‘Thank you for your application…’

Not only are they thanking you for submitting your generic covering letter, they’ve also been dazzled by your embellished CV. Great stuff, but don’t pop the cork just yet, there’s still work to be done. If you’d like to be relieved from the despair of daytime television, Jimmy’s Fried Chicken & Kebab, and conversations with the postman, you’ll really have to nail the interview. Follow these reliable steps and you’ll be nailing jelly to the wall.

ONE. Wear a bowtie – Yes ladies, you too. Nothing says ‘I can get the job done.’ quite like a tuxedo. You weren’t just going to wear the tie were you? That’s the kind of half-baked mentality that will make you ‘unsuccessful on this occasion.’

TWO. A pipe never fails to impress.

THREE. Establish your character with a firm handshake. It’s likely you’ve spent most of your time ‘in between jobs’ putting more hours into the PS3 and bashing all hell out of your bishop than applying for jobs, so try not to crush the interviewers hand.

FOUR. Research the company. Inside information will have employers feeling like you’re part of the team before the interview is up. Who’s sleeping with who? Who got kicked out of the local last Friday? Who used a sick day to get their Christmas shopping done?

FIVE. Put your feet up. Drag a chair over; plant them on the desk, whatever. It’ll make you appear comfortable.

SIX. Smile. Don’t be afraid to show some teeth. A nice smile can put a room at ease, especially if you have the kind of face that found its way into the adoption program.

SEVEN. If you don’t have an iPhone, rent one.

EIGHT. You’re going to want to appear like the hottest prospect since Mylie Cyrus, so get a friend to call you a couple times. ‘Sorry, could you give me a minute? I have to take this.’ Step out of the room, make a show of it, take a few tokes of that pipe.

NINE. They are going to want you ask a few questions of your own. This is a great chance to sell yourself, not the time to ask about the boring stuff you could have Googled. Try something suggestive like, ‘Is there a local gym?’ Flex the biceps a little.

TEN. ‘We are impressed by your visual eccentricities and the past experiences documented on your CV. But could you share with us some of your weaker points?’ Every candidate goes silent at this point. It’s a question you never take the time get your mind around, so when asked all you can think about are the weak points you don’t particularly wish to share. ADD, your disregard for authority, anger management sessions, the real reason you’re unemployed, rehab, your criminal record, the lady under your floorboards, it’s not really your iPhone, etc. Don’t say ANY of these things! Instead, with a face straighter than Ron Burgundy’s say, ‘I don’t have any.’

Now if you don’t get the job after that you may just fancy reassessing what you plan to do with the rest of your life.

A to the . . .

iHustle

Are their any good builders out there? Finding one isn’t as simple as getting good crack in the eighties is it? Damn, they lock up all the drug pushers and let the real cowboys roam the streets. Every time these dusty boot crooks leave my house they get a wad of cash and leave what appears to be a job well done . . . “Cheers Bob, thanks once again.”

. . . that is until you turn the tap and find it’s still leaking, or take a good look at walls and find that the paint job is uneven. My days . . . bet you never see him again . . . “If I ever get my hands on Bob!”

Maybe I should have been a builder . . . I’m not joking.

• You don’t need any qualifications
• You don’t need to apply to any companies
• You don’t even need to actually know how to complete the job you’ve been assigned

All you really need is some dirty overalls, a pair of old boots and a little bit of marketing. You’ve got 66.6% of those things lying around your house. Invest in some tools . . . I’m sure you have some already, but it won’t look too professional if you’re screwing in nails with a table knife.

Another great aspect of this hustle is that all money earned is tax free. If you’re not contracted to an organization you’ll be paid cash in hand . . . which turns into cash in bank. No tax, no National Insurance and the student loans bureaucracy can kiss my asshole! Cheeks spread and all! . . . Excuse me.

When speaking of hustling the drug game is unappealing to me because apposed to the builder’s trade it is too risky and has way too many expenses. In the builders trade customers are charged for additional supplies or equipment. Need some pipes? Your clients have to pay for it. Need some tiles? Your clients have to pay for it. It’s a cost effective hustle. In the drug trade you pay for any additional supplies i.e. scales, utensils, packaging, weaponry, etc.

