The Late Train

Hate them all you will - and we will - but you've got to give it to London Underground; commuters of the grey cloud city have been handed a mother of a 'late pass'. We freely tap our snooze buttons; take time to prepare our cups of tea; indulge in generous helpings of BBC Breakfast; wait for trains less congested to arrive, and even stop by stores en route for doughnuts and coffee, knowing fully well that if we are late to the office, no real explanation is required.

'Sorry I'm late boss, the trains were a nightmare.'

And they probably were, at some probable time, on one of the probable lines you probably should have been on a lot earlier.

What's so sweet about this setup is that everyone from the new recruit to the office veteran has been screwed-a-plenty by our nation's national treasure of a public transport service – God bless our Queen. The phrase, 'Sorry I'm late boss, the trains were a nightmare.' does not raise alarms of deceit, but instead rings with familiarity.

Pick a card, any card; someone was taken ill on a train, someone was found under a train, or someone has pulled a passenger alarm on a train. You mavericks of unrelenting disturbance, I say thank you on behalf of London City. For on our mornings of gross lethargy and disregard for time, your past endeavours can be recalled promptly to generate an often fabricated nightmare of a journey.

Without taking the gloss off of our heroes in blue, there are two additional saving graces for any late employee:

Firstly, it doesn’t matter how late you arrive at work, as long as a departmental colleague arrives later. If you do happen notice a few absent colleagues, don’t be too hasty to pull your ‘Train Card’ (these lose value with excessive use). Instead, take your seat as if you’re 10 minutes early. You might as well be. The only person who’s actually late is the last to arrive in the office. In fact, even if you arrive 5 minutes early you’re still late if you’re the last to arrive. It’s office law.

The second is more of a desperate manoeuvre than a grace. You’re late, and you know it, but it’s Thursday and you’ve already used two ‘Train Cards’ this week. Unless your travel route makes the news – you’re now desperately praying for a crash or power outage – you’re screwed, and all recent displays of tardiness will be brought to the table. There’s only one thing for it, Krispy Kremes . . . for everyone!

More often than not this could all be avoided by resisting the urge to hit that all too easy snooze button. That snooze button which only serves the purpose of multiplying the number of times you’re angrily woken up in the morning.

But in reality, who really wants to be early for work anyway? The cleaning lady and the milkman, that’s who.

A to the . . .

‘Thank you for your application…’

Not only are they thanking you for submitting your generic covering letter, they’ve also been dazzled by your embellished CV. Great stuff, but don’t pop the cork just yet, there’s still work to be done. If you’d like to be relieved from the despair of daytime television, Jimmy’s Fried Chicken & Kebab, and conversations with the postman, you’ll really have to nail the interview. Follow these reliable steps and you’ll be nailing jelly to the wall.

ONE. Wear a bowtie – Yes ladies, you too. Nothing says ‘I can get the job done.’ quite like a tuxedo. You weren’t just going to wear the tie were you? That’s the kind of half-baked mentality that will make you ‘unsuccessful on this occasion.’

TWO. A pipe never fails to impress.

THREE. Establish your character with a firm handshake. It’s likely you’ve spent most of your time ‘in between jobs’ putting more hours into the PS3 and bashing all hell out of your bishop than applying for jobs, so try not to crush the interviewers hand.

FOUR. Research the company. Inside information will have employers feeling like you’re part of the team before the interview is up. Who’s sleeping with who? Who got kicked out of the local last Friday? Who used a sick day to get their Christmas shopping done?

FIVE. Put your feet up. Drag a chair over; plant them on the desk, whatever. It’ll make you appear comfortable.

SIX. Smile. Don’t be afraid to show some teeth. A nice smile can put a room at ease, especially if you have the kind of face that found its way into the adoption program.

SEVEN. If you don’t have an iPhone, rent one.

EIGHT. You’re going to want to appear like the hottest prospect since Mylie Cyrus, so get a friend to call you a couple times. ‘Sorry, could you give me a minute? I have to take this.’ Step out of the room, make a show of it, take a few tokes of that pipe.

NINE. They are going to want you ask a few questions of your own. This is a great chance to sell yourself, not the time to ask about the boring stuff you could have Googled. Try something suggestive like, ‘Is there a local gym?’ Flex the biceps a little.

