Tuesday, 1 January 2008


Are their any good builders out there? Finding one isn’t as simple as getting good crack in the eighties is it? Damn, they lock up all the drug pushers and let the real cowboys roam the streets. Every time these dusty boot crooks leave my house they get a wad of cash and leave what appears to be a job well done . . . “Cheers Bob, thanks once again.”

. . . that is until you turn the tap and find it’s still leaking, or take a good look at walls and find that the paint job is uneven. My days . . . bet you never see him again . . . “If I ever get my hands on Bob!”

Maybe I should have been a builder . . . I’m not joking.

  • You don’t need any qualifications
  • You don’t need to apply to any companies
  • You don’t even need to actually know how to complete the job you’ve been assigned

All you really need is some dirty overalls, a pair of old boots and a little bit of marketing. You’ve got 66.6% of those things lying around your house. Invest in some tools . . . I’m sure you have some already, but it won’t look too professional if you’re screwing in nails with a table knife.

Another great aspect of this hustle is that all money earned is tax free. If you’re not contracted to an organization you’ll be paid cash in hand . . . which turns into cash in bank. No tax, no National Insurance and the student loans bureaucracy can kiss my asshole! Cheeks spread and all! . . . Excuse me.

When speaking of hustling the drug game is unappealing to me because apposed to the builder’s trade it is too risky and has way too many expenses. In the builders trade customers are charged for additional supplies or equipment. Need some pipes? Your clients have to pay for it. Need some tiles? Your clients have to pay for it. It’s a cost effective hustle. In the drug trade you pay for any additional supplies i.e. scales, utensils, packaging, weaponry, etc.

If you want to sell drugs you need cash up front for your supplier. That’s already investment spending . . . as we business minded folks are aware, no investments are certain. You could splash out on some stock and:

  • Get jacked by a rival gang
  • Realise that the market is too competitive (you must sell stock at a lower rate)
  • Law enforcements could confiscate your narcotics
  • You may forget it on the train
  • Your girlfriend might smoke it all (bitch)

Far less hazards are met as a builder, but they do of course exist. To maximise your hustle you must stop thinking like a drug pusher who is worried about being shot or arrested and start thinking like a builder. Here a few pointers that should make life a lot easier for you.

One . . .

It’s worth noting that builders don’t ride public transports; it’s not just an image. They need to lug about heavy/large equipment. So get yourself a van or lorry. Don’t worry they’re dirt cheap on the second hand marker. Yes this is an investment spend, but it will pay itself off and can also be used for leisure . . . I’ll pick you up at eight ; )

Two . . .

You’ll need to network with builders who are actually skilled. I’ll tell you why . . . whilst on a job you may be asked to additionally take care of a tricky task which maybe electrical or of the plumbing nature for example. Now instead of blowing a fuse or flooding the ground floor for the extra cash, take on the job and call someone who can actually do it. When the job (you didn’t do) is complete take a share of the profits. Two birds, one stone, simple.

Three . . .

Take into consideration that the builder’s hustle involves a lot more labour than trafficking drugs. So even though you’re not doing the job properly, you’re still going to have to work for your money. The house isn’t going to paint itself now is it? Cut back on time by not applying an undercoat if you’re painting . . . tell the occupants that it’s supposed to look like that until it dries . . . by the time the notice the difference you’re long gone.

Let’s be real . . . do I really need to pull up sources to suggest that more people have been ripped off by builders than by drug distributors? And how many builders get prosecuted each year for crappy jobs? . . . Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Now if you’re nodding along while reading please note that in order to be a dodgy builder you must be more unethical than our salesman of choice (the drugs pusher). As far as business is concerned, drug sellers are more loyal to their customers. This is because their business is set up with some of the basic customer service ideals:

  • You want substance abusers to return
  • Good business will multiple via word of mouth
  • You make yourself readily available (business number)
  • You trade at competitive rates
  • You don’t want stoners grassing you up to law officials

In order to be a successful dodgy builder, scrap all that sh*t above. Returning customers will try and take you to civil claims courts; word of mouth is will almost always result in slander; you can only be available for fast money jobs; and as for competitive prices . . . never hold on too tightly to a builders quote. It always ends up being a ‘bigger job’ than first predicted.

I hope you’ve learnt a thing or two from today’s economics lesson. There’s a lot of money to be made out there, legally and illegally. Just be careful before you decide which avenue to pursue, make sure to weigh up the pros and cons. You’ll to maximise your revenue and minimise your expenditure . . . simple stuff.

A to the . . .


Les Becker said...

That's it, you've convinced me. I'm changing careers. Ummm. Again.

Dan Mega said...


Sounds like someone experienced a bad contractor. I've been there too. Nothing that myself and my stepdad couldn't fix.

Xymyl said...

Although I enjoyed the post, I feel that it is of utmost importance to remember that almost everyone is totally incompetent AND trying to rip you off. I'm just glad that most of the people who try to rip me off are not qualified to do a thorough job of it.

Also, was there ever such a thing as good crack? I have always assumed that - even in the seedy underworld - crack was considered low rent. But I suppose with all the meth everywhere, crack is starting to look pretty darn classy.

Ak-Man said...

Les - You can handle the electrics and I'll sort out the plumbing ; )

Dan Mega - One too many, there's more bad ones than good.

xymyl - I watched a documentary on the early crack days. They used to floods the streets with the good stuff at first . . . but capitalism will ruin most things. Yes, even crack : (

Pope Terry said...

Hmmmm, well it seems you've thought that through quite a bit. Plus you can charge for quotes, thats 50 pounds just for turning up. Dealers dont get that do they.

Ak-Man said...

P. Terry - Nah, dealers don't get that fee! They might want to consider it though. I can imagine a lot of people call them up and try to negotiate payment in the form of toilet roll, sandwiches and handy jobs . . . what has this world come to?

Xymyl said...

Now you've got me doing research. This cracked me up (honestly, no pun intended):

A Wikipedia article about cocaine said, "Smoking freebase is preferred by many users[citation needed]"

I wonder where the writer got his information if he can provide no reference material.

Ken Burns would never do something like that.

GenesisCEO said...

nice blog, cool!!! will come back again to see what more new update

david mcmahon said...

Lotsa good builders here in Oz, my old friend - but the commute will take a while!

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Hey The Ak, you are THE Man!! No shit, never a truer word (grin).

Love your style of writing - where the hell is this book of yours?


Dan Mega said...

I am dying for another blog post by you dude.

pavithra said...

Thanks, That was a useful information.

Middle Ditch said...

Always employ somebody local, ensuring that if they do it wrong their reputation is in ruins. Works every time.

Shrinky said...

Hi there hon, I'm back (new site).