Don’t Make Them Like They Used To

How’d my new PC break after less than a week? Wouldn’t have been too surprised if I’d had the thing for a year or two . . . but less than a week and it died? R.I.P.

I strolled into PC World with a no nonsense mentality.

Store Assistant: "Can I help you?"

Ak-Man: "Yeah, my PC won’t switch on, I want to exchange it or get a refund."

You have to give them the options or they’ll take you for a ride and feed you some crap about getting it sent to the manufacturers for repairs.

What’s more annoying is that I had brought the PC to the store a couple of days prior for the same reason. But the PC worked in the store, making me look a little foolish. And it worked when I got home so I was cool. I’d wasted a bit of time, but my PC worked so it was all good.

Even though the PC was faulty and I didn’t do anything to damage it I still had one or two lies under my sleeve. Just in case they wanted to play hardball. Anyone else think up excuses when they return things? You know, just in case . . .

I was ready to play the student role. If things got messy I’d tell them that I’m a student and I have lots of work that needs to be done. I can’t afford to lose my PC for weeks, not even a day; I’ve got essays to write.

I had figured that this was flawless . . . it’s a lie but believable; who’d question it? Fortunately I didn’t have to reduce myself to that.

They actually gave me an upgraded model at no extra cost because the one they sold me was no longer in stock. So now I have an even better PC . . . it switches on, and other fancy stuff like that.

A repair man is coming to my house on Tuesday to fix a computer I no longer have. I really must remember to call them up to cancel that . . . maybe I’ll do that tomorrow . . . maybe.

A to the . . .

Ex

It’s been a not so silent war between us for a while now. I guess everyone knew it was coming to an end. Break-ups are always easier when you see them coming. And if you’re like me then it’s likely that you’ll have something lined up before you split. I made no secret of that, everyone knew I had your replacement lined up, I’d pretty much moved on already . . . I was at least planning to. You can act ignorant if you want, but I wasn’t going to let you treat me like that and keep you around.

What was it in particular? There was so much to it, I hate the fact that I chose this, out of all the options I had, look at what I chose. But you were easy, that swayed my decision. Can’t lie, you looked great at first . . . but beauty is only skin deep . . . what would you know about that though?

You went from easy to difficult, difficult to intolerable. I had invested so much in you, so I felt like I had to keep at it, things might change . . . Who was I kidding?

Damn, you’re unreliable, you do as you please and you’re so damned inconsiderate. I have to do everything myself. I showed so much patience with you, you had to notice that, don’t tell me you didn’t at least notice that. I lost so much of my life just waiting for you . . . why does everything take you so long?

My friends and family laughed at me because of you. I never told you that did I? It’s funny that I tried to spare YOUR feelings LOL . . . as if you have any. You’re a cold piece of work do you know that?

I hope they find you hanging out of a skip somewhere, all smashed up. You know I could make that happen right? Not many people have seen my dark side; you’re one of a few. You must have been quite scared a few time times, when I ruffed you up, smacked you around . . . the screaming, the threats. Couldn’t complain if you wanted to . . . LOL . . . who would you tell? Can’t do anything without me. Are you even aware of how much of a burden you were all these years? Didn’t think so.

A lot of people were surprised when I replaced you . . . you weren’t. Didn’t even react when I unplugged you. Heartless till the end.

I don’t mind you staying in my room for now; you can watch us together from that cold shelf.

You’ve been replaced, farewell you dusty old machine.

You want to know about your replacement? . . . I’ll tell you anyway.

Intel Core 2 Duo Processor
Windows Vista Home Premium
1 GB of RAM
320 GB Hard Disk Drive
15 in 1 Memory Card Reader
19inch Hard Glass Technology; Flat/Widescreen Monitor

Bitch!

A to the . . .

Oh No You Don’t

Let me quickly bang this out before the rage fades.

Two weeks ago I parted with hard cash to watch a film called Transformers . . . you may have heard of it? OF COURSE YOU HAVE! It’s been promoted as one of the biggest blockbusters of the year . . . yeah right. Unsaturated pure garbage! This is why I download and watch so many movies on my laptop . . . free of charge.