TEN. ‘We are impressed by your visual eccentricities and the past experiences documented on your CV. But could you share with us some of your weaker points?’ Every candidate goes silent at this point. It’s a question you never take the time get your mind around, so when asked all you can think about are the weak points you don’t particularly wish to share. ADD, your disregard for authority, anger management sessions, the real reason you’re unemployed, rehab, your criminal record, the lady under your floorboards, it’s not really your iPhone, etc. Don’t say ANY of these things! Instead, with a face straighter than Ron Burgundy’s say, ‘I don’t have any.’

Now if you don’t get the job after that you may just fancy reassessing what you plan to do with the rest of your life.

A to the . . .

The Lunch Hour

Without a doubt the quickest hour of the working day. What to eat? Where to get it? How much to spend? . . . The possibilities are far from endless and as exciting as watching paint dry . . . in a paint pot . . . with 3D glasses.

There are options, limited ones, but options nonetheless.

If your day’s not too busy you’ve probably been weighing up these options from about 09:15 or so. You’ve just finished a bowl of Kellogg’s Special K (or a real breakfast if you’re one of the few people left not on a diet), and you’re staring at a monitor thinking, ‘what should I have for lunch today?’

It’s quite an important decision as it could affect how your afternoon rounds off. How do I feel? What did I have yesterday? Do I need a shit?

There’s always the safe bet, a sandwich. The marvel we know as sliced bread was created solely for this purpose. I can’t help but drool wondering how large sandwiches were before sliced bread was invented. The good old days when a chicken sandwich may have actually contained whole bones! Now you buy it, you open it and then wallow in self-pity. This is what my life has become, sandwiches on the bench in between the high street’s two longest serving crazies as they argue Brown v Cameron.

…worse still if you’ve been to Subway. Then you feel like a kid in a carnival trying to knock down three cans with one ball.

An alternative is the usually cost effective grease box – not as in soliciting, although there are similarities. Junk food, the nation’s favourite mass pastime after X Factor (there aren’t figures to back that up). It’s cheap, bad for you and ready to go. We feel good whilst eating our oil drenched chips and deep fried jumbo sausages, but the comedown is horrendous and it’s so hard to shake off the shame. Society is filled with wannabe health freaks that couldn’t tell a tomato from a pomegranate. ‘Do you know how many calories are in the chips alone?’ Nope, but I’m guessing not as much as your muffin tops.

Payday, lotto winnings (not enough to quit your job) or a colleague’s birthday can set up the best lunch of all. The sit down meal. We’d all love to eat out of the gold plated trough five days a week – and could probably afford to if we walked 14miles instead of taking the train – but it’s just not feasible. So when the opportunity does arise the concern isn’t why we’re eating out, but where we’re eating.

…’Oh, happy birthday by the way.’

As the month draws to an end and funds begin to run low, out comes the Tupperware. As sure an indicator of poverty as putting £5 worth of fuel in your car . . . and paying with coins . . . lots and lots of coins. Of course some people purposely cook for lunch, their meals contain meat, veg and some sort of side – it’s balanced. However, it’s most likely the dregs of last nights’ meal crammed into a plastic pack and your granary roll isn’t fooling anyone. Once done with the microwave are you greeted with, ‘Hmmm, that smells delicious’ or ‘Erm, that smells in-ter-res-ting?’

Seeing as you can (and most people do) spend most of the day eating at your desk anyway, it’s unlikely that the appeal of the lunch hour is food. We are of course at times hungry enough to eat a horse, though rarely given the opportunity to test the theory. The appeal of the lunch hour is knowing that for at least 60 minutes you’re free from the hassles of your job that make you wonder why you don’t just turn the alarm off each morning and stay in bed instead of pressing snooze. What’s a snooze really, other than a soon be reason as to why you were late and will as a result work through your lunch break?

A to the . . .

Rush Hour(s)

Just when you thought that no one else could possible fit in the train, ten more people push and squeeze in.

When the train pulls into another station (one stop closer to work) you see a crowd of people, and you’ll question how many of them will get onto the train . . . then answer is ALL OF THEM. Apart from the ‘particulars’ everyone has places go . . . or places they should already be.

