industry. Let’s not forget that this debate doesn’t only include movies, other mediums are also looking for a means of cutting down piracy and increasing legitimate sales. The music and gaming industries have both taken a hit, and while music technology has in fact made it a lot easier to steal albums, gaming has made it a riskier ploy by ‘rigging’ consoles disabling them from playing pirate copies.

I would spend more of my hard earned cash on cinema tickets and DVDs if better quality movies were produced. I’ve been hoodwinked, cajoled, bamboozled and had the wool pulled over my eyes way to many times to rely on the next big flick being the next big flick. If the big shots want more bums in seats we should get a lot more Juno, No Country For Old Men, Snakes On A Plane (Yes, Snakes On A Plane) and Death Proof for our money. And with that said…

A to the . . .

Thankfully He’s No Adam West

It of course makes no sense for me to review a movie without watching it . . . so instead I'll review two movies I’m yet to see. More like two movies I am eager to watch. The buzz surrounding the highly anticipated and latest instalment of the Batman series (is it the sequel or like part six?) The Dark Knight has caught my attention and prompted me into downloading Batman Begins.

…Unfortunately my attempt was halted by a shoddy copy which forced me to restart my PC; shame on me : (

Luckily enough things have a habit for working out for me, and a colleague has borrowed me the Batman Begins two Disc Special DVD. Another victory for the freeloading mastermind, hoorah!

I can’t tell you much about the movie for previously noted reasons, but I can tell you why I’m eager to watch it. For me Batman Begins appears to be one of the movies that regrettably slipped through my viewing net. Nowadays we’re not blessed with great films to view in the cinema every month, so we’ve attached ourselves to television shows such as Heroes, Prison Break and Desperate Housewives to stimulate our couch potato lifestyles. When we’re told that they’re making another Superman, Batman or Spiderman movie we (mean I) think “Ahh, not this shit again”…

In Spiderman’s defence the trilogy was well executed and had a healthy and consistent balance of drama, action, entertainment and character development. Superman of the other hand… well let’s just say I have no desire to watch his return.

Now Batman is in a league of his own thanks to Val Kilmer and George Clooney’s career threatening attempts. And let us swiftly forget Arnold playing Mr. Freeze . . . oh Lord. So surely I can be forgiven for snubbing the return of a superhero who has no superpowers? And who’s ever been to Metropolis or Gotham City? The challenge of a making a great Batman movie has swallowed a few teams along the way. Do we highlight his comic book roots, or his dark natured background? Only a goose would choose the prior and make Batman a family film… twice! Was Adam West’s portrayal of The Dark Knight ever taken seriously? Would you ever look at that portrayal of Batman and think Dark Knight? No! You’d think, “Get a real job! I don’t want my taxes paying for your crime fighting benevolence.”



Trailers of The Dark Night have left me in awe at the psychopathic nature and revamped look of The Joker. You’d think twice before calling this guy a clown. The latest movies have certainly grown up from the Clooney days, and we should all pray that they don’t reintroduce that little rascal Robin. I’d really be disappointed if I popped in the Batman Begins DVD and saw that poor excuse for a sidekick.

I like the fact that they’ve hit the ‘Restart’ button on the Batman legacy as a continuation would always draw the audience back to Bruce Wayne’s slapstick past… POW! . . . ZAP! . . . BIFF! . . . WTF! By telling Batman’s story from the beginning once again were presented with a new character to assess, one who can’t be affiliated with the shameless characters that came before him. We’re presented with another chance to deem Batman worthy of superhero status and to apply credit to his disposition and intentions.

It would appear that this time around Batman hasn’t returned primarily to fill seats or sell action figures. He’s back to show that there is a great story behind his character, there is depth, and there are hopefully reasons to forget that it’s just a film.

Now if I watch it and it’s the same old shit I’ll be back here to burn Bruce down to the ground! . . . and that silly car of his too.

A to the . . .

iHustle

Are their any good builders out there? Finding one isn’t as simple as getting good crack in the eighties is it? Damn, they lock up all the drug pushers and let the real cowboys roam the streets. Every time these dusty boot crooks leave my house they get a wad of cash and leave what appears to be a job well done . . . “Cheers Bob, thanks once again.”

. . . that is until you turn the tap and find it’s still leaking, or take a good look at walls and find that the paint job is uneven. My days . . . bet you never see him again . . . “If I ever get my hands on Bob!”

Maybe I should have been a builder . . . I’m not joking.

• You don’t need any qualifications
• You don’t need to apply to any companies
• You don’t even need to actually know how to complete the job you’ve been assigned

All you really need is some dirty overalls, a pair of old boots and a little bit of marketing. You’ve got 66.6% of those things lying around your house. Invest in some tools . . . I’m sure you have some already, but it won’t look too professional if you’re screwing in nails with a table knife.

Another great aspect of this hustle is that all money earned is tax free. If you’re not contracted to an organization you’ll be paid cash in hand . . . which turns into cash in bank. No tax, no National Insurance and the student loans bureaucracy can kiss my asshole! Cheeks spread and all! . . . Excuse me.

When speaking of hustling the drug game is unappealing to me because apposed to the builder’s trade it is too risky and has way too many expenses. In the builders trade customers are charged for additional supplies or equipment. Need some pipes? Your clients have to pay for it. Need some tiles? Your clients have to pay for it. It’s a cost effective hustle. In the drug trade you pay for any additional supplies i.e. scales, utensils, packaging, weaponry, etc.

