Incompatible

She told me she loves flowers, how sweet.

I bought her chocolates just so I could have some.

So selfish I know, but who eats flowers?

Continuously hinting about the new Italian restaurant,

I told her to wave as we passed by.

Chinese it is again,

Who can say no to a buffet?

Apparently pink would look ‘delicious’ on me.

I don’t want to look delicious.

She looks delicious,

And that’s about the only thing she does well.

She’s late for everything! ARGH!!!

I wanted to see the beginning of the movie,

Now the rest won’t make sense.

And why does she get to hold the popcorn I paid for?

Can we at least go back to your place?

My house is always packed.

Cool…

But she can’t cook.

Chinese it is again?

Even I can get sick of that.

I’ll take her to that nice Italian restaurant,

Sweeten her up with flowers.

I’ll even wear the pink shirt she bought me.

Another glass for the lady.

You always get your way.

I think we should just be friends.

A to the . . .

The Fake Summer Of 2007 . . . Part Two

The weather is picking up (not today though) slightly and I’m gripping ever so tightly on hope. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to cruise Oxford Street this summer with no intention whatsoever to shop. It really isn’t much of a summer without the sun.

Girls don’t look the same. Their faces exhibit a scowl that says ‘Don’t even think about it.’ They’re all covered up also . . . I don’t mean to sound like a perve, but isn’t that one of the perks of summer? Rear ending drivers because you’re not watching the road; jumping off a bus at random stops to chase a girl down the street for her number; starring at breasts with you shades on while you ask of her age, and where she lives. Then calling her up that same night because you know she has five other guys trying to ‘link’ her . . . got to scrap the three day rule.

The rain is pouring as I type this. Heavy shower . . . perfect conditions for jet skiing, high diving or surfing. It’s a shame I’m into none of the above or I’d be outside now in my trunks having the time of my life . . . don’t worry about the thunder and lightening.

I’m in desperate need of a heat wave! At least one so that I can get a fresh trim, drop two-hundred press-ups, iron a fresh white t-shirt, bring the white on white trainers out the box and stroll aimlessly along the city’s central (Zinger Tower Burger in hand) looking for ways get myself in trouble.

My highlight of this summer is my trip to Texas. What a great way to kick off the summer. Crazy heat, and not a single cloud in the sky for seven days (ok, there was one rain storm). A wedding, two parties, shopping for about four days, more food than I could meet, family times and I made a bunch of buddies.

So I got off the pane at Heathrow on what would now seem like an out of place sunny day. Didn’t want to be back, but the sun came with me, ‘Let’s rock and roll.’

. . . Well you know how that story goes : (

Don’t need the sun to have fun but it helps, and provides a few more options and far less female scowls!

A to the . . .

I'll Pick You Up At 8

It’s easy to find single people, that’s never a problem. Finding someone compatible . . . now that’s where things get a little bit tricky. There’s always going to be something you don’t like about a prospective partner.

She smokes
She is too clingy
She is a gold digger
My friend(s) ‘banged’ her before
Only Tyra can pull of that forehead
Her husband will disapprove
She did hard time
My mum won’t like her

The list goes on . . . and on . . . and on unfortunately. You have a little bit of fun, find any old excuse to break up, and then go your separate ways.

Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

After playing the ‘game’ for some time it begins to lose its gloss, its appeal, its allure. You tell yourself ‘I want more, I want something serious.’ But where do I look? Which rock have you left unturned, which channel have you not pursued? It would appear that you have exhausted every avenue.

You’ve met people in bars and clubs, supermarkets, train stations, through education and sometimes the issue has been work related. Friends have set you up, this includes blind dates, and you’ve also hooked up with your friends. After all, it worked for Monica and Chandler. Your mum has brought somebody home and left the two of you to ‘hang out’ while she conveniently pops out for something. You’ve signed up to face-pic, pic-face, hi5, 5hi, MySpace, Friends Reunited, Uboot and so much more!

If you haven’t been on one of MTV’s dating shows as of yet, not only are you missing out on the experience of a lifetime, but your true love is possibly one show away.

I’m going to give all you singletons out there the heads up; I’ve whittled it down to three of the hottest shows!


1. Date My Mom
Allow me to give you the rundown.
One man dates three mothers. After the three dates he must pick one of the daughters to date based on the impression he gets from her mum. Good fun ey?

This is the show you go on if you’re looking for wifey. I wouldn’t suggest that you go on Date My Mom unless you’re “serious, serious”. Personally, I’ve vowed to never introduce my mum to a girl I’ve coupled up with unless it’s serious, serious. So I have no desire to date your mum unless I’m looking for an instant wifey.

