‘Thank you for your application…’

Not only are they thanking you for submitting your generic covering letter, they’ve also been dazzled by your embellished CV. Great stuff, but don’t pop the cork just yet, there’s still work to be done. If you’d like to be relieved from the despair of daytime television, Jimmy’s Fried Chicken & Kebab, and conversations with the postman, you’ll really have to nail the interview. Follow these reliable steps and you’ll be nailing jelly to the wall.

ONE. Wear a bowtie – Yes ladies, you too. Nothing says ‘I can get the job done.’ quite like a tuxedo. You weren’t just going to wear the tie were you? That’s the kind of half-baked mentality that will make you ‘unsuccessful on this occasion.’

TWO. A pipe never fails to impress.

THREE. Establish your character with a firm handshake. It’s likely you’ve spent most of your time ‘in between jobs’ putting more hours into the PS3 and bashing all hell out of your bishop than applying for jobs, so try not to crush the interviewers hand.

FOUR. Research the company. Inside information will have employers feeling like you’re part of the team before the interview is up. Who’s sleeping with who? Who got kicked out of the local last Friday? Who used a sick day to get their Christmas shopping done?

FIVE. Put your feet up. Drag a chair over; plant them on the desk, whatever. It’ll make you appear comfortable.

SIX. Smile. Don’t be afraid to show some teeth. A nice smile can put a room at ease, especially if you have the kind of face that found its way into the adoption program.

SEVEN. If you don’t have an iPhone, rent one.

EIGHT. You’re going to want to appear like the hottest prospect since Mylie Cyrus, so get a friend to call you a couple times. ‘Sorry, could you give me a minute? I have to take this.’ Step out of the room, make a show of it, take a few tokes of that pipe.

NINE. They are going to want you ask a few questions of your own. This is a great chance to sell yourself, not the time to ask about the boring stuff you could have Googled. Try something suggestive like, ‘Is there a local gym?’ Flex the biceps a little.

TEN. ‘We are impressed by your visual eccentricities and the past experiences documented on your CV. But could you share with us some of your weaker points?’ Every candidate goes silent at this point. It’s a question you never take the time get your mind around, so when asked all you can think about are the weak points you don’t particularly wish to share. ADD, your disregard for authority, anger management sessions, the real reason you’re unemployed, rehab, your criminal record, the lady under your floorboards, it’s not really your iPhone, etc. Don’t say ANY of these things! Instead, with a face straighter than Ron Burgundy’s say, ‘I don’t have any.’

Now if you don’t get the job after that you may just fancy reassessing what you plan to do with the rest of your life.

A to the . . .

iHustle

Are their any good builders out there? Finding one isn’t as simple as getting good crack in the eighties is it? Damn, they lock up all the drug pushers and let the real cowboys roam the streets. Every time these dusty boot crooks leave my house they get a wad of cash and leave what appears to be a job well done . . . “Cheers Bob, thanks once again.”

. . . that is until you turn the tap and find it’s still leaking, or take a good look at walls and find that the paint job is uneven. My days . . . bet you never see him again . . . “If I ever get my hands on Bob!”

Maybe I should have been a builder . . . I’m not joking.

• You don’t need any qualifications
• You don’t need to apply to any companies
• You don’t even need to actually know how to complete the job you’ve been assigned

All you really need is some dirty overalls, a pair of old boots and a little bit of marketing. You’ve got 66.6% of those things lying around your house. Invest in some tools . . . I’m sure you have some already, but it won’t look too professional if you’re screwing in nails with a table knife.

Another great aspect of this hustle is that all money earned is tax free. If you’re not contracted to an organization you’ll be paid cash in hand . . . which turns into cash in bank. No tax, no National Insurance and the student loans bureaucracy can kiss my asshole! Cheeks spread and all! . . . Excuse me.

When speaking of hustling the drug game is unappealing to me because apposed to the builder’s trade it is too risky and has way too many expenses. In the builders trade customers are charged for additional supplies or equipment. Need some pipes? Your clients have to pay for it. Need some tiles? Your clients have to pay for it. It’s a cost effective hustle. In the drug trade you pay for any additional supplies i.e. scales, utensils, packaging, weaponry, etc.