The bright side is knowing that eventually your stop will come. If you’re quick and strong enough, you’ll be able to get off the train before the doors close and move on.

Is it really that bad?

. . . Most days, yes.

Does it bother me?

. . . Most days, no.

A to the . . .

The D.H. Routine

Some time ago I was in a bar with a few friends and we got chatting to some ladies. The ladies grouped up after a while and went to the toilet together (as they do). While they were gone one of my friends taps me and says, “What are you talking to that girl about? I can’t think of anything to say.”

I just laughed and shrugged my shoulders. The truth was that I wasn’t too interested in the girl and I was basically chatting sh*t. The girl was laughing at my jokes and falling for my corny lines. I wouldn’t say I’m the smoothes cat out there, but I know how to keep a girl interested. One of these ways is my self developed D.H. Routine.

What is it?
It’s simply a routine I developed for getting a girls attention.



Background
I openly admit to watching Desperate Housewives, it’s a great show and I’ve seen every episode. It has an attractive cast of ladies (Eva Longoria), black/dark comedy, enticing drama and it is extremely well directed. Seriously, you need to check out the framing, scene switches, motion camera work and creative angled shots.

Expectedly I catch a little bit of heat when I tell people that I watch this show as it is supposedly for girls. Instead of trying to convince unacquainted people otherwise, I decided to put my energy into something more rewarding . . . getting digits.

I’m Giving It Away
I wouldn’t really class myself as selfish, self-centred maybe, but not selfish. I want to share my routine with some of you guys out there. It’s just to give you a little bit more artillery when you’re called for duty. This is not my most creative, diverse or charming routine, but it works effectively and is a great ice breaker with a get out clause.

Disclaimer
This clearly doesn’t guarantee you anything. If you don’t have enough game you don’t have enough game. No routines, chat-up lines or fancy suits will save you.

So With That Out Of The Way . . .

Step 1 – Select a Lady
You’re in a bar with some friends and you spot a tasty looking lady. She’s with some friends and it looks like she’s is having a smashing time. You don’t want to stroll over, disturb their fun conversation and look like a jerk . . . no, that’s the easiest way to ‘see what you can do with o2.’

Step 2 – The Approach
Now you don’t want to directly approach your lady of choice or she’ll instinctively get defensive, you want to approach the group. You want to appear slightly ambiguous, but certainly harmless. If you’re using this routine, you may also want to appear like a fun loving guy. Open up the group, “Excuse me. Can I get your opinion on something please?”

Step 3 – Run The Routine
You’re ideally with a friend at this point, one who is willing to play along with the routine.

“Do any of you watch the show Desperate Housewives?”
It doesn’t matter if they have or they haven’t watched the show, they should have heard of it and at least be a little bit curious as to where you’re going with this.

“My friend here is taking shots at me because I watch it. He is trying to say that the show is just for girls and that I’m gay because I watch it. What do you all think?”
They’ll chat some sh*t and confer with each other. Don’t pay too much attention to what they are saying; just try to gauge how interested they are in what you’re saying.

Now you want to get your feet wet with the girl you have your eye on. But you still don’t want it to appear as if you are working game on her or she’s going to act ‘long’. Throw one or two questions at are her friends and try to get them laughing first. Then turn to the girl you’re interested in and ask “If you were chilling at a guys house and he urgently wanted to watch Desperate Housewives, what would you think?”

If she gives an uninterested response you might want to retreat (like a coward), but if she’s all smiles and gives a detailed response then its game on. Joke around with the group a little bit, but keep your focus on her. If your friend isn’t a waste of space he’ll also be keeping the group engaged leaving you with ample opportunity to start working solely on your girl of choice.

Step 4 – You’re On Your Own
I’m sure you all have your own unique ways of working game, no further steps are required, just do your thing. If the girl seems interested do your thing. If she doesn’t seem interested, do your thing. If she seems cold and is unresponsive you might want to fall back on this one and pursue an alternative.

Before You Ask
Yes I have used this routine on girls, and yes it was with positive results (not always though).

Credit: This post was highly influenced by Neil Strauss’ book titled The Game. I recommend it for both guys and girls. It’s entertaining, insightful and exceptionally amusing.



Now lads, go and get you some digits!

A to the . . .