If you want to sell drugs you need cash up front for your supplier. That’s already investment spending . . . as we business minded folks are aware, no investments are certain. You could splash out on some stock and:

• Get jacked by a rival gang
• Realise that the market is too competitive (you must sell stock at a lower rate)
• Law enforcements could confiscate your narcotics
• You may forget it on the train
• Your girlfriend might smoke it all (bitch)

Far less hazards are met as a builder, but they do of course exist. To maximise your hustle you must stop thinking like a drug pusher who is worried about being shot or arrested and start thinking like a builder. Here a few pointers that should make life a lot easier for you.

One . . .

It’s worth noting that builders don’t ride public transports; it’s not just an image. They need to lug about heavy/large equipment. So get yourself a van or lorry. Don’t worry they’re dirt cheap on the second hand marker. Yes this is an investment spend, but it will pay itself off and can also be used for leisure . . . I’ll pick you up at eight ; )

Two . . .

You’ll need to network with builders who are actually skilled. I’ll tell you why . . . whilst on a job you may be asked to additionally take care of a tricky task which maybe electrical or of the plumbing nature for example. Now instead of blowing a fuse or flooding the ground floor for the extra cash, take on the job and call someone who can actually do it. When the job (you didn’t do) is complete take a share of the profits. Two birds, one stone, simple.

Three . . .

Take into consideration that the builder’s hustle involves a lot more labour than trafficking drugs. So even though you’re not doing the job properly, you’re still going to have to work for your money. The house isn’t going to paint itself now is it? Cut back on time by not applying an undercoat if you’re painting . . . tell the occupants that it’s supposed to look like that until it dries . . . by the time the notice the difference you’re long gone.

Let’s be real . . . do I really need to pull up sources to suggest that more people have been ripped off by builders than by drug distributors? And how many builders get prosecuted each year for crappy jobs? . . . Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Now if you’re nodding along while reading please note that in order to be a dodgy builder you must be more unethical than our salesman of choice (the drugs pusher). As far as business is concerned, drug sellers are more loyal to their customers. This is because their business is set up with some of the basic customer service ideals:

• You want substance abusers to return
• Good business will multiple via word of mouth
• You make yourself readily available (business number)
• You trade at competitive rates
• You don’t want stoners grassing you up to law officials

In order to be a successful dodgy builder, scrap all that sh*t above. Returning customers will try and take you to civil claims courts; word of mouth is will almost always result in slander; you can only be available for fast money jobs; and as for competitive prices . . . never hold on too tightly to a builders quote. It always ends up being a ‘bigger job’ than first predicted.

I hope you’ve learnt a thing or two from today’s economics lesson. There’s a lot of money to be made out there, legally and illegally. Just be careful before you decide which avenue to pursue, make sure to weigh up the pros and cons. You’ll to maximise your revenue and minimise your expenditure . . . simple stuff.

A to the . . .

Batman and Robin

Realistically Speaking . . .
Would You Trust These Two Men?

A to the . . .

Ak-Man’s Top 5 Reasons To Get A Job

Who wants some free money?

OK, it’s not totally free, you have to ‘work’ for it . . . well actually, if your fortunate enough, you just have to turn up to work. You don’t even have to arrive there on time.

“Of course profits drive most companies to get the most activity out its employees for the least amount of payment that they can get away with. So it would serve an employee well to get the most amount of payment for the least amount of work. A balance must be struck between employer and employee.”

– Eugene D. Gibson (An Islander’s Outlook Of The World)

If you already have a job, GREAT, you’re halfway there . . . just try not to leave your monitor exposed while you read this. Most of us are being overworked and underpaid, so I’m about to reveal my Top 5 Reasons To Get A Job.

5. LUNCH TIME

Some employees are fortunate enough to get paid for their lunch breaks . . . how great is that? You could almost call it a free lunch . . . almost. Others are not so fortunate but it’s okay. If they give you an hour’s lunch, leave 10mins earlier and come back 10mins later. That’s 20mins of free money. Now sit at your desk and settle down for another 10mins . . . that’s 30mins worth of cash you didn’t ‘work’ for . . . welcome to my world.

4. HOME TIME

Simply the best part of the working day. You’ve been looking forward to this since your alarm went off in the morning. Unless you work in a small office environment, or have to clock in and out like Fred Flintstone, you really have no excuse for not slipping out 15 – 30mins early. You aren’t chicken are you? I thought you wanted some of that free money. Get up and stroll out as if you are supposed to be leaving that early.

Always have someone else to blame (who isn’t around) if you get caught by a superior.

3. SICK PAY

There are several reasons to take ‘sick days’ . . . try not to waste them when you are actually sick. Ever notice how so people turn up to work feeling like crap? Coughing all over the place with red eyes and running noses? It’s because they don’t want to waste their sick days in bed with no one to look after them. Take sick days when you’re feeling well, that way you’ll get paid to recover from a hangover, watch TV and play computer games . . . or even go to an interview for a job that pays more and requires you to work less.

2. HOLIDAY PAY

Quite similar to sick pay, but offers less spontaneity. I have a higher regard for holiday pay because if you’re fortunate enough, you may actually be going on a holiday. Somewhere nice where the inhabitants don’t understand what you’re saying, and you’re never sure if you received the correct change from the shops. Your employer can’t phone you with annoying questions or ask you to come in for a half day. You’ll return to money in your bank, that’s money you earned by enjoying yourself in another country and not thinking or work at all.

1. Turn Up And Do Nothing

As ‘they’ say, it’s the small things in life. The Number One reason to get a job is that you can get paid a days work and do nothing but . . .

Take A Power Naps – Lean back on your chair, close your eyes and catch up on some of the sleep you lost the night before. Alternatively, fold your arms on top of your desk and use it as a rest for your head.

Make Personal Calls – Not only are you costing the company money by not doing your job, you’re also running up their phone bill.