If you want to sell drugs you need cash up front for your supplier. That’s already investment spending . . . as we business minded folks are aware, no investments are certain. You could splash out on some stock and:

• Get jacked by a rival gang
• Realise that the market is too competitive (you must sell stock at a lower rate)
• Law enforcements could confiscate your narcotics
• You may forget it on the train
• Your girlfriend might smoke it all (bitch)

Far less hazards are met as a builder, but they do of course exist. To maximise your hustle you must stop thinking like a drug pusher who is worried about being shot or arrested and start thinking like a builder. Here a few pointers that should make life a lot easier for you.

One . . .

It’s worth noting that builders don’t ride public transports; it’s not just an image. They need to lug about heavy/large equipment. So get yourself a van or lorry. Don’t worry they’re dirt cheap on the second hand marker. Yes this is an investment spend, but it will pay itself off and can also be used for leisure . . . I’ll pick you up at eight ; )

Two . . .

You’ll need to network with builders who are actually skilled. I’ll tell you why . . . whilst on a job you may be asked to additionally take care of a tricky task which maybe electrical or of the plumbing nature for example. Now instead of blowing a fuse or flooding the ground floor for the extra cash, take on the job and call someone who can actually do it. When the job (you didn’t do) is complete take a share of the profits. Two birds, one stone, simple.

Three . . .

Take into consideration that the builder’s hustle involves a lot more labour than trafficking drugs. So even though you’re not doing the job properly, you’re still going to have to work for your money. The house isn’t going to paint itself now is it? Cut back on time by not applying an undercoat if you’re painting . . . tell the occupants that it’s supposed to look like that until it dries . . . by the time the notice the difference you’re long gone.

Let’s be real . . . do I really need to pull up sources to suggest that more people have been ripped off by builders than by drug distributors? And how many builders get prosecuted each year for crappy jobs? . . . Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Now if you’re nodding along while reading please note that in order to be a dodgy builder you must be more unethical than our salesman of choice (the drugs pusher). As far as business is concerned, drug sellers are more loyal to their customers. This is because their business is set up with some of the basic customer service ideals:

• You want substance abusers to return
• Good business will multiple via word of mouth
• You make yourself readily available (business number)
• You trade at competitive rates
• You don’t want stoners grassing you up to law officials

In order to be a successful dodgy builder, scrap all that sh*t above. Returning customers will try and take you to civil claims courts; word of mouth is will almost always result in slander; you can only be available for fast money jobs; and as for competitive prices . . . never hold on too tightly to a builders quote. It always ends up being a ‘bigger job’ than first predicted.

I hope you’ve learnt a thing or two from today’s economics lesson. There’s a lot of money to be made out there, legally and illegally. Just be careful before you decide which avenue to pursue, make sure to weigh up the pros and cons. You’ll to maximise your revenue and minimise your expenditure . . . simple stuff.

A to the . . .

Ak-Man’s Top 5 Reasons To Get A Job

Who wants some free money?

OK, it’s not totally free, you have to ‘work’ for it . . . well actually, if your fortunate enough, you just have to turn up to work. You don’t even have to arrive there on time.

“Of course profits drive most companies to get the most activity out its employees for the least amount of payment that they can get away with. So it would serve an employee well to get the most amount of payment for the least amount of work. A balance must be struck between employer and employee.”

– Eugene D. Gibson (An Islander’s Outlook Of The World)

If you already have a job, GREAT, you’re halfway there . . . just try not to leave your monitor exposed while you read this. Most of us are being overworked and underpaid, so I’m about to reveal my Top 5 Reasons To Get A Job.

5. LUNCH TIME

Some employees are fortunate enough to get paid for their lunch breaks . . . how great is that? You could almost call it a free lunch . . . almost. Others are not so fortunate but it’s okay. If they give you an hour’s lunch, leave 10mins earlier and come back 10mins later. That’s 20mins of free money. Now sit at your desk and settle down for another 10mins . . . that’s 30mins worth of cash you didn’t ‘work’ for . . . welcome to my world.

