Tuesday, 6 November 2007

Ak-Man’s Top 5 Reasons To Get A Job


Who wants some free money?

OK, it’s not totally free, you have to ‘work’ for it . . . well actually, if your fortunate enough, you just have to turn up to work. You don’t even have to arrive there on time.

“Of course profits drive most companies to get the most activity out its employees for the least amount of payment that they can get away with. So it would serve an employee well to get the most amount of payment for the least amount of work. A balance must be struck between employer and employee.”

Eugene D. Gibson (An Islander’s Outlook Of The World)

If you already have a job, GREAT, you’re halfway there . . . just try not to leave your monitor exposed while you read this. Most of us are being overworked and underpaid, so I’m about to reveal my Top 5 Reasons To Get A Job.

5. LUNCH TIME

Some employees are fortunate enough to get paid for their lunch breaks . . . how great is that? You could almost call it a free lunch . . . almost. Others are not so fortunate but it’s okay. If they give you an hour’s lunch, leave 10mins earlier and come back 10mins later. That’s 20mins of free money. Now sit at your desk and settle down for another 10mins . . . that’s 30mins worth of cash you didn’t ‘work’ for . . . welcome to my world.

4. HOME TIME

Simply the best part of the working day. You’ve been looking forward to this since your alarm went off in the morning. Unless you work in a small office environment, or have to clock in and out like Fred Flintstone, you really have no excuse for not slipping out 15 – 30mins early. You aren’t chicken are you? I thought you wanted some of that free money. Get up and stroll out as if you are supposed to be leaving that early.

Always have someone else to blame (who isn’t around) if you get caught by a superior.

3. SICK PAY

There are several reasons to take ‘sick days’ . . . try not to waste them when you are actually sick. Ever notice how so people turn up to work feeling like crap? Coughing all over the place with red eyes and running noses? It’s because they don’t want to waste their sick days in bed with no one to look after them. Take sick days when you’re feeling well, that way you’ll get paid to recover from a hangover, watch TV and play computer games . . . or even go to an interview for a job that pays more and requires you to work less.

2. HOLIDAY PAY

Quite similar to sick pay, but offers less spontaneity. I have a higher regard for holiday pay because if you’re fortunate enough, you may actually be going on a holiday. Somewhere nice where the inhabitants don’t understand what you’re saying, and you’re never sure if you received the correct change from the shops. Your employer can’t phone you with annoying questions or ask you to come in for a half day. You’ll return to money in your bank, that’s money you earned by enjoying yourself in another country and not thinking or work at all.

1. Turn Up And Do Nothing

As ‘they’ say, it’s the small things in life. The Number One reason to get a job is that you can get paid a days work and do nothing but . . .

Take A Power Naps – Lean back on your chair, close your eyes and catch up on some of the sleep you lost the night before. Alternatively, fold your arms on top of your desk and use it as a rest for your head.

Make Personal Calls – Not only are you costing the company money by not doing your job, you’re also running up their phone bill.

Have A Snack Break – Isn’t it funny how no one will question you if you’re sitting at your desk eating a choc bar. Only a fool would ask you what you’re up to. Totally acceptable in the workplace.

Check Your Emails – If you don’t know how to do this, you really shouldn’t be working in an office environment . . . get yourself a McDonalds application form and learn the value of an hour.

Chat To Your Friends via Instant Messenger – Compare who’s wasted more of the day; make social arrangements; discuss prior arrangements; moan about having a job; send each other cool web links to check out.

Check Out Cool Web Linkshttp://islanderoutlook.blogspot.com/

I’m sure you can think of several other ways to escape working while at work (pretend to go to the toilet), there are loads. If you’re really bored, try and calculate how much of your working day you actually spend working. You might be surprised by how much free money you’re stacking up.

“So it would serve an employee well to get the most amount of payment for the least amount of work.”

- Eugene D. Gibson (An Islander’s Outlook Of The World)

A to the . . .

9 comments:

Dan Mega said...

This is good stuff.

The whole most amount of work for the least amount of pay thing is called "exempt" status for employees. You know, you have to work 40 hours to get 40 hours of pay. But if you work 50, 60, 100 hours? You get paid for 40. Oh and most big companies are finding more and more ways to tag non-union employees with this exempt tag. Crappy world.

Pope Terry said...

Oh yes, your not doing it right if you dont spend at least 20 mins to 30 on the toilet. And whos going to question someone on the can.

Deborah Gamble said...

Remind em never to hire you.

jk

Xymyl said...

It's difficult when you're dealing with creative people, because creative lapses and slumps still have to be paid for by somebody. True creativity can't be forced.

Of course, after you find out that the slump was caused by drugs or that they were just coasting while looking for other work, you gotta cut 'em loose.

Still, those are great tips, I'll try them with my boss (me) and see how things go.

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Oh my, all my worst suspicions have just been confirmed.. I just knew all you lazy sods were up to no good.

Seriously, most folk start out in jobs they hate, unless they're freaky, of course. When you finally become the acredited writer that you are bound to be, then, my dear friend, you are going to work your sweaty big socks off, just see if you don't!

Ak-Man said...

I must stress that I don't actually recommend that you do all of this . . . especially you like or depend on your job.

With that out the way . . .

Dan Mega:
We don't really have a union issue over here. Not a serious one anyway. It's main older companies that deal with manual labour that deal with that union jive.

Pope Terry:
High Five . . . Come on, you have to need to use the toilet to go there.

Deborah G:
I'll double your profits... I'm actually a hard worker when I want to be. It's your job to boost my morale.

xymyl:
How'd you catch out lazy or stoned employees?

Carol:
You're right, I'll buck up when I get a job I enjoy : )

Xymyl said...

How do you catch 'em?

After about a month of paper airplanes and no other work being accomplished, you start to suspect. After another month and no quantifiable quality improvement on the airplanes, it's drugs.

Laziness is similar, but the airplanes are made out of incomplete job application forms.

Maddy said...

Thanks for reminding me why I don't really want a proper job.
cheers

Ak-Man said...

Xymyl:
"Laziness is similar, but the airplanes are made out of incomplete job application forms." - LOL, you had me cracking up with that post!

Maddy:
I must have failed then . . . I was trying to promote "proper jobs".

Some people like the routine and reliability though. Each to their own, and all that cliche jazz. I want to do something I enjoy.