I’m a tough film critic, no doubt. But I didn’t expect too much from Transformers. Fight scenes and eye pleasing special affects. The movie had both . . . so why was I sat in front of the big screen getting angrier with each scene?

OK, OK! I admit I was drawn into the movie during the first half an hour. There was a good balance of action and humour, hot shots of the leading lady and feint attempts at generating a storyline. Good stuff so far . . .

Add a poor attempt at a plausible storyline, completely unrealistic stunts and interaction between the Transformers and humans, and a whole bunch of irregularities and you have the formula to making Ak-Man furious!

It was Megan Fox’s Oscar award winning performance that silenced my boos and jeers.

Example:

Funny man Sam Witwicky can not only out run a Transformer twenty times his size, with intergalactic technological abilities, but he can also get whacked 30ft onto a car and walk off unharmed, he didn’t even wince in pain, shock maybe? . . . I’m far from believing that.

I watch a scene like that and think, ‘what foolishness!’

Allow me to break down another irregularity I observed. After the first 30mins I was actively looking for them, and had no trouble finding them.

Example:

OK, this Transformer called Bumblebee can’t speak English due to a technological malfunction. So he uses the car radio to talk. Yeah it’s as stupid as it sounds. He rapidly switches between radio stations picking out words and phrases to generate sentences that just about understandable, if you care about what he has to say. I could get into why this is also unbelievable but I’ll let it slide because of the bigger picture.

The rest of the Transformers speak mighty fine English for a bunch on immigrants . . . also not a problem. We are told that they learnt to speak English from the internet. I don’t even want to know how they got on online r what they were doing, I’ll let it slide.

OK check this . . . Megatron (bad guy Transformer) also speaks PERFECT English!!! Here is the problem. When he came to Earth over a century ago he crash landed and was frozen in ice. There also wasn’t any internet at the time . . .

. . . Please offer your explanations so that I can tear them to pieces.

This movie is filled with numerous acts of nonsense. It’s hard to miss them unless you slept through the film . . . I almost dozed off a few times but was worried that I’d miss a good shot of Miss Fox.

It pains me greatly that most of the people I know actually enjoyed this film. I’m constantly finding new reason to question friendships. Transformers is a movie created to be enjoyed by children and morons. Take from that what you will.

I wish I writ this as soon as I got home . . . but Arsenal were playing and I had to watch the match. Then almost two weeks worth of ‘stuff’ happened so it almost got overlooked.

Please also note that Transformers literally went missing, couldn’t aim despite their advanced technology, and often changed their scale just to bug me. Daylight switched to night time in a car chase that lasted under a minute, nothing in-between, just bright sunshine, then high night. Captain Lennox skidded his motorbike, slid off it then slid on the road, on his back for twenty meters and used his rocket launcher (which he had in hand the whole time) to take a shot at a Transformer. ‘What foolishness’, then nothing happened, he just ran and hid in a side street. What was the point of that completely unrealistic stunt?

Did any of you guys watch and enjoy this movie? Let me know what you liked about it. Megan Fox and the special effects are both off limits as they were both unarguably great features of the movie. Wait for it to be released on DVD so you can be one of the cool people who don’t own it.

A to the . . .

The Fake Summer Of 2007 . . . Part Two

The weather is picking up (not today though) slightly and I’m gripping ever so tightly on hope. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to cruise Oxford Street this summer with no intention whatsoever to shop. It really isn’t much of a summer without the sun.

Girls don’t look the same. Their faces exhibit a scowl that says ‘Don’t even think about it.’ They’re all covered up also . . . I don’t mean to sound like a perve, but isn’t that one of the perks of summer? Rear ending drivers because you’re not watching the road; jumping off a bus at random stops to chase a girl down the street for her number; starring at breasts with you shades on while you ask of her age, and where she lives. Then calling her up that same night because you know she has five other guys trying to ‘link’ her . . . got to scrap the three day rule.

