Monday, 30 June 2008

James Presents: Is Time Travel Possible?

I am here today, to answer one question and one question only. It is THE question. The ultimate question. The question that man has asked ever since he first saw ‘Back to the Future’… Is it possible to travel in time?

Now… finally, after years of research, study, and pissing about getting stoned. I can reveal an answer! An answer, to the question of all questions…

And that answer…. Is yes.

It IS possible to travel in time! Or something to that effect.

The only trouble is it’s not the precise image that Time Travel conjures up… Less 80’s image of futuristic metals… Deloreans and phone boxes… and more sitting on the sofa in your pants on a Sunday Afternoon watching Thursday night’s Big Brother.

“It’s Time Travel for the masses!” – Michael Parkinson – On that Sky ad

Even Parky says Time Travel’s possible. (with the aid of Sky+) –
Imagine it… at some point in the past, if you wanted to watch The Bill, you had to be in whilst The Bill was on! How wank is that?! I don’t have time to take note of both WHEN The Bill’s on, AND to make sure I’m at home DURING. Cheeky bastards. – Mind you… who actually wants to watch The Bill?

Now… I’ve thought about this, and if I had the superpower to travel through time. One of the MAIN ways that I would abuse my power (and there would be many ways) would be to pause the TV whilst I went for a piss. You don’t expect me to believe Hiro Nakamura misses the football like a chump just so he can get a beer when he wants a beer? Of course he doesn’t. Even Superman had to fly around the world 200 times just to go back a few seconds!

I hear what you’re saying though… you’re saying:

‘O.K. You’re absolutely right. It IS possible to go BACK in time… but you said Time TRAVEL is possible. How the cock do you intend to go forward?’

And that’s a good question. If I had the superpower to control time, I’d throw myself forward too. In truth, it’s really very simple and anyone can do it…

All you have to do is think about how far forward you want to go, and therefore how you want to ‘connect’ with yourself in a way that you know you (future you) will understand. There are loads of different ways you can choose to do it. My personal favourite method of time travel surprisingly, is not a spaceship, a toaster, or a flux capacitor… but e-mail.

I have crucial information that Future Me needs to know about. Future Me obviously DID know about it, because Future Me used to be Present Me who has only recently become privy to said information. However both Future Me, and Present Me are human and therefore forget things. Neither of us can be expected to remember EVERYTHING we know. Especially if the particular piece of information is rendered completely and utterly irrelevant until the time at which it needs to be called upon. Why bother then, even attempting to remember information that is completely useless to you? It’s just clogging up valuable brainspace that could be used for a sudoku. Or if you’ve got friends, to have an intelligent conversation with them.

How much easier would it be if I could simply travel forward in time, find Future Me, ask him how it’s going… how’re the kids?

“Oh really, little Timmy got an A on his Science Project? Brilliant. Oh by the way… actually the reason I came by… You remember a few months ago you got an invitation to Jake and Courtney’s wedding? …”

“Hmm? Yeah I think she’s gotten a bit fat actually. Oh she’s lost it now? Well… good for her.”

“Anyway, I just wanted to remind you it’s this weekend. Just making sure you didn’t have any plans.”

“Yeah yeah, no problem. I’ll probably remind you again just before hand. Make sure you don’t forget.”

How much easier would life be!? No more forgotten anniversaries. No more work trip/child’s Christmas play schedule cock-ups! And all it takes is for you to do a bit of time travel. You can even wear goggles and a silly hat if you like. Or a stupidly long 8ft multicoloured woolly scarf.

Send an email to yourself with the desired information you wish not to be forgotten… Don’t open it… and every time you open your emails, you’ll be reminded of the information. Leaving you free to get on with your life. You can even put the date that you want to travel forward to in as the subject. So you know you will open it when it is required.

How good is that?! Time Travel!

Admittedly, I could just keep quiet about it, and keep this gold for myself. I could probably turn myself into a superhero or something. But then, what kind of superhero would I be if kept something this good away from the people. The very people I have sworn to protect.

This is truly the stuff of science fiction. It’s becoming reality. And I am the person to bring it to everyone! Suck on that ‘Tomorrow’s World’!

Tuesday, 10 June 2008

eBaylise It

Never in my wildest dreams could I conjure up such a term as ‘eBaylise it’; full credit for that one goes to my father. This witty, yet simplistic term has spread like wildfire (in my house). It’s in reference to putting something up for sale on eBay . . . get it?

The internet is filled with unlimited resources for time wasting, so it’s great that there’s a service out there that allows you to make positive use of your juiced up PC, high speed internet connection, surround sound speakers and colour rich widescreen monitor . . . apart than downloading porn of course.

Several years too late yours truly has jumped onto the eBay bandwagon, and now I’m rummaging through nooks and crannies for ‘trash’ that someone else may view as ‘treasure’ . . . I don’t have as much trash as I previously thought so I had a poke through the neighbour’s trash . . . they didn’t like that at all and I now have to leave my house through the back garden.

My toughest challenge since joining the eBay crowd and further increasing my status on the opinion polls has been finding things to sell. This has proven itself to be more difficult than previously imagined. You see on one hand I can now say with confidence that I don’t hold on to trash I don’t need (ask my ex-girlfriends) . . . but on the other less appealing hand I’ve now opened a shop which stocks one Norton 360 antivirus package and a suit jacket which doesn’t come with the matching trousers . . . even the window shoppers are disappointed.

…a dismal store at best. I now wish I had held on to a few of those exs (ooh cheap shot).

How Does One Acquire eBay Stock?

It’s pretty cool that there are ‘entrepreneurs’ out there who make a living out of eBay. But why do they have so many possessions that they don’t want, and where are they getting all of their stock from? Surely no one gets that many bad presents on their birthday or Christmas? . . . and aren’t these gifts supposed to be re-wrapped and given to someone else who wont like them?

My short stint with eBay so far has also disproved the myth that we all have valuables we don’t need just lying around the house. I’m not expecting to lift a corner of my mattress and find a coin collection worth in excess of 1.3 million pounds, or a pocket watch that was used by Winston Churchill. And I’m quite dubious that a bidding war will be sparked by my unearthed odd socks . . . I’m quite happy to have found these and will not be putting them up for auction.

In spite of eBay’s potential to entertain and consume my spare time I can’t see myself receiving enough unwanted gifts, finding buried treasure or spending money at retail outlets to sell purchased goods at a profit. I could see myself sticking up a few high street stores though. Kids go crazy for iPods and ladies do love their handbags and shoes!

A to the . . .

P.S. The Norton 360 antivirus software sold sold for £17.50 plus £3.50 p&p