Ak-Man’s Top 5 Reasons To Get A Job

Who wants some free money?

OK, it’s not totally free, you have to ‘work’ for it . . . well actually, if your fortunate enough, you just have to turn up to work. You don’t even have to arrive there on time.

“Of course profits drive most companies to get the most activity out its employees for the least amount of payment that they can get away with. So it would serve an employee well to get the most amount of payment for the least amount of work. A balance must be struck between employer and employee.”

– Eugene D. Gibson (An Islander’s Outlook Of The World)

If you already have a job, GREAT, you’re halfway there . . . just try not to leave your monitor exposed while you read this. Most of us are being overworked and underpaid, so I’m about to reveal my Top 5 Reasons To Get A Job.

5. LUNCH TIME

Some employees are fortunate enough to get paid for their lunch breaks . . . how great is that? You could almost call it a free lunch . . . almost. Others are not so fortunate but it’s okay. If they give you an hour’s lunch, leave 10mins earlier and come back 10mins later. That’s 20mins of free money. Now sit at your desk and settle down for another 10mins . . . that’s 30mins worth of cash you didn’t ‘work’ for . . . welcome to my world.

4. HOME TIME

Simply the best part of the working day. You’ve been looking forward to this since your alarm went off in the morning. Unless you work in a small office environment, or have to clock in and out like Fred Flintstone, you really have no excuse for not slipping out 15 – 30mins early. You aren’t chicken are you? I thought you wanted some of that free money. Get up and stroll out as if you are supposed to be leaving that early.

Always have someone else to blame (who isn’t around) if you get caught by a superior.

3. SICK PAY

There are several reasons to take ‘sick days’ . . . try not to waste them when you are actually sick. Ever notice how so people turn up to work feeling like crap? Coughing all over the place with red eyes and running noses? It’s because they don’t want to waste their sick days in bed with no one to look after them. Take sick days when you’re feeling well, that way you’ll get paid to recover from a hangover, watch TV and play computer games . . . or even go to an interview for a job that pays more and requires you to work less.

2. HOLIDAY PAY

Quite similar to sick pay, but offers less spontaneity. I have a higher regard for holiday pay because if you’re fortunate enough, you may actually be going on a holiday. Somewhere nice where the inhabitants don’t understand what you’re saying, and you’re never sure if you received the correct change from the shops. Your employer can’t phone you with annoying questions or ask you to come in for a half day. You’ll return to money in your bank, that’s money you earned by enjoying yourself in another country and not thinking or work at all.

1. Turn Up And Do Nothing

As ‘they’ say, it’s the small things in life. The Number One reason to get a job is that you can get paid a days work and do nothing but . . .

Take A Power Naps – Lean back on your chair, close your eyes and catch up on some of the sleep you lost the night before. Alternatively, fold your arms on top of your desk and use it as a rest for your head.

Make Personal Calls – Not only are you costing the company money by not doing your job, you’re also running up their phone bill.

Have A Snack Break – Isn’t it funny how no one will question you if you’re sitting at your desk eating a choc bar. Only a fool would ask you what you’re up to. Totally acceptable in the workplace.

Check Your Emails – If you don’t know how to do this, you really shouldn’t be working in an office environment . . . get yourself a McDonalds application form and learn the value of an hour.

Chat To Your Friends via Instant Messenger – Compare who’s wasted more of the day; make social arrangements; discuss prior arrangements; moan about having a job; send each other cool web links to check out.

Check Out Cool Web Links – http://islanderoutlook.blogspot.com/

I’m sure you can think of several other ways to escape working while at work (pretend to go to the toilet), there are loads. If you’re really bored, try and calculate how much of your working day you actually spend working. You might be surprised by how much free money you’re stacking up.

“So it would serve an employee well to get the most amount of payment for the least amount of work.”

- Eugene D. Gibson (An Islander’s Outlook Of The World)

A to the . . .

Answers From A Former McDonalds Employee

It should now be common knowledge that I did hard time at McD’s. Shortly after my release I began rehabilitated myself and slowly integrated myself into a modernized society once more. A model citizen, some might say.

A few scars remained however; pictures still vivid in my head. The nightmares used to feel so real; they’d wake me out of my sleep . . .

“Can I get a cheeseburger with no cheese please?”

“A hamburger?”

“Are you deaf? A cheeseburger with no cheese moron.”

So I opened up the forum, and said I’d write up a response to your comments. Here’s what we got . . .

Eugene D. Gibson said...

Aa a former worker of McDonald's here in the Bahamas I understand your plight.I like your content keep it up!

I’m sure you do Eugene. Same company, different parts of the world. And it’s not exactly a glamorous establishment which entices interesting (or even well-mannered) folk. Just hungry people who want cheap, low quality food . . . and they want it now.