The rain is pouring as I type this. Heavy shower . . . perfect conditions for jet skiing, high diving or surfing. It’s a shame I’m into none of the above or I’d be outside now in my trunks having the time of my life . . . don’t worry about the thunder and lightening.

I’m in desperate need of a heat wave! At least one so that I can get a fresh trim, drop two-hundred press-ups, iron a fresh white t-shirt, bring the white on white trainers out the box and stroll aimlessly along the city’s central (Zinger Tower Burger in hand) looking for ways get myself in trouble.

My highlight of this summer is my trip to Texas. What a great way to kick off the summer. Crazy heat, and not a single cloud in the sky for seven days (ok, there was one rain storm). A wedding, two parties, shopping for about four days, more food than I could meet, family times and I made a bunch of buddies.

So I got off the pane at Heathrow on what would now seem like an out of place sunny day. Didn’t want to be back, but the sun came with me, ‘Let’s rock and roll.’

. . . Well you know how that story goes : (

Don’t need the sun to have fun but it helps, and provides a few more options and far less female scowls!

A to the . . .

The Fake Summer Of 2007

The poor weather has slashed the number of sickies taken by workers by nearly a fifth. Last summer, employees called in sick to bask in blazing temperatures. But during the wettest June on record, the number of sickies fell by 17 per cent and many workers even put in extra hours, said absence management company FirstCare, which carried out the research. – Metro, Friday, July 6, 2007

What kind of foolishness . . .

I was only joking when I said that this ‘summer’ would be recorded in the history books. Now tales will be handed down for generations regarding The Fake Summer Of 2007 . . . a joke at the time, but now it’s the case.

I never saw this coming; never even had a clue. I was actually running my mouth in the early stages of spring claiming that this would be the hottest summer in quite some time. I got back on my 8 min abs routine and started over doing the press-ups again. Even bought some new clothes and a hot pair of sunshades . . . I was up for it; ready to rock and roll . . . then it started raining and it hasn’t stopped since.

People are strolling around with their winter jackets on and their umbrellas at the ready. Unless you go to a nightclub it’s pretty damn hard to find scantly clad women. The lager louts are keeping their shirts on and kids are yet to burn the field behind my house. Is there any advantage to this fake summer? I can only imagine the agricultural industries benefiting from these downpours . . . and of course environmentalist who would have us believe that we are suffering because we have neglected our ecosystem.

If you don’t live in the UK then you might not think that this is a big deal . . . please believe me, this is bigger than a big deal!

In the UK we’re use to crappy summers, but we like knowing that we’ll usually get a few heat waves here and there. We like knowing that it might not always be a sunny day, but it’ll always be frustratingly hot. We love the fact that our bosses know we’re not sick but allow us the day off regardless knowing that they’ll skip a couple of days the following week.

What’s in store for us this summer? Err . . . more rain and wind. We’ve had floods and hailstones already, so snow in July isn’t that far fetched (seriously people, it’s that bad).

I’ll find something to do . . . already been getting myself into little dramas here and there. Fortunately this isn’t a ‘Dear Diary’ style blog so that’s all I’ll say about that.

Hopefully we’ll get a nice day where I can sport my killer shades and stroll aimlessly along Oxford Street checking out London’s finest ladies.

A to the . . .

I Should Have Been In Shrek The Third

OK, OK . . . I know I made bunch of noise for not being considered for a role in the blockbuster 300 (I Should Have Been In 300) , but this surely a greater travesty!

Shrek The Third? Great film, I won’t dispute that at all, they had me cracking up throughout . . . the ending was a bit cheesy but that’s to be expected right? The humour was varied and at times surprisingly intelligent. I knew a few jokes were only for potential MENSA applicants when I was the only person in the cinema laughing.

So what’s my problem with Shrek The Third?

I’ll blooming tell you!