If you want to sell drugs you need cash up front for your supplier. That’s already investment spending . . . as we business minded folks are aware, no investments are certain. You could splash out on some stock and:

• Get jacked by a rival gang
• Realise that the market is too competitive (you must sell stock at a lower rate)
• Law enforcements could confiscate your narcotics
• You may forget it on the train
• Your girlfriend might smoke it all (bitch)

Far less hazards are met as a builder, but they do of course exist. To maximise your hustle you must stop thinking like a drug pusher who is worried about being shot or arrested and start thinking like a builder. Here a few pointers that should make life a lot easier for you.

One . . .

It’s worth noting that builders don’t ride public transports; it’s not just an image. They need to lug about heavy/large equipment. So get yourself a van or lorry. Don’t worry they’re dirt cheap on the second hand marker. Yes this is an investment spend, but it will pay itself off and can also be used for leisure . . . I’ll pick you up at eight ; )

Two . . .

You’ll need to network with builders who are actually skilled. I’ll tell you why . . . whilst on a job you may be asked to additionally take care of a tricky task which maybe electrical or of the plumbing nature for example. Now instead of blowing a fuse or flooding the ground floor for the extra cash, take on the job and call someone who can actually do it. When the job (you didn’t do) is complete take a share of the profits. Two birds, one stone, simple.

Three . . .

Take into consideration that the builder’s hustle involves a lot more labour than trafficking drugs. So even though you’re not doing the job properly, you’re still going to have to work for your money. The house isn’t going to paint itself now is it? Cut back on time by not applying an undercoat if you’re painting . . . tell the occupants that it’s supposed to look like that until it dries . . . by the time the notice the difference you’re long gone.

Let’s be real . . . do I really need to pull up sources to suggest that more people have been ripped off by builders than by drug distributors? And how many builders get prosecuted each year for crappy jobs? . . . Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Now if you’re nodding along while reading please note that in order to be a dodgy builder you must be more unethical than our salesman of choice (the drugs pusher). As far as business is concerned, drug sellers are more loyal to their customers. This is because their business is set up with some of the basic customer service ideals:

• You want substance abusers to return
• Good business will multiple via word of mouth
• You make yourself readily available (business number)
• You trade at competitive rates
• You don’t want stoners grassing you up to law officials

In order to be a successful dodgy builder, scrap all that sh*t above. Returning customers will try and take you to civil claims courts; word of mouth is will almost always result in slander; you can only be available for fast money jobs; and as for competitive prices . . . never hold on too tightly to a builders quote. It always ends up being a ‘bigger job’ than first predicted.

I hope you’ve learnt a thing or two from today’s economics lesson. There’s a lot of money to be made out there, legally and illegally. Just be careful before you decide which avenue to pursue, make sure to weigh up the pros and cons. You’ll to maximise your revenue and minimise your expenditure . . . simple stuff.

A to the . . .

Writing My Book

In between living and trying to stay alive I’m taking time to put together a masterpiece. I’m working on my book, I’m currently one chapter deep (actually a milestone) and it’s looking like a modern day classic. The first chapter has taken three attempts but I’m happy with it now and I’ve formulated fat chunky chunks of plots and twits in my head. It’s seems that my plan to read several books for inspiration has finally paid off . . . its now plagiarism time! Can I get a High Five on that?

The biggest downer to writing a book is . . . writing it of course! Who has the time and effort for that? It was hard enough coming up with an idea worth getting excited about.

I’ve worked on books in the past . . . I have more ideas than books. And of course I think all of my ideas are potential best sellers. But I have a good feeling about this one. Not that it’ll get published and be a best seller, but I actually think I’ll finish it . . . some time this century. I’ve decided to live past one hundred so it’s not a big deal.

Other than realising the mass of this challenge I’ve also come across a few other contributing factors that may hinder my progress.

Work is the biggest hitter. I always feel like working on my book whist at work . . . then by the time I get home it’s a ‘long ting’, just want to lay back and relax. There are of course the weekends, but weekends aren’t book writing days . . . weekends are actually just Friday nights and Saturdays and I’m 23 . . . even if I don’t end the night with my head pressed against a night bus I’ll find myself glued to the TV watching football . . . and then watching football highlights. So time could be made, but you know . . .

Ugh . . . my dusty laptop is another moral killer. I have to turn it on fifteen minutes before I want to use it. So it makes sense that I don’t shut it down, I always put it on standby. But this tin of tuna decides when it wants to turn off . . . and it gives no warning. Just cuts off. At 10pm, with your alarm set for 6am, you’ll question how much you really desire to get that chapter wrapped up . . . it can wait.