Have A Snack Break – Isn’t it funny how no one will question you if you’re sitting at your desk eating a choc bar. Only a fool would ask you what you’re up to. Totally acceptable in the workplace.

Check Your Emails – If you don’t know how to do this, you really shouldn’t be working in an office environment . . . get yourself a McDonalds application form and learn the value of an hour.

Chat To Your Friends via Instant Messenger – Compare who’s wasted more of the day; make social arrangements; discuss prior arrangements; moan about having a job; send each other cool web links to check out.

Check Out Cool Web Links – http://islanderoutlook.blogspot.com/

I’m sure you can think of several other ways to escape working while at work (pretend to go to the toilet), there are loads. If you’re really bored, try and calculate how much of your working day you actually spend working. You might be surprised by how much free money you’re stacking up.

“So it would serve an employee well to get the most amount of payment for the least amount of work.”

- Eugene D. Gibson (An Islander’s Outlook Of The World)

A to the . . .

Rush Hour(s)

Just when you thought that no one else could possible fit in the train, ten more people push and squeeze in.

When the train pulls into another station (one stop closer to work) you see a crowd of people, and you’ll question how many of them will get onto the train . . . then answer is ALL OF THEM. Apart from the ‘particulars’ everyone has places go . . . or places they should already be.

The bright side is knowing that eventually your stop will come. If you’re quick and strong enough, you’ll be able to get off the train before the doors close and move on.

Is it really that bad?

. . . Most days, yes.

Does it bother me?

. . . Most days, no.

A to the . . .

Jump On It

Is it ever really too late to jump onto a fad?

Of course it is! You don’t want to be that weirdo on the bus wearing a bandana and playing with a Tamogotchi. Timing is of course the biggest factor as most of these trends are either seasonal or simply the flavour of the month. Catch on too late and you would have missed ‘the movement’.

Many come and go; they’re typically started by trendsetters like me, or resourceful folks like me. Not one to blow my own trumpet (all the time), but I did introduce you all to the T-Shirt and Jeans combo . . . and that’s still running strong till this day.

I don’t want any of you to look back and think ‘where was I when that took off?’ It doesn’t have to be that way. Here are some bandwagons that are moving along nicely . . . feel free to jump on.

Facebook

I’m an active member of this online community. This is because unlike most of the others out there which are used (and let’s be realistic) by lonely people who want to get laid or have no real friends, Facebook is designed to bring you closer to the people you already know. This is what makes Facebook unique . . . and a reason why a lot of employees are on their final warning.

With Facebook you can’t simple search people and have a good rummage through their profile and pictures. You can only do this if you are added to the individuals ‘friends’ list.

You may also find Facebook useful for finding old friends. The privacy settings on Facebook means that the majority of those singed use their real name and not an online alias such as ‘SEXY_BABE_69’ or ‘WELL_HUNG’.

I’ve found long and short lost classmates and former work colleagues. It’s a worthy bandwagon to jump on . . . and its recent news coverage adds too its prestige.

Heroes

Television, as we all should know is getting worse by the day. Fortunately there are a few gems out there worthy of attention. The latest one to grab me is Heroes. I’m pretty late in getting involved in this, but I’m glad I have. What a great show so far. I’ve watched the first five episodes of Season One and I’m pretty much hooked. I’m in catch up mode however as they are already onto Season Two.

Heroes has a lot to offer, I can see it running for quite sometime. In a few more years it’ll be one of those shows that used to be great until they ran out of ideas but kept making more episodes. At present it’s an exciting show which meets its potential and raises many questions you’ll want answered.

You can catch up on the fun here:

http://www.cucirca.com/2007/05/27/watch-heroes-online/

Expect exciting cliff-hangers, attractive females (well only two so far) and a storyline that’ll keep you up all night . . . ‘just one more episode.’

8 Min Abs

Since the ‘gym’ movement is still in affect, here’s a product I won’t stop raving on about.

OK, I’ve never actually been overweight. But as a man of vanity I must recommend this DVD to one and all who like to stare at themselves in the mirror with a self satisfied grin.

This is pretty much the ULTIMATE abdominal workout. I jumped on this movement sometime last year and saw great results in a month. Three mornings a week I’d wake up extra early pop in the DVD and crunch like never before. At first I struggled (as you do when working new muscles) then eventually it became a satisfying routine.

I haven’t done 8 Min Abs for about five months now, and no word of a lie, my stomach is still toned from way back when. The chocolate and ice cream is doing me no favours . . . but I’m a man so I don’t care. I’ll only wash it down with a pint anyway.

If I wasn’t so lazy and probably look for the DVD.

Corinne Bailey Rae

“And I wonder why it is, I don’t argue like this, with anyone but you

I wonder why it is, I won’t let my guard down, for anyone but you”

– Just Like A Star

Of course the lyrics sound better with her singing . . . that’s why I haven’t copied the whole song. Trust me on this one . . . its money well spent. Or time well spent if like me you’re only a few clicks away . . . I shall say no more on that matter.

Get your swerve on people . . . does ANYONE say that still?

It’s not an order for you all to go out and be shepherded by frowsy pop culture . . . Lord knows I like to be an outcast and make a nuisance of myself also. These are just a few pastimes that’ll help you keep one foot in the bandwagon.

A to the . . .

Oh No You Don’t

Let me quickly bang this out before the rage fades.

Two weeks ago I parted with hard cash to watch a film called Transformers . . . you may have heard of it? OF COURSE YOU HAVE! It’s been promoted as one of the biggest blockbusters of the year . . . yeah right. Unsaturated pure garbage! This is why I download and watch so many movies on my laptop . . . free of charge.