A bunch of washed up and faded bad guys! That was the problem. I hope I’m not the only person who thinks that Shrek got off a little easy? Trust me, if I was Prince Charming I would have put together a stronger brigade of bad ass villains! And what’s the deal with Captain Hook . . . he’s from Never Never Land right? Not Far Far Away . . . disgusting, but we won’t get into that.

I should have played Prince Charmin . . . I can relate to his anguish. Let us not forget that Prince Charmin, like my self used to be a good guy. But sadly everything was taken from him and he ended up at the bottom of the pile . . . a laughing stock (not me, Prince Charmin) . . . it’s a cold world kid. And didn’t his mother die is Shrek 2? He had good reasons to flip over to the dark side. If I was him, it would be serious beef! Forget the fairy tale villains; I’ll be bringing out the big guns! You want washed up bad guys? . . . And wholesome family fun?

Presenting to you first Mumrah . . .

This guy along could probably wipe the floor with the whole of Far Far Away. Sworn enemy to the ThunderCats, Mumrah was always ‘oh so close’. I’m not sure of what exactly it was he wanted to achieve (most likely world domination) but those ThunderCats frustrated the hell out of him. He’ll be my right hand man . . . he can do crazy stuff with lightning, that’ll come in handy. He sleeps a hell of a lot though, that might be a problem.

Next in line is Shredder . . .

Highly skilled in hand to hand combat and also used to taking orders. Shredder is what I’d call an advanced foot soldier; he likes to roll up his sleeves and get involved with the dirty work. And give him some credit people; he had to work alongside those two morons Bebop and Rocksteady. The turtles should be ashamed, they occasionally scuffed him four and one and he came out looking pretty good most days.

OK, maybe I’m making this a little unfair on Shrek but next up is Skeletor . . .

Oh, you thought He-Man (no relation) was a tough guy? Skeletor made sure He-Man had no days off. He commanded his own army and was an excellent swordsman . . . it was more like a long perilous stick that he wielded but swordsman sounds more impressive on a CV. He was in great shape for a ‘man’ who many thought was made of bones (his name and face does give that impression), check out the triceps; you have to do specific workouts to get those.

I don’t think we are in need of anymore man power so last and probably least is Eric Cartman . . .

His heartless and self-centred characteristics make him the South Park front man. You can see him in the picture above liking tears of off Scott Tenorman's face; why would he do that? Well Cartman had the kids parents killed, swiped their bodies and made a chilli out of them . . . he then tricked Scott into eating his own parents. Cartman will head the torture and interrogations departments. He’ll also be my constant supply of wisecracks; the other guys don’t really look like a fun bunch.

I’m not actually sure if this will remain as a comedic family film. I don’t even think the good guys will win! Who’s going to step to us? Puss In Boots and Donkey? They’ll most likely be the ingredients to our celebratory meal. Can anyone say chilli?

You know I should have been in Shrek The Third!

A to the . . .

One Step Ahead

In your face b*tch!!!

On the 1st of July 2007 (22:00) Channel 4 aired a show titled ‘Memoirs of a Cigarette’. This was the same day in which the UK enforced its smoking ban.

Channel 4 decided to document the history of smoking in the media . . . how original channel 4, I expected so much more from you. I kind of did this already you b*tches! My three part self documentation called ‘The Autobiography Of A Non-Smoker Who Kind Of Smoked’ . . . ring any bells?

So Channel 4 pretty much stole my innovative dichotomy and reworked it with achieved clips and celebrity appearances. I couldn’t (be bothered to) go through all of that effort when just like Channel 4 I wasn’t really making a solid point . . . I was also just telling a few stories. I guess I could have run a few searches on YouTube and pulled up the funniest clips though; maybe next time.

So finally, as apposed to realising that all my ideas have been done already, I come to find that for once I can claim that someone else has copied me.

And my effort never had lame quotes like:

“John Travolta is a fantastic smoker. When he smokes he just looks so cool” – Some Travolta groupie . . . didn’t catch his name.

A to the . . .