4. HOME TIME

Simply the best part of the working day. You’ve been looking forward to this since your alarm went off in the morning. Unless you work in a small office environment, or have to clock in and out like Fred Flintstone, you really have no excuse for not slipping out 15 – 30mins early. You aren’t chicken are you? I thought you wanted some of that free money. Get up and stroll out as if you are supposed to be leaving that early.

Always have someone else to blame (who isn’t around) if you get caught by a superior.

3. SICK PAY

There are several reasons to take ‘sick days’ . . . try not to waste them when you are actually sick. Ever notice how so people turn up to work feeling like crap? Coughing all over the place with red eyes and running noses? It’s because they don’t want to waste their sick days in bed with no one to look after them. Take sick days when you’re feeling well, that way you’ll get paid to recover from a hangover, watch TV and play computer games . . . or even go to an interview for a job that pays more and requires you to work less.

2. HOLIDAY PAY

Quite similar to sick pay, but offers less spontaneity. I have a higher regard for holiday pay because if you’re fortunate enough, you may actually be going on a holiday. Somewhere nice where the inhabitants don’t understand what you’re saying, and you’re never sure if you received the correct change from the shops. Your employer can’t phone you with annoying questions or ask you to come in for a half day. You’ll return to money in your bank, that’s money you earned by enjoying yourself in another country and not thinking or work at all.

1. Turn Up And Do Nothing

As ‘they’ say, it’s the small things in life. The Number One reason to get a job is that you can get paid a days work and do nothing but . . .

Take A Power Naps – Lean back on your chair, close your eyes and catch up on some of the sleep you lost the night before. Alternatively, fold your arms on top of your desk and use it as a rest for your head.

Make Personal Calls – Not only are you costing the company money by not doing your job, you’re also running up their phone bill.

Have A Snack Break – Isn’t it funny how no one will question you if you’re sitting at your desk eating a choc bar. Only a fool would ask you what you’re up to. Totally acceptable in the workplace.

Check Your Emails – If you don’t know how to do this, you really shouldn’t be working in an office environment . . . get yourself a McDonalds application form and learn the value of an hour.

Chat To Your Friends via Instant Messenger – Compare who’s wasted more of the day; make social arrangements; discuss prior arrangements; moan about having a job; send each other cool web links to check out.

Check Out Cool Web Links – http://islanderoutlook.blogspot.com/

I’m sure you can think of several other ways to escape working while at work (pretend to go to the toilet), there are loads. If you’re really bored, try and calculate how much of your working day you actually spend working. You might be surprised by how much free money you’re stacking up.

“So it would serve an employee well to get the most amount of payment for the least amount of work.”

- Eugene D. Gibson (An Islander’s Outlook Of The World)

A to the . . .

Ak-Man’s Guide To Blind Dating . . . Part One

Through some of my rants and bickers you may have got the impression that I am a grumpy old man; this is not the case. I’m a strapping young lad . . . quite the pessimist no doubt, but still young and vibrant. I don’t spend all of my time looking through cynical turd coloured shades, if that was the case I wouldn’t constantly have people trying to hook me up with their associates.

I’ve decided to write up a little guide to blind dating . . . you ask why? Well because it’s highly probable that I’ve been on more blind dates than anyone I know. Everyone and their mother have tried to set me up . . . as if I can’t set myself up.

My track record for blind dates is quite abysmal, but this says more about the people who tried to set me up. They clearly don’t know me at all. For all those interested my ideal woman is Kelly Rowland (Marry Me) . . . yes I have raised my bar that high.

I’ll be breaking it down into two parts:

- Before the date
- During the date

After the date you’ll likely go home with no urge to ever see the person again so I don’t need to write a post about the aftermath do I? Of course there is a chance that you might actually get along and be attracted to each other, but it’s a slim one if that. So the first rule of blind dating is . . .

Don’t get your hopes up . . .
When someone tells you that they want to set you up, don’t get excited. Chill out for a second yeah? Hear them out, nod and agree so you can see what’s up. Let them throw you their best pitch with icing and a cherry on top . . . flogging a friend is like selling a used car. They’ll highlight the good points and act as if there are no bad ones; this is to be expected.

