Monday, 7 May 2007

I Should Have Been In 300

I’m so serious this time around. 300 is the best film I’ve watched on the big screen this year, and only two things disappoint me about it. Well three things actually, but I don’t want to ruin the film for anyone who hasn’t seen it.

I hadn’t been to the cinema much before 300 was released and therefore saw no trailers of the movie. I didn’t even know the movie existed until I came across a website and some dude was like “yeah man, this is the best kick ass movie of all time”. Or something like that, I forget his exact words but he rated it over Die Hard so I was impressed. Die hard is serious business.

The adverts started appearing on TV and I was in awe . . . this wasn’t the kind of film I wanted to download and watch on a 15 inch laptop screen with the lights out, a bottle of Supermalt and a few bags of corner shop popcorn, nah.

After I watched the film (on the second weekend of its release) I had this urge to fight . . . guys know what I mean, it’s a blood pumping movie. It was quite late though and all the street kids were probably at home putting up stolen items for sale on eBay. The cinema car park was pretty much empty so I just jumped in the car and went home thinking to myself, ‘I should have been in 300.’

What makes me eligible? A few things actually.

Firstly, and most importantly I am the owner of a well maintained six pack. Not many men can boast of this, and if you’ve seen the movie you’ll know that this is a requirement.

Secondly, the 300 soldiers lacked flavour. I think you know what I mean . . . they needed a few black men I their ranks. Wouldn’t have made much of a difference to the outcome, but it would have certainly changed how I felt about the ending . . . can’t say too much of course, some people haven’t seen the film so excuse my vagueness.

I am an excellent wielder of the sword. I once won a fight with the assistance of a cricket bat . . . all’s fair in love and war.

I hope you’re beginning to see my point, I pretty much feel snubbed by the producers and I’m sure the following people do also.

Gennaro Gattuso

If the killer beard isn’t enough to solidify his 300 status, then maybe his bad ass persona does. Gattuso is what I call a ‘professional fouler’; it’s better to play with than against him. In the world of football (soccer) bad boys he is up there with the likes of Roy Keane, Vinnie Jones and Zinadine ‘Don’t talk about my sister’ Zidane. Less talk, more action, always up for a fight.
Prince Harry

This kids desire to go to war is intense. I don’t know what exactly he wants to prove or do out there, but he certainly has the hunger. I recon he’d knock off a few Persians before the Monarchy requested his hasty return home. It’s a shame too, because every man counts.
John Prescott

He is the British MP who punched a guy in the face for throwing an egg on his head . . . nuff said.
Lisa Nowak

Nowak is 100% ‘insane crazy’, an asset for any infantry troop. For those of you who missed the story click here. She taught me that anything worth loving is worth fighting for and can possibly drive you to insanity . . . a constructive insanity which breeds a hazardous and destructive psychosis that’ll scare the crap out of any opposition.

I think you will agree that those of us listed have been greatly ill-treated and our involvement would have intensified the zeal of 300. If a sequel is made, expect to see me in it.

A to the . . .


Sebastien said...

Lisa Nowak, lady is pure craziness. I love that.

I have yet to see 300, I'm not sure it's in theaters anymore... I did see Hot Fuzz the other week, that was quite good.

david mcmahon said...

G'day Ak-Man,

I heard the whisper that you had a guest role in 300 - and that you will definitely be given a more important role in the sequel, slated for Christmas 2008 release.



ozlady said...

I saw 300 and totally rated it as awesome. I'm sure they could have had some support... it was a real rush of a movie and any one with a 6 pack was an asset.

This is coming from a chick who loves action movies for the rush of the action and all the 6-packs that appear in them. Couldn't really appreciate Die Hard to the fullest - not enuff 6-packs.


All the best for the sequel!