I Should Have Been In 300

I’m so serious this time around. 300 is the best film I’ve watched on the big screen this year, and only two things disappoint me about it. Well three things actually, but I don’t want to ruin the film for anyone who hasn’t seen it.

I hadn’t been to the cinema much before 300 was released and therefore saw no trailers of the movie. I didn’t even know the movie existed until I came across a website and some dude was like “yeah man, this is the best kick ass movie of all time”. Or something like that, I forget his exact words but he rated it over Die Hard so I was impressed. Die hard is serious business.

The adverts started appearing on TV and I was in awe . . . this wasn’t the kind of film I wanted to download and watch on a 15 inch laptop screen with the lights out, a bottle of Supermalt and a few bags of corner shop popcorn, nah.

After I watched the film (on the second weekend of its release) I had this urge to fight . . . guys know what I mean, it’s a blood pumping movie. It was quite late though and all the street kids were probably at home putting up stolen items for sale on eBay. The cinema car park was pretty much empty so I just jumped in the car and went home thinking to myself, ‘I should have been in 300.’

What makes me eligible? A few things actually.

Firstly, and most importantly I am the owner of a well maintained six pack. Not many men can boast of this, and if you’ve seen the movie you’ll know that this is a requirement.

Secondly, the 300 soldiers lacked flavour. I think you know what I mean . . . they needed a few black men I their ranks. Wouldn’t have made much of a difference to the outcome, but it would have certainly changed how I felt about the ending . . . can’t say too much of course, some people haven’t seen the film so excuse my vagueness.

I am an excellent wielder of the sword. I once won a fight with the assistance of a cricket bat . . . all’s fair in love and war.

I hope you’re beginning to see my point, I pretty much feel snubbed by the producers and I’m sure the following people do also.

Gennaro Gattuso

If the killer beard isn’t enough to solidify his 300 status, then maybe his bad ass persona does. Gattuso is what I call a ‘professional fouler’; it’s better to play with than against him. In the world of football (soccer) bad boys he is up there with the likes of Roy Keane, Vinnie Jones and Zinadine ‘Don’t talk about my sister’ Zidane. Less talk, more action, always up for a fight.

Prince Harry

This kids desire to go to war is intense. I don’t know what exactly he wants to prove or do out there, but he certainly has the hunger. I recon he’d knock off a few Persians before the Monarchy requested his hasty return home. It’s a shame too, because every man counts.

John Prescott

He is the British MP who punched a guy in the face for throwing an egg on his head . . . nuff said.

Lisa Nowak

Nowak is 100% ‘insane crazy’, an asset for any infantry troop. For those of you who missed the story click here. She taught me that anything worth loving is worth fighting for and can possibly drive you to insanity . . . a constructive insanity which breeds a hazardous and destructive psychosis that’ll scare the crap out of any opposition.

I think you will agree that those of us listed have been greatly ill-treated and our involvement would have intensified the zeal of 300. If a sequel is made, expect to see me in it.

A to the . . .

Get Me Off Of This Train

Preferably before I SCREAM!!!

I just generally don’t like other people, especially when I’m tired or hungry. If I’m both then you may see a tear swelling in my eye if you look close enough. This shouldn’t be hard to see considering how closely we’re crammed into this train carriage.

What happened to personal space?

Rush hour is only tolerable when you have a seat; life looks better from that angle. It’s easier to read a book, a newspaper or whatever. You can relax you legs and crank up the volume on you mp3 player. You can wrestle for the armrests. If you’re extremely tired you can use the adjacent strangers shoulder as a pillow; you might get a troubled look but you’ll be sleeping so who cares? It’s a free world after all.

I grabbed a copy of the Metro this morning while I sleepwalked my way to work, and noticed an interesting little piece about the stress of commuting and how we deal with it. A few interesting points were made.

One . . .

Singing, humming or talking to ourselves

Huh?
I don’t know how this helps people deal with stress. At best people will discretely veer away from you, providing you with more of that precious personal space. You might even be lucky enough to score a seat . . . falsetto.

Two . . .