I’m a tough film critic, no doubt. But I didn’t expect too much from Transformers. Fight scenes and eye pleasing special affects. The movie had both . . . so why was I sat in front of the big screen getting angrier with each scene?

OK, OK! I admit I was drawn into the movie during the first half an hour. There was a good balance of action and humour, hot shots of the leading lady and feint attempts at generating a storyline. Good stuff so far . . .

Add a poor attempt at a plausible storyline, completely unrealistic stunts and interaction between the Transformers and humans, and a whole bunch of irregularities and you have the formula to making Ak-Man furious!

It was Megan Fox’s Oscar award winning performance that silenced my boos and jeers.

Example:

Funny man Sam Witwicky can not only out run a Transformer twenty times his size, with intergalactic technological abilities, but he can also get whacked 30ft onto a car and walk off unharmed, he didn’t even wince in pain, shock maybe? . . . I’m far from believing that.

I watch a scene like that and think, ‘what foolishness!’

Allow me to break down another irregularity I observed. After the first 30mins I was actively looking for them, and had no trouble finding them.

Example:

OK, this Transformer called Bumblebee can’t speak English due to a technological malfunction. So he uses the car radio to talk. Yeah it’s as stupid as it sounds. He rapidly switches between radio stations picking out words and phrases to generate sentences that just about understandable, if you care about what he has to say. I could get into why this is also unbelievable but I’ll let it slide because of the bigger picture.

The rest of the Transformers speak mighty fine English for a bunch on immigrants . . . also not a problem. We are told that they learnt to speak English from the internet. I don’t even want to know how they got on online r what they were doing, I’ll let it slide.

OK check this . . . Megatron (bad guy Transformer) also speaks PERFECT English!!! Here is the problem. When he came to Earth over a century ago he crash landed and was frozen in ice. There also wasn’t any internet at the time . . .

. . . Please offer your explanations so that I can tear them to pieces.

This movie is filled with numerous acts of nonsense. It’s hard to miss them unless you slept through the film . . . I almost dozed off a few times but was worried that I’d miss a good shot of Miss Fox.

It pains me greatly that most of the people I know actually enjoyed this film. I’m constantly finding new reason to question friendships. Transformers is a movie created to be enjoyed by children and morons. Take from that what you will.

I wish I writ this as soon as I got home . . . but Arsenal were playing and I had to watch the match. Then almost two weeks worth of ‘stuff’ happened so it almost got overlooked.

Please also note that Transformers literally went missing, couldn’t aim despite their advanced technology, and often changed their scale just to bug me. Daylight switched to night time in a car chase that lasted under a minute, nothing in-between, just bright sunshine, then high night. Captain Lennox skidded his motorbike, slid off it then slid on the road, on his back for twenty meters and used his rocket launcher (which he had in hand the whole time) to take a shot at a Transformer. ‘What foolishness’, then nothing happened, he just ran and hid in a side street. What was the point of that completely unrealistic stunt?

Did any of you guys watch and enjoy this movie? Let me know what you liked about it. Megan Fox and the special effects are both off limits as they were both unarguably great features of the movie. Wait for it to be released on DVD so you can be one of the cool people who don’t own it.

A to the . . .

Don’t Look Back

Who did it?
Why did they do it?
How did they do it?

Crime fiction has always appealed to me. I’m drawn in by the mystery, the ever growing enigma and the thrill of the chase. Time is never on the lead’s side as lives are on the line, the evidence points in too many places, and the body count rises. You root for the good guys, you want good to prevail over evil, and most importantly you want to know who did it. Who did do it?

I’ve read the first seven chapters of Simon Kernick’s ‘Relentless’ and even though I have been given enough reasons to read on, I haven’t been at all impressed by his writing style and head first approach. For what it’s worth, I have the “Uncorrected Free Book Proof”; the actual retail copy might have been sharpened up in areas. You might also want to know that it’s been quite some time since I’ve picked up a crime fiction novel. The last one I recall was ‘Past Mortem’ by Ben Elton, and that was over two years ago.

After seven chapters I am still yet to connect with the main character Tom. There is a little bit of sympathy for him and I like the way he thinks. But his character hasn’t been built up enough for me to be too concerned about his fate, not just yet anyway. At the moment, he’s a bit too ‘normal’, and Kernick reinforces this again and again. At present Tom is neither hero or villain, nor victim. He’s actually a suspect, but we know he had no involvement in the two murders which have already occurred. We also have no strong ties to the victims so there’s a ‘so what’ mentality to the novel thus far.

It sounds like I’m wasting my time reading on doesn’t it? Like I said I’ve been given ample reason to continue. Kernick might not have a strong writing style (in my opinion of course) but he’s got the plot moving at a rapid pace, and only seven chapters deep he’s included quite a few twists already. Some big twists mind you, conceptually he’s original and imaginative. Let’s hope its all going somewhere.

One thing that really annoys me is a twist that amounts to nothing. Simply thrown in for affect and then disregarded when questioned to make way for a more mundane and easy to wrap up storyline. If Kernick cops out I’ll make a mental note not to pick up any of his other novels.

Kernick seems to have also opted for dual lead males. A smart move as it has provided the reader with another side of the story and its answering questions that add to the narrative. I was a bit confused at first, and didn’t like the way this element was implemented, but quickly caught on and rolled with the theme. Tom is still our leading man, but Detective Bolt is nipping away at the lime light chasing strong leads while Tom is still unaware of what’s going on.

The book has a lot of wise cracks and is to be read at a rapid pace. Not as rapid as the movie Crank . . . yet not as slow as The Transporter. The chapters are short bursts of action or information; you won’t find your mind drifting away easily. It’s an easy read . . . not too many head scratching words . . . but no pictures either. I’m sure to finish it.