Don’t ask about appearances . . .
You’ll be curious and that’s normal. But if they don’t have a picture to show you then don’t even bother asking. If the blind date has it going on in the looks department your so called friend will bring this up before you even think to enquire. It’ll be like a USP (Unique Selling Point) but keep in mind that attraction isn’t universal so you really do have to meet them if you want to know what’s up.

Try and avoid calling your date before the date . . .
Yes, that includes the most confident and charismatic of us. Remember I’m experienced in this department. Your pal might suggest that the two of you switch numbers before the ‘big day’. Reject the offer and sternly tell them not to give your number to the other party.

If like myself you have an ambiguous personality this move is a RED ALERT. You’ll either generate an adhesive bond or free up space in your calendar. It doesn’t seem like a dumb move at all . . . not until the date is over and you regret using all of your free air time on her . . . Ak-Man knows best.

The right questions to ask . . .
You’re going to want to know if the blind date meets up to your requirements . . . unless you don’t get out much and are desperate. I’m assuming it’s neither so here are some questions that are smarter to ask than ‘What does she look like?’

How do you know him/her?
Please don’t put it past your friends to try and set you up with someone they’ve only known for a New York minute. They might even be trying to set you up with a friend of a friend . . . not a good move if you ask me. In a world full of weirdoes you really have to be extra cautious about how you spend your evenings.

What do they do?
Are they mentally stable enough to hold a good job or acquire some educational certificates? Don’t inquire too much into the individual, you'll want to leave some mystery for the date . . . or have a few questions at the ready for those awkward silences. But once again, if you aren’t desperate try not to end up on a date with Eddie before he Traded Places or America’s Next Top Gold Digger.

Why don’t you go out with them?
If your friend is single and of the same gender as you . . . then . . . well it makes sense to question why they would want to send you on a date with ‘such a nice person’ while they sit at home watching back-to-back episodes of South Park.

Do your stretches and cardiovascular workouts, push for a double date then you’re good to go. You’ve played it hard but fair so far, well done, that was the easy part. . . . Part Two is up next. What to do on the date.

A to the . . .

Writers Block 101

When I walk along the streets little children run up to me and ask how I got so tall. I tell them to eat their vegetables, drink lots milk and stay in school.

When I cycle along the streets teenagers ride up next to me and ask how I got so trim. I tell them to stay on their bikes, do 8 min abs and diamond press-ups.

When I jog along the streets adults run up close to me and ask how I stay looking so young. I tell them that I’m only 22; I’m supposed to look this young.

When I surf the World Wide Web bloggers hound me down and ask how I manage to update my blog with such consistency. I tell them to listen up close, real close, because I’ll only say this once.

(OK, ‘some’ of this never actually happened)

Ak-Man Combats Writers Block

Here are a few tips

One . . .
I’ve always found it easy to bang out a quick post if it includes senseless ranting; this also makes good reading. Loads of things annoy us all, get it off your chest and have a little bit of fun with it. Tell us what kind of celebrities you hate and why you hate them; tell us about the driver who cut you up this morning; remind us that everything you can’t purchase in a 99p store is getting more expensive.

Two . . .
A quick and easy post can be made by just generating a list of things which interest you.
My favourite films which no one else likes
Ten great ways to spend £100
Things that will damage your computer quicker than the internet

Three . . .
When you are in the mood to write, try to write more than one post. This way you’ll end up with a backlog of articles you can post up whenever you please. Just copy, paste and publish. Then get back to work, or back to reading other peoples blogs . . . or whatever it is you all do when you’re online.

Four . . .
OK, I guessing most of us used this tip when we had to rush an essay or two in our time. Grab a chunky ‘quote’ of someone else’s work, paste it in and briefly explain why you ‘stole’ it in the first place. It’s not quite plagiarism is it? Not quite your work either but it fills out a page.

Five . . .
I haven’t used number four yet, and I am also yet to use number five which is pretty much similar. Search YouTube for a newly uploaded video, paste it into you blog with a little bit of info and click on publish. Easy.

I’m sure you all have some other tips and tricks, dish ‘em out. Stop being greedy!

My next post will be Ten Ways To Blow £100 . . . Just to show how easy it is . . . 10 is a lot actually, lets see how many I can get up to.

A to the . . .