Planning for the day ahead or after-work activities

It’s just way too early for this . . . and if I’m on my way home, then it’s way too late also. Unless it’s a Friday and this that case I’m probably banging out text messages.

“R U Cumin 2nite?”

Three . . .

Working on a laptop, writing or reading and always make the effort to travel outside of rush-hour

Is travelling outside of rush-hour even an option for most people? I’ll drop this issue right here, but only because the Metro is a free newspaper. You won’t see this kind of crazy talk in The Guardian. Yes, everyone, stay at work till seven and then . . . oh, that’s the original problem, we’re all leaving at the same time.
OK, I really will stop now.

Four . . .

Getting angry with other commuters or admiring attractive people

I don’t know who writ this, or if their job is even secure. OK, yes it was in bullet points but I just don’t understand whether or not they are giving me permission to ‘wild out’ on public transport. I try to keep my cool when people annoy me on the train, but I might just have to reconsider if it will help me to ‘de-stress’.

I like how they have fused anger and lust together so casually. The two emotions that can fast-track your applications to jail and Hell.

Five . . .

Listening to music or audio books

Yes I must listen to my music this loud so stop looking at me like that before I exercise point four!

Six . . .

Oral gratification – from chewing gum, talking on a mobile, chatting with other commuters or eating

Yeah, I was disappointed too, thought they were going to take this in another direction.

Seven . . .

Abusing substances such as tobacco and alcohol

I was waiting for a train last week and was offered a beer (Stella Artois). I’m usually up for freebies but politely declined the generous offer; this didn’t stop him from taking to me though. I felt sorry for the guy; his wife won’t let me bring alcohol home . . . I guess she is cool with him coming home drunk though.

Eight . . .

Meditation or prayer

This requires a focused mind, especially with ladies breasts pressed against you and sweaty men’s armpits in your grill (how’s that for ambiguity?). I’m 6’2” though so it’s not an issue for me (the armpits, I’m still a man).

Nine . . .

Seeking counselling or medication to cope with stress

I’m guessing that they don’t expect you to do this during rush hour. Wouldn’t it be cool to unload your problems to someone while you travelled home though?
“Ak, this is just between you, me and all the people in this carriage”

Please . . . just get me off of this train.

A to the . . .

Provisional Ranting

Excuse me while I break away from my natural style of blogging, to a more well know approach to being heard. It would seem that most bloggers are in fact professional grumblers. I don’t know who is handing out the certificates, licences or permits so I’ll be careful as to how I protest my issues. I don’t want the officials coming after me . . . “Licence and registration please sir.”

I want to have a little whinge regarding the fluky buggers who passed their driving test first time round.

I don’t know the procedures people go through to acquire their driving licence in other countries, but here in the UK only a few things harder to achieve. On a good day you’re more likely to win the jackpot on Deal Or No Deal than to pass you’re driving test. You see, just like Deal Or No Deal passing your diving test is pretty much based on luck, and not how well you can actually drive. I was driving way before I took my test (for the first time) so what was all the fuss about? “Give me my pink card!”

OK fair enough, my first unsuccessful attempt at the test involved me driving on the wrong side of the road, but no one was harmed so what’s the big deal? . . . Or no deal. The second and third time . . . I don’t even know why I failed on subsequent attempts; they were just making stuff up (real talk). This cost me over well £100 each time, and I aint balling like that.

When I passed on my fourth attempt I was pretty damn relieved. The examiner told me that I was even ‘lucky’ to pass . . . what a jerk. Where was the luck? I drove, you sat there and we both came back alive. Before he told me that I had passed I wasn’t even sure . . . I had pretty much done the same things twice prior and failed. There is just no correlation.

When people tell me that they passed their test on the first attempt I’m like,

“So f**king what?
You think you’re better than me?
Huh?
You wanna throw down right now?
Huh?
I’ll kick your ass b*tch!”

And I’ll do it as well, because I’m petty like that. You’re not better than me; you just got lucky on the day . . . and exhale.

A to the . . .