A to the . . .

Yeah I'm Gonna Beat My Kids

It might yet be a while till I’m a father but this discussion still interests me. When it comes to the debate on whether or not to beat your children (and by beat I mean spank) I’ve heard long and drawn out arguments from each side.

- Child abuse
- Discipline
- Lazy parenting
- Necessary parenting

The list goes on and on, and strong arguments are made in this verbal tug-of-war. Occasionally an opinion falls into the flammable cipher and everyone gasps in horror at its simplicity. A point of view so straightforward it surely cannot hold any weight. Can it?

“I’m going to beat my kids because my parents told me to.”

*GASP*

Yes, my parents have both directly and indirectly given me a truck load of reasons to beat my future kids if they step out of line. To suggest that I’ll beat my kids because they told me to sounds more or less spineless and cowardly; I won’t dispute that. So maybe if I break it down for you you’ll let me keep my testicles.

First and foremost, this debate doesn’t hold much weight where I’m from; the capital of Africa, home of the brave 419’ers . . . Beyonce sang our national anthem, that makes her one of us. Jay-Z drew water from our wells . . . but I’m not too keen on him so he can stick to the projects.

In Nigeria its common to beat your children when they step out of line, I’d go as far as saying it’s the number one disciplinary option. I got beats, my bro and sister got beats . . . I went to my cousins’ homes and they got beats . . . I’m certain that if I was raised in Nigeria I would have gone to school and got beats.

This was pretty much the norm in my upbringing. I never liked getting whooped, what kid would? Don’t dislike and discipline go hand in hand?

Would it be fair to say that they beat it into my nature? My culture and environment have imposed several other traits on me after all; I believe that this is another one of them.

I’m not eager to beat my kids; surely that’s when the issue slips into child abuse. But now I appreciate the line that was drawn between me and my parents . . . even though I spent the first half of my life loving but not liking them that much. In that sense I’d say they went too far with the discipline. I never looked at my parents as friends, as buddies, as pals. It was always mum and dad; approach with caution.

Beatings at my expense allowed my parents to maintain the parent child relationship. You could of course argue that other disciplinary forms would have been just as effective at instilling fear and respect. Did my parents know at the time that their disciplinary authority over me was dependant on whether the beatings hurt me or not? Surely they were aware that I’d grow older, that one day they’d dish out a beating and I wouldn’t even flinch, much less cry. They knew right?

Of course they did!

I never got a beating that was unjustified, not one I can remember anyway. And unless caught in the act, I was given the opportunity to plead my case (or think up a good lie). Every beating came with a lecture that usually lasted at least one hour; they sat while I stood. My days, the lectures were honestly more painful than the beatings. The older and smarter I grew, the less beats I received and the longer the lectures lasted. Notice the shift?

To further justify my decision to beat my future children I’ll draw attention to another significant ingredient of my upbringing. That ingredient is religion. Raised as a Christian, I went to church on Sundays, read my Bible, and prayed before I went to bed. I often listened in church with tentative ears, hoping (almost praying) to hear loopholes that would benefit my budding mind. None arose, but several suggested that a Christian lifestyle might better fit the parents.

- Honour thy father and mother
- No sex until you’re married
- Spare the rod, spoil the child

God was on my parents’ side. Another reason to begrudge them . . . and He also had several reasons to be angry with me. Three on one . . . you might even say it was five on one (if your brain has warmed up). Not the kind of odds for a kid to get excited about.

Some relief comes in knowing that when I take the parent role God will be on my side if I have to beat my kids. They won’t like it, but hopefully one day, after I've beaten stupidity and rebelliousness out of them, they’ll see me as more of a friend . . . sort of how I see my parents now.

A to the. . .

Papyrus Crack

I have to keep my buzz going, don’t like coming down from it, it makes me nervous and jittery. I get snappy, easily agitated and become unstable. Pathetic and desperate, those two words best fit. It’s not quite a site to behold, so I purchase three books at a time from Waterstone’s to keep my high. It’s ok though, buy two and get the third one free . . . a financially friendly addiction.

Imagine if they did crazy deals like this for crack rocks or weed bags? Becoming a drug addict would have financial benefits. You could get wasted and save money at the same time. You’d in fact be stupid not to take advantage of it . . . come on, everyone else is doing it. And we all love a good deal right? I just wish I had a good use for books after I finished them . . . it’s the used syringe predicament all over again.

My latest fix is provided by the effort of James Robertson. I’m five chapters into ‘The Testament Of Gideon Mack’ and I’ve started showing addictive symptoms once again.

- Almost missing my stop on the train
- Vigilantly reading a page or two at work
- Isolating my self in my bedroom for long stretches
- Having company in the toilet
- “Just one more chapter”

Finding a good book to read is no easy task, there are several to choose from and you can’t judge them by their cover, neither by their blurb. At least a bad movie only last a few hours if that. Your best bet is to hope for a good recommendation, or like me you can jot down a few titles that look interesting and then check out their reviews when you get home. I don’t want to pick up another ‘We Need To Talk About Kevin’ . . . that was like finding out you’d been sold flour and not cocaine . . . Pillsbury nose.

I really shouldn’t praise or snub books until I’ve actually finished reading them . . . but then it wouldn’t be A Darker Shade Of Black would it? You don’t have to eat the whole burger to know if you like it . . . yeah there could be a fly or a hair hanging out of the other end but we’ll cross that bridge if we get to it . . . or bite around it.

The Testament Of Gideon Mack, this is my kind of book. It’s certainly funny, in a ‘nobody understands me’ kind of way. I like the fact that the main character (Gideon Mack) doesn’t seek approval or comfort for his eccentricities. He just wants his story to be heard, he leaves perception up to you.

