Tuesday, 10 July 2007

Ak-Man’s Guide To Blind Dating . . . Part One


Through some of my rants and bickers you may have got the impression that I am a grumpy old man; this is not the case. I’m a strapping young lad . . . quite the pessimist no doubt, but still young and vibrant. I don’t spend all of my time looking through cynical turd coloured shades, if that was the case I wouldn’t constantly have people trying to hook me up with their associates.

I’ve decided to write up a little guide to blind dating . . . you ask why? Well because it’s highly probable that I’ve been on more blind dates than anyone I know. Everyone and their mother have tried to set me up . . . as if I can’t set myself up.

My track record for blind dates is quite abysmal, but this says more about the people who tried to set me up. They clearly don’t know me at all. For all those interested my ideal woman is Kelly Rowland (Marry Me) . . . yes I have raised my bar that high.



I’ll be breaking it down into two parts:

- Before the date
- During the date

After the date you’ll likely go home with no urge to ever see the person again so I don’t need to write a post about the aftermath do I? Of course there is a chance that you might actually get along and be attracted to each other, but it’s a slim one if that. So the first rule of blind dating is . . .

Don’t get your hopes up . . .
When someone tells you that they want to set you up, don’t get excited. Chill out for a second yeah? Hear them out, nod and agree so you can see what’s up. Let them throw you their best pitch with icing and a cherry on top . . . flogging a friend is like selling a used car. They’ll highlight the good points and act as if there are no bad ones; this is to be expected.

Don’t ask about appearances . . .
You’ll be curious and that’s normal. But if they don’t have a picture to show you then don’t even bother asking. If the blind date has it going on in the looks department your so called friend will bring this up before you even think to enquire. It’ll be like a USP (Unique Selling Point) but keep in mind that attraction isn’t universal so you really do have to meet them if you want to know what’s up.


Try and avoid calling your date before the date . . .
Yes, that includes the most confident and charismatic of us. Remember I’m experienced in this department. Your pal might suggest that the two of you switch numbers before the ‘big day’. Reject the offer and sternly tell them not to give your number to the other party.

If like myself you have an ambiguous personality this move is a RED ALERT. You’ll either generate an adhesive bond or free up space in your calendar. It doesn’t seem like a dumb move at all . . . not until the date is over and you regret using all of your free air time on her . . . Ak-Man knows best.

The right questions to ask . . .
You’re going to want to know if the blind date meets up to your requirements . . . unless you don’t get out much and are desperate. I’m assuming it’s neither so here are some questions that are smarter to ask than ‘What does she look like?’

How do you know him/her?
Please don’t put it past your friends to try and set you up with someone they’ve only known for a New York minute. They might even be trying to set you up with a friend of a friend . . . not a good move if you ask me. In a world full of weirdoes you really have to be extra cautious about how you spend your evenings.

What do they do?
Are they mentally stable enough to hold a good job or acquire some educational certificates? Don’t inquire too much into the individual, you'll want to leave some mystery for the date . . . or have a few questions at the ready for those awkward silences. But once again, if you aren’t desperate try not to end up on a date with Eddie before he Traded Places or America’s Next Top Gold Digger.

Why don’t you go out with them?
If your friend is single and of the same gender as you . . . then . . . well it makes sense to question why they would want to send you on a date with ‘such a nice person’ while they sit at home watching back-to-back episodes of South Park.

Do your stretches and cardiovascular workouts, push for a double date then you’re good to go. You’ve played it hard but fair so far, well done, that was the easy part. . . . Part Two is up next. What to do on the date.

A to the . . .

7 comments:

Dan Mega said...

Also, make sure you completely scope your face for random hairs you missed while shaving. Women notice *everything*. Great post!

Pope Terry said...

theres one thing that really ruins every date... and that is women, as lovely as the are they are completely nuts, so any advice I can get I am greatful for. But why do people think your so lonely they keep setting you up on dates...

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Oh, am I so glad to be out of that market for good! I was a "career" woman, despite being engaged FOUR times, I always managed to wriggle out of the marriage bit up until I was almost 30 (read fear of committment). Still, I'm coming up for our 17th anniversary now, so I guess I was right to wait. But oh boy, did I kiss a lot of ugly frogs along the way..

Joy said...

I love the 'no call' rule. Excellent advice!

Lady_T said...

Hmm great post, I love th pic as well. Never been on a blind date, dont plan on it either and I hate being set up so I always squash it before anyone can even suggest...maybe one day I'll try it...maybe...

Ak-Man said...

Dan - I'll get on to the appearance thing in part two... Thats a good point though, women and their attention to detail.

Pope - I agree Pope, women are indeed nuts. Completely off the wall, ALL of them. Even the sweet cute ones. What a shame.

Aint sure what i can give as far as advice goes, we'll see what I have in store for part two.

Carol - Quite a record you have there. I know a few girls that wanted to marry me until they got to know me LOL. I aint kissin no frogs for my princess.

Joy - That rule shouldn't be taken lightly, I learnt that the hard way.

Lady T - You should try a blind date, it's fun . . . well it can be fun. Just follow my guide and you'll be fine.

david mcmahon said...

Wonderful work all fortnight. BTW, Kelly Rowland wants your number!