No worries though, I should have a new high spec PC on the way. Wide screen monitor, dual core processor, 300+ GB Memory and some other cool stuff that’ll make it great for watching movies and playing games . . . oh, and writing books as well.

I was easily distracted at school, not too much has changed. But I got good grades, give me a break, I said it’s a masterpiece.

I’m sure I’d make more progress on a typewriter . . . no MSN, Facebook or YouTube to distract me. Just me, my typewriter and a snazzy tip-ex pen . . . box of crayons for the illustrations, one picture every ten pages.

A modern day classic.

A to the . . .

One Step Ahead

In your face b*tch!!!

On the 1st of July 2007 (22:00) Channel 4 aired a show titled ‘Memoirs of a Cigarette’. This was the same day in which the UK enforced its smoking ban.

Channel 4 decided to document the history of smoking in the media . . . how original channel 4, I expected so much more from you. I kind of did this already you b*tches! My three part self documentation called ‘The Autobiography Of A Non-Smoker Who Kind Of Smoked’ . . . ring any bells?

So Channel 4 pretty much stole my innovative dichotomy and reworked it with achieved clips and celebrity appearances. I couldn’t (be bothered to) go through all of that effort when just like Channel 4 I wasn’t really making a solid point . . . I was also just telling a few stories. I guess I could have run a few searches on YouTube and pulled up the funniest clips though; maybe next time.

So finally, as apposed to realising that all my ideas have been done already, I come to find that for once I can claim that someone else has copied me.

And my effort never had lame quotes like:

“John Travolta is a fantastic smoker. When he smokes he just looks so cool” – Some Travolta groupie . . . didn’t catch his name.

A to the . . .

Maybe I Should Start On My Book Now

There isn’t too much holding me back. I have three solid book ideas. One of which I’m sure could definitely be published and win some sort of award . . . heck, I’d be happy if it was short listed. I told a few people one of the plots and was surprised by how excited they were, they not only wanted to read the book, but they typically had their own ideas of how to make it better (I didn’t take their advice of course). After I noticed that it was actually a GREAT plot with a mass of potential I tightened my lips and stopped revealing the idea to people.

Fortunately you can tell a few people your book ideas because even if they wanted to steal it they would have to go through a lot of trouble trying to get it published. I don’t think many people who don’t already have their foot in a publisher’s door have the time for that. So it’s still mine.

Why Haven’t I Started On It Already?

That’s a good question, and one I wouldn’t pose to myself unless I had an answer.
The truth is that I did start on one of my ideas . . . I got half way through the first chapter, re-read it and realised that my writing style left a lot to be desired. You know there is serious problem when you aren’t even impressed by your own writing, why seek a second opinion?

So the plan was to read a lot more books (which I’ve done) and set up a blog site where I could begin to exercise writing techniques and find my individual style (which I’m in the process of).

I don’t think I’m developed enough to write a full novel yet, but what’s the harm in attempting a short novel?

Short Novel

‘They’ recommend that when writing, it makes sense to write about what you know and what you are passionate about. Follow me as I generate a plot off the top of my head.

We’ve got:

- Girls
- Money
- London City
- Football (Soccer B***h)
- Church
- Food

That’s a nice little platform to jump off of . . .

I’ll be the protagonist, we’ll change my name to . . . Andy . . . Andy Thornton. No relation to Randy Orton, but why would there be? Continue . . .

OK, here is what I’ve got . . .

Andy Thornton is a young and successful business entrepreneur, at least that’s what he tells all the ladies. In reality he is a gambling master mind, he knows how to play the odds and gets rich placing strategic bets on football matches. He lives in a luxurious apartment in the heart of London City and is well known across several clubs and bars as a womanising spendaholic.

Everything is about to change direction when he meets the girl of his dreams, Alana . . . A pastors daughter who wants one last bad streak before she hands her life over to Christ.

Andy is about to be sucked into a world he has never experienced before. A world where the numbers don’t add up like they are supposed to . . . place your bets.

Forgive me for the rushed blurb and absent title, but you get the jist right?

Hey . . . I might actually write this though . . . and forget about the food option, can’t squeeze that into the plot.

A to the . . .