By the way, everyone thinks he’s crazy because he claims to have met the Devil . . . and he’s also a minister of God. So you’d probably prepare yourself for a battle between good and evil . . . nope, this book challenges the thin line between sanity and insanity (he says as if he's read the whole thing).

Robertson has an engaging writing style; you feel an urge to flip the page even when he breaks down some of the most mundane topics. I don’t know how he does it, but I’m writing this whilst staring at the book and wanting to pick it up and read more.

I’m yet to reach the depth of the woods; I’m hoping that the novel becomes even more absorbing. Robertson is still setting the scene and familiarising me with this Gideon fellow who doesn’t seem to have any friends, just acquaintances who think he’s insane. Religion holds a lot of weight in this novel; I’m expecting more references, history lessons, theories and possibly some controversial content.

Is Gideon insane? Quite possibly, I’ll have a better idea once I finish the book.

A to the . . .

Ak-Man’s Guide To Blind Dating . . . Part One

Through some of my rants and bickers you may have got the impression that I am a grumpy old man; this is not the case. I’m a strapping young lad . . . quite the pessimist no doubt, but still young and vibrant. I don’t spend all of my time looking through cynical turd coloured shades, if that was the case I wouldn’t constantly have people trying to hook me up with their associates.

I’ve decided to write up a little guide to blind dating . . . you ask why? Well because it’s highly probable that I’ve been on more blind dates than anyone I know. Everyone and their mother have tried to set me up . . . as if I can’t set myself up.

My track record for blind dates is quite abysmal, but this says more about the people who tried to set me up. They clearly don’t know me at all. For all those interested my ideal woman is Kelly Rowland (Marry Me) . . . yes I have raised my bar that high.

I’ll be breaking it down into two parts:

- Before the date
- During the date

After the date you’ll likely go home with no urge to ever see the person again so I don’t need to write a post about the aftermath do I? Of course there is a chance that you might actually get along and be attracted to each other, but it’s a slim one if that. So the first rule of blind dating is . . .

Don’t get your hopes up . . .
When someone tells you that they want to set you up, don’t get excited. Chill out for a second yeah? Hear them out, nod and agree so you can see what’s up. Let them throw you their best pitch with icing and a cherry on top . . . flogging a friend is like selling a used car. They’ll highlight the good points and act as if there are no bad ones; this is to be expected.

Don’t ask about appearances . . .
You’ll be curious and that’s normal. But if they don’t have a picture to show you then don’t even bother asking. If the blind date has it going on in the looks department your so called friend will bring this up before you even think to enquire. It’ll be like a USP (Unique Selling Point) but keep in mind that attraction isn’t universal so you really do have to meet them if you want to know what’s up.

Try and avoid calling your date before the date . . .
Yes, that includes the most confident and charismatic of us. Remember I’m experienced in this department. Your pal might suggest that the two of you switch numbers before the ‘big day’. Reject the offer and sternly tell them not to give your number to the other party.

If like myself you have an ambiguous personality this move is a RED ALERT. You’ll either generate an adhesive bond or free up space in your calendar. It doesn’t seem like a dumb move at all . . . not until the date is over and you regret using all of your free air time on her . . . Ak-Man knows best.

The right questions to ask . . .
You’re going to want to know if the blind date meets up to your requirements . . . unless you don’t get out much and are desperate. I’m assuming it’s neither so here are some questions that are smarter to ask than ‘What does she look like?’

How do you know him/her?
Please don’t put it past your friends to try and set you up with someone they’ve only known for a New York minute. They might even be trying to set you up with a friend of a friend . . . not a good move if you ask me. In a world full of weirdoes you really have to be extra cautious about how you spend your evenings.

What do they do?
Are they mentally stable enough to hold a good job or acquire some educational certificates? Don’t inquire too much into the individual, you'll want to leave some mystery for the date . . . or have a few questions at the ready for those awkward silences. But once again, if you aren’t desperate try not to end up on a date with Eddie before he Traded Places or America’s Next Top Gold Digger.

Why don’t you go out with them?
If your friend is single and of the same gender as you . . . then . . . well it makes sense to question why they would want to send you on a date with ‘such a nice person’ while they sit at home watching back-to-back episodes of South Park.

Do your stretches and cardiovascular workouts, push for a double date then you’re good to go. You’ve played it hard but fair so far, well done, that was the easy part. . . . Part Two is up next. What to do on the date.

A to the . . .

I Should Have Been In Shrek The Third

OK, OK . . . I know I made bunch of noise for not being considered for a role in the blockbuster 300 (I Should Have Been In 300) , but this surely a greater travesty!

Shrek The Third? Great film, I won’t dispute that at all, they had me cracking up throughout . . . the ending was a bit cheesy but that’s to be expected right? The humour was varied and at times surprisingly intelligent. I knew a few jokes were only for potential MENSA applicants when I was the only person in the cinema laughing.

So what’s my problem with Shrek The Third?

I’ll blooming tell you!

A bunch of washed up and faded bad guys! That was the problem. I hope I’m not the only person who thinks that Shrek got off a little easy? Trust me, if I was Prince Charming I would have put together a stronger brigade of bad ass villains! And what’s the deal with Captain Hook . . . he’s from Never Never Land right? Not Far Far Away . . . disgusting, but we won’t get into that.

I should have played Prince Charmin . . . I can relate to his anguish. Let us not forget that Prince Charmin, like my self used to be a good guy. But sadly everything was taken from him and he ended up at the bottom of the pile . . . a laughing stock (not me, Prince Charmin) . . . it’s a cold world kid. And didn’t his mother die is Shrek 2? He had good reasons to flip over to the dark side. If I was him, it would be serious beef! Forget the fairy tale villains; I’ll be bringing out the big guns! You want washed up bad guys? . . . And wholesome family fun?