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Ah, I used to work the till at Woolies. I hated it. It was before the days of security tags. My way with getting even with the system was to give three for two on every purchase I put through. Seems I was way ahead of my time..

Ahead in more ways than one Carol. I used to dish out a few bits and bobs . . . not to get back at the company though, my case was pure negligence. And if people complained about not having enough fries I used to go over the top and cram in as many fries as the carton could take.

Bart said...

What exactly IS the secret sauce?

How much food gets nuked as opposed to fresh grilling/heating?

How the f do sesame seeds stick to the buns?

The secret sauce is such a secret that even employees don’t know it. The packets had no info about the ingredients. They used to deliver the boxes in unmarked vehicles.

Surprisingly, not much nuked at all. Only pancakes got the microwave treatment. ZAP! The rest was fried, grilled or toasted.

Sesame seeds on buns? They are holding on for their lives. What purpose do they have except being eaten? Either that or end up getting flicked off a table. I’d cling too.

Xymyl said...

I never had the McJoy of getting McPaid. I never even bothered to apply at my local McDonalds. Everybody there had 4 year degrees, and I was a high school drop out. I knew I would never be accepted as part of that elite group.

I wish they had Indian McDonalds in the U.S. They probably wouldn’t have hired me either because I most certainly would have been in a lower McCast.

I could really go for a McAloo Tikki right now.

You’ve got me thinking about the possibility of a Nigerian McDonald’s (not a McDonald’s in Nigeria).

Fried McChicken with McJollof and of course, the nation’s favorite beverage, Supermalt. It’s bedtime after that inexpensive, belly bulging meal deal.

Deborah Gamble said...

In the United States they have strict rules like the Happy Meal paper bag must be folded twice down at one inch creases. Same for the UK?

I used to just scrunch the top of the bag and hand it over with a compensating smile. I have no time for company policy. “Next”

If there was a rule about Happy Meals I didn’t obey it.

Shareen said...

McDonalds!!!!!!!!! Dont it bring back memories? I actually liked working there for a while as well, but only when i was doing kids parties, until i realised they were taking the mick out of my life! Il neva regret working there still :)

I don’t regret working their either. I regret staying as long as I did though. Four years later and I still get grub from there, and see people I used to work with. I wonder if they’ll ever be released. Some were there before me.

Doug said...

Hey ak-man,

The horror,the horror.

I too worked in fast food longer

than I wish to remember.

Nothing like coming home with

a layer of grease on your body.

I'm returning to my blog two

days a week so come by and say

howdy.

Cheers,

Doug

I used to come home stinking of fast food. I also used to bring some home on many occasions. I ate way too much of that trash and never got sick of it. I made my own custom burger; it was called the Ak-Mac (I really did this). It was a heavy duty burger; I was only allowed to make it when certain managers were on shift. Quarter buns, two slabs quarter meat, lettuce, Mac sauce, and some other ingredients that weren’t what they appeared. Hmmmm . . . tasty.

I could do with a McChicken Premiere right now actually. Make it a large meal with a still Fanta and an apple pie.

A to the . . .

Ask A Former McDonalds Employee

It’s not something I keep a secret, nothing I’m proud of either. But I did indeed work for McDonalds for twenty-three months . . . yes it’s true.

This was my first official job and they trapped me for twenty-three months. I experienced a lot there; good and bad times were shared with my crew members. I well and truly learnt the value of a single pound coin (you’ve seen the 99p menu right?) and swallowed my pride on several occasions.

‘Can I take your order please?’ - Ugh, that brings back memories. Considering that you wanted the food more than I wanted to serve you I don’t get why I was forced to ask this question . . . with smile . . . and wearing a tie! What was the tie about? Were we supposed to look like executives?

‘Excuse me sir, would you like to upgrade that to a large meal for just 30p extra? Trust me, I’m wearing a tie sir’ – No shame, no damn shame.

At one point I did actually like the job . . . REALLY . . . there was a point where I liked working there. It was a fifteen minute walk from my house, they paid me every two weeks and I had quite a few work mates there. McDonalds funded my PS2, Sony Mini-Disc player, two week trip to Tenerife, countless nights out and so much more. I’m watching the Sky News on the TV they funded right now.

*** When I say they funded it I mean that I worked for the money and they paid me on time ***

So I’m opening up the forum almost five years after I waked out and told them that I was moving on to bigger and better things . . . Marks and Spencer’s.

Feel free to ‘Ask A Former McDonalds Employee’ whatever you want. It’s been a while but I remember it like it was yesterday . . . I really do, a lot went down. Leave you’re questions in the comments sections and I’ll do a write up with replies.

Clock In, Clock Out.

A to the . . .