Thursday, 16 August 2007

Oh No You Don’t

Let me quickly bang this out before the rage fades.

Two weeks ago I parted with hard cash to watch a film called Transformers . . . you may have heard of it? OF COURSE YOU HAVE! It’s been promoted as one of the biggest blockbusters of the year . . . yeah right. Unsaturated pure garbage! This is why I download and watch so many movies on my laptop . . . free of charge.

I’m a tough film critic, no doubt. But I didn’t expect too much from Transformers. Fight scenes and eye pleasing special affects. The movie had both . . . so why was I sat in front of the big screen getting angrier with each scene?

OK, OK! I admit I was drawn into the movie during the first half an hour. There was a good balance of action and humour, hot shots of the leading lady and feint attempts at generating a storyline. Good stuff so far . . .

Add a poor attempt at a plausible storyline, completely unrealistic stunts and interaction between the Transformers and humans, and a whole bunch of irregularities and you have the formula to making Ak-Man furious!

It was Megan Fox’s Oscar award winning performance that silenced my boos and jeers.


Funny man Sam Witwicky can not only out run a Transformer twenty times his size, with intergalactic technological abilities, but he can also get whacked 30ft onto a car and walk off unharmed, he didn’t even wince in pain, shock maybe? . . . I’m far from believing that.

I watch a scene like that and think, ‘what foolishness!’

Allow me to break down another irregularity I observed. After the first 30mins I was actively looking for them, and had no trouble finding them.


OK, this Transformer called Bumblebee can’t speak English due to a technological malfunction. So he uses the car radio to talk. Yeah it’s as stupid as it sounds. He rapidly switches between radio stations picking out words and phrases to generate sentences that just about understandable, if you care about what he has to say. I could get into why this is also unbelievable but I’ll let it slide because of the bigger picture.

The rest of the Transformers speak mighty fine English for a bunch on immigrants . . . also not a problem. We are told that they learnt to speak English from the internet. I don’t even want to know how they got on online r what they were doing, I’ll let it slide.

OK check this . . . Megatron (bad guy Transformer) also speaks PERFECT English!!! Here is the problem. When he came to Earth over a century ago he crash landed and was frozen in ice. There also wasn’t any internet at the time . . .

. . . Please offer your explanations so that I can tear them to pieces.

This movie is filled with numerous acts of nonsense. It’s hard to miss them unless you slept through the film . . . I almost dozed off a few times but was worried that I’d miss a good shot of Miss Fox.

It pains me greatly that most of the people I know actually enjoyed this film. I’m constantly finding new reason to question friendships. Transformers is a movie created to be enjoyed by children and morons. Take from that what you will.

I wish I writ this as soon as I got home . . . but Arsenal were playing and I had to watch the match. Then almost two weeks worth of ‘stuff’ happened so it almost got overlooked.

Please also note that Transformers literally went missing, couldn’t aim despite their advanced technology, and often changed their scale just to bug me. Daylight switched to night time in a car chase that lasted under a minute, nothing in-between, just bright sunshine, then high night. Captain Lennox skidded his motorbike, slid off it then slid on the road, on his back for twenty meters and used his rocket launcher (which he had in hand the whole time) to take a shot at a Transformer. ‘What foolishness’, then nothing happened, he just ran and hid in a side street. What was the point of that completely unrealistic stunt?

Did any of you guys watch and enjoy this movie? Let me know what you liked about it. Megan Fox and the special effects are both off limits as they were both unarguably great features of the movie. Wait for it to be released on DVD so you can be one of the cool people who don’t own it.

A to the . . .


Pope Terry said...

Me..gan Fo...x over...

Sorry havent seen it yet, want to though, but from what you've said it sounds like it may annoy me, I'm fairly big on films being logical.

Eugene D. Gibson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Eugene D. Gibson said...

I haven't seen the movie yet,not because I don't want to but because I am a cheap bastard.I digress.....I am guessing that the main fans of the Transformers are adults who watched it as kids in the 80's and kids of today.So you have to appeal to both.Keep true as possible for the adults and keep it light enough so that kids can watch.Action figures have to be sold.As for me I am waiting for them to make a serious attempt at G.I. Joe.

Dan Mega said...

I was too distracted by that picture to do anything else. Including reading this blog.

Ak-Man said...

P. Terry - Trust me, IT WILL ANNOY YOU!!! It's not the kind of movie you can just watch and say "well at least is was entertaining" . . . it's hot garbage!

Eugene - I'm a cheapo too, I don't mind paying to see a flick, but all of these crusty movies deter me. It's back to downloading for me. Wasn't ever a bit fan of G.I. Joe, didn't get any REAL toys. But if they get Megan Fox to co-star I'll be there.

Dan Mega - The hammer and the nail.

Catmoves said...

Nope haven't seen it, probably never will (after all, it's made for undeveloped minds).
I have other things to spend my money on. You know, like "member" extension pills, sending money to someone in a foreign country that is going to share gadzillioins with me, and Windows Vista.

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Ha! My eldest daughter is in a shit load of trouble over this film.. The Grand Prix bike races are on this week, and our road is in total shut down during them. She PROMISED she would haul her sorry ass home before the closure. Instead, she shut off her mobile and went with her mates to see this. She's grounded for a week. (Glad to know the film wasn't worth it!!) Thanks, the Ak, you've made my day.. grin.

ladiesman217 said...

oh just to add to the illogical parts of the movie, or the "goofs", in the scene when the car broke down [photo above], bumblebee's hood and shotgun door was left open after miss fox started to walk away. when wilkicky got the car to work again, he shut the hood and took off... but who shut the shotgun door?
also, in the night the "car got stolen", wilkicky witness bumblebee transform so he records it with his videophone, and later when the Sector7 agent gets a hold of his phone, it was just a sound recording. -__-
what happened to the driver of the 09 camaro that bumblebee transferred into? and the old camaro, just kept driving away itself?
other than that, i was surprised blackout didnt kill the black guy[tyrese] after he shot at him and they all survived except everyone on the base, the junkyard dogs didnt jump on sam on a 3foot table, air force one didnt think a boombox on a plane was suspicious, let alone find it walking around after a security clearance, bumblebee's surface didnt get a single scratch after wresting around, and the almighty AllSpark just melted in megatrons bra.

Ak-Man said...

Ladiesman217 - Been a while since I've watched the film now, but I tilt my hat to you. That movie had "rush job" written all over it!