Presenting to you first Mumrah . . .

This guy along could probably wipe the floor with the whole of Far Far Away. Sworn enemy to the ThunderCats, Mumrah was always ‘oh so close’. I’m not sure of what exactly it was he wanted to achieve (most likely world domination) but those ThunderCats frustrated the hell out of him. He’ll be my right hand man . . . he can do crazy stuff with lightning, that’ll come in handy. He sleeps a hell of a lot though, that might be a problem.

Next in line is Shredder . . .

Highly skilled in hand to hand combat and also used to taking orders. Shredder is what I’d call an advanced foot soldier; he likes to roll up his sleeves and get involved with the dirty work. And give him some credit people; he had to work alongside those two morons Bebop and Rocksteady. The turtles should be ashamed, they occasionally scuffed him four and one and he came out looking pretty good most days.

OK, maybe I’m making this a little unfair on Shrek but next up is Skeletor . . .

Oh, you thought He-Man (no relation) was a tough guy? Skeletor made sure He-Man had no days off. He commanded his own army and was an excellent swordsman . . . it was more like a long perilous stick that he wielded but swordsman sounds more impressive on a CV. He was in great shape for a ‘man’ who many thought was made of bones (his name and face does give that impression), check out the triceps; you have to do specific workouts to get those.

I don’t think we are in need of anymore man power so last and probably least is Eric Cartman . . .

His heartless and self-centred characteristics make him the South Park front man. You can see him in the picture above liking tears of off Scott Tenorman's face; why would he do that? Well Cartman had the kids parents killed, swiped their bodies and made a chilli out of them . . . he then tricked Scott into eating his own parents. Cartman will head the torture and interrogations departments. He’ll also be my constant supply of wisecracks; the other guys don’t really look like a fun bunch.

I’m not actually sure if this will remain as a comedic family film. I don’t even think the good guys will win! Who’s going to step to us? Puss In Boots and Donkey? They’ll most likely be the ingredients to our celebratory meal. Can anyone say chilli?

You know I should have been in Shrek The Third!

A to the . . .

"Keep The Change Ya Filthy Animal"

“Ever wondered why the gap between the rich and poor nations is so great, or why it’s so difficult to get a foot on the property ladder, or why you can’t buy a decent second-hand car? This book offers the hidden story behind these and other forces that shape our day-to-day lives, often without our knowing it.” – Tim Harford

The latest book I want to bring your attention to is ‘The Undercover Economist’ by Tim Harford.


I was attracted to the book because I read a similar one last year called ‘Freakonomics’ which grabbed my attention with it’s snazzy cover and interesting topics of discussion. I picked up The Undercover Economist hoping for more of the same.

Freakonomics is a hard act to follow; authors Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner dug in deep, their project included chapters such as:

- What Do Schoolteachers and Sumo Wrestlers Have in Common?
- Why Do Drug Dealers Still Live with Their Moms?
- Where Have All The Criminals Gone?

Sounds fun right? It was. Not only did they ‘have a laugh’ with Freakonomics, they also broke down a lot of theory and indirectly showed readers how to apply it.

The Undercover Economist is as interesting, but not as fun. Harford seems a lot more rigid and practical. A lot of his arguments and theories are sensible, logical and pretty much air tight. He covers each subject from a variety of angles and indirectly gives you the tools you need to go out there and start challenging your own world of microeconomics. Great stuff . . . if you can be bothered that is.

You’ll learn some economical jargon along the way and start paying more attention to your pennies. You’ll begin to notice a lot of the options society makes indirectly available, and you’ll know why people complain about things they have power over.

Tim Harford’s effort is original in the sense that it not only explores economical loop holes and faults, but also offers solutions as to how economics can make the world a better place for everyone . . . sounds like something an eight years old girl would waste a wish on if she found a magic lamp. His solutions to everyday problems however are well thought out, realistic, and also feasible. Keep reading his book and you’ll also know why they are not implemented.

Economics is not as simple as ‘supply and demand’. Economics tells us who gets what, and more importantly why they get it.

Want to know why we pay so much for confectionaries when we go to the cinema? Might not seem so important because we can evidently ‘afford’ to be overcharged . . . so why is it that we (London citizens) complain continuously about outlandish public transport prices?

I’d argue that we are all to an extent Undercover Economists because we have reasoning and understanding where our finances are concerned. We can tell you why we chose one product over another, our definitions of a bargain and we know when we are being ripped off.

Tim delves a lot deeper, at times you’ll be pointing the accusing finger at yourself, but be reassured, you’ll get to wave it at others as well.

A to the . . .

"This Love Has Taken It's Toll On Me"

Maroon 5 are due to release their highly anticipated follow up LP on the 21st of May. Their first album, ‘Songs About Jane’ is a personal favourite of mine. I never heard the album until last year, which makes me extremely late because it was released in 2002. Who takes five years to record an album anyway? They do, and it better be good . . . it better be great in fact!

Their second LP is titled ‘It Won’t Be Soon Before Long’. I haven’t heard the album yet . . . BUT I do have it already. The internet is a beautiful place.

I’ve heard the group’s first single of the new album, 'Makes Me Wonder', and like it a lot. It sounds fresh, funky and reminds me of their first album. I don’t like the video though, no idea where they were going with that concept. Pink, purple and strobe lighting? What’s that all about Johnny?

If ‘Songs About Jane’ was so great I wouldn’t be typing this up now, it’s really that simple. Nobody has ever told me that that album is ‘ok’ or ‘alright’ . . . when I mention it to people who have heard it they insist on singing their favourite songs . . . all of them . . . in track order . . . and yes I must join in, it’s a social law.

“This love has taken its toll on me,
She said goodbye, too many times before.
Her heart is breaking in front of me,
I have no choice, ‘cos I won’t say goodbye anymore.” – This Love

It’s serious business people.

Lyrically ‘Songs About Jane’ is watertight. They kept away from the corny themes and cheesy one-liners. What you get on this album is a lot of depth and honesty. It’s not hard enough to be consumed by a male dominated audience, and it’s not soft enough for the ladies to claim it as their own. Unlike most of these R’n’B pansies out there who just write albums to serenade women, Maroon 5’s LP swings heavily in the favour of the gents. It’s still emotional, but not the heartbreak hotel vibe you get from James Morrison’s ‘Undiscovered’ or Damien Rice’s (throw yourself in front of a train because she left you) ‘O’.

‘Songs About Jane’ is like a testimony of the bands failed relationships . . . but it’s like ‘hey we got over it’ and had some good times along the way.

“But I cannot forget
Refuse to regret

So glad I met you and

Take my breath away

Make everyday

Worth all of the pain that I have

Gone through” – The Sun

It’s classed as a rock/pop album, I prefer to qualify it was rock/funk. It’s not your typical ‘loud’ rock-pop album designed to disturb the neighbours and keep your parents out of your bedroom. It’s extremely well composed. You can actually hear the piano, the crisp and controlled hits of the snare drum, hi-hats and bass kicks; you can visualise the symbols as they crash and fade out with each stroke.

The band most certainly does use and abuse the electric guitar but so much melody comes out of it. The opening track ‘Harder To Breathe’ is as reckless as it gets, and that’s mainly on the chorus. The chaos is justified considering the songs content.

“You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here

This double vision I was seeing is finally clear

You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone

Not fit to f**kin' tread the ground that I am walking on” – Harder To Breathe

Not exactly one for the ladies is it? There is no more swearing on the rest of the album, I guess they just needed to get a few things off of their chest. Don’t run ladies, there is some ‘kissing-up’ involved in this LP. It’s not a woman bashing album. The second single ‘She Will Be Loved’ was not an isolated track released to attract a larger female audience. Add to that list ‘Sunday Morning’ (my favourite track along side The Sun), and ‘Sweetest Goodbye’.

If ‘It Won’t Be Soon Before Long’ can match up to the calibre of ‘Songs About Jane’ I’ll have it looping on my iPod. If not then I’ll try to find Damien Rice’s second album called ‘9’. I really shouldn’t listen to his 'cry-baby' anthems but he really knows how to put an emotion into a song . . . its scary stuff.

A to the . . .

I Should Have Been In 300

I’m so serious this time around. 300 is the best film I’ve watched on the big screen this year, and only two things disappoint me about it. Well three things actually, but I don’t want to ruin the film for anyone who hasn’t seen it.

I hadn’t been to the cinema much before 300 was released and therefore saw no trailers of the movie. I didn’t even know the movie existed until I came across a website and some dude was like “yeah man, this is the best kick ass movie of all time”. Or something like that, I forget his exact words but he rated it over Die Hard so I was impressed. Die hard is serious business.

The adverts started appearing on TV and I was in awe . . . this wasn’t the kind of film I wanted to download and watch on a 15 inch laptop screen with the lights out, a bottle of Supermalt and a few bags of corner shop popcorn, nah.

After I watched the film (on the second weekend of its release) I had this urge to fight . . . guys know what I mean, it’s a blood pumping movie. It was quite late though and all the street kids were probably at home putting up stolen items for sale on eBay. The cinema car park was pretty much empty so I just jumped in the car and went home thinking to myself, ‘I should have been in 300.’

What makes me eligible? A few things actually.

Firstly, and most importantly I am the owner of a well maintained six pack. Not many men can boast of this, and if you’ve seen the movie you’ll know that this is a requirement.

Secondly, the 300 soldiers lacked flavour. I think you know what I mean . . . they needed a few black men I their ranks. Wouldn’t have made much of a difference to the outcome, but it would have certainly changed how I felt about the ending . . . can’t say too much of course, some people haven’t seen the film so excuse my vagueness.

I am an excellent wielder of the sword. I once won a fight with the assistance of a cricket bat . . . all’s fair in love and war.

I hope you’re beginning to see my point, I pretty much feel snubbed by the producers and I’m sure the following people do also.

Gennaro Gattuso

If the killer beard isn’t enough to solidify his 300 status, then maybe his bad ass persona does. Gattuso is what I call a ‘professional fouler’; it’s better to play with than against him. In the world of football (soccer) bad boys he is up there with the likes of Roy Keane, Vinnie Jones and Zinadine ‘Don’t talk about my sister’ Zidane. Less talk, more action, always up for a fight.

Prince Harry

This kids desire to go to war is intense. I don’t know what exactly he wants to prove or do out there, but he certainly has the hunger. I recon he’d knock off a few Persians before the Monarchy requested his hasty return home. It’s a shame too, because every man counts.

John Prescott

He is the British MP who punched a guy in the face for throwing an egg on his head . . . nuff said.

Lisa Nowak

Nowak is 100% ‘insane crazy’, an asset for any infantry troop. For those of you who missed the story click here. She taught me that anything worth loving is worth fighting for and can possibly drive you to insanity . . . a constructive insanity which breeds a hazardous and destructive psychosis that’ll scare the crap out of any opposition.

I think you will agree that those of us listed have been greatly ill-treated and our involvement would have intensified the zeal of 300. If a sequel is made, expect to see me in it.

A to the . . .