The show’s appeal rests in its mystery. You don’t get to see the girl you’ve selected until the end of all three dates. Most guys will ask the mums what their daughters look like; this is a rookie mistake. Most mothers reply generically . . . Brittany Spears, Beyonce, J Lo, etc. I recommend that since you can’t see the daughter, you should spend your time finding out what she is like and if she is what you’re looking for. Yes, I know I take this too seriously but I’m here to save lives!

At the end of the day you hopefully go home with the treasure and not the trash. On one particular show a young man left with the talking trash (something like Oscar the grouch from Sesame St.), Oscar the grouch asked the young man when he’ll take her out for the date and he replied . . . “I’ll text message you.” If that isn’t a burn then Pro Evolution Soccer never changed my life in 2003.

2. Next

The Rundown.
You’re given the privilege of dating up to five individuals in one day. You date them one at a time and if you’re not feeling them you just say “Next”, and can move on to another option. You pretty much have five shots at finding a sweetheart. However, for every minute they stay on the date they earn a dollar. If you decide that you want to take the person on a second date they can either agree, or keep the money they have earned. The show ends at this point whether they agree to a second date or not. So Mr. Lucky might not date all five girls.

Ugh . . . so much more complicated than Date My Mom.

So why go on Next? Well, option is a beautiful thing. You can evaluate physical appeal, personality and compatibility in a matter of minutes, or in some cases seconds. Don’t like the menu . . . “Next”

The only downsides to this show are that you may get a weak selection of girls (or guys), or the girl you’re feeling might no be feeling you and she’ll leave with the cash . . . not so lucky now are you?

In spite of minor technicalities I’d love to go on Next . . .

A Nigerian girl
An ‘alternative’ girl
A nerdy girl
A bitch
A Nigerian girl


3. Dismissed
MTV’s legendary dating show . . . and also my personal favourite.

The Rundown.
If you don’t know about Dismissed then it’s highly likely that you just aren’t ready for it either. One guy, two girls, and two dates at the same time; at the end you dismiss one of your dates . . . oh it’s on!

So I sit back and let two girls fight, squabble and bitch at each other to win my affection. Girls have fought for me in the past, and competed for my adoration. This is pretty much the opposite of a humbling experience.

OK, so it’s only two girls and not five, not great odds to be honest, but if you get two good options then it’s quite likely that you’ll enjoy Dismissed more than anything you’ve experienced prior.

Each girl also gets a Time-Out card. This entitles her to 20 minutes of alone time with you (and the production crew of course). It is these time-outs that are likely to sway your decision, as the girl will stop competing and show you what she is all about. Some individuals use this as a chance to engage in deep and meaningful conversation; others ‘wisely’ use it to kiss-and-grope.

Apart from more women on the date, what else can you ask for?

So log off of your computers all you ‘digital pimps’, and stop spending all of your money in night clubs quenching the thirst of gold digging’ ho’s!
“What’chu drinking darling?”
Stop asking all your friends to ‘hook a brotha up’ and please, oh please, stop following all the hunnies to church!

P.S. All of you shy guys who struggle to approach girls might want to disregard the above shows and look toward something more elementary like Wanna Come In.

A to the . . .

The D.H. Routine

Some time ago I was in a bar with a few friends and we got chatting to some ladies. The ladies grouped up after a while and went to the toilet together (as they do). While they were gone one of my friends taps me and says, “What are you talking to that girl about? I can’t think of anything to say.”

I just laughed and shrugged my shoulders. The truth was that I wasn’t too interested in the girl and I was basically chatting sh*t. The girl was laughing at my jokes and falling for my corny lines. I wouldn’t say I’m the smoothes cat out there, but I know how to keep a girl interested. One of these ways is my self developed D.H. Routine.

What is it?
It’s simply a routine I developed for getting a girls attention.



Background
I openly admit to watching Desperate Housewives, it’s a great show and I’ve seen every episode. It has an attractive cast of ladies (Eva Longoria), black/dark comedy, enticing drama and it is extremely well directed. Seriously, you need to check out the framing, scene switches, motion camera work and creative angled shots.

Expectedly I catch a little bit of heat when I tell people that I watch this show as it is supposedly for girls. Instead of trying to convince unacquainted people otherwise, I decided to put my energy into something more rewarding . . . getting digits.

I’m Giving It Away
I wouldn’t really class myself as selfish, self-centred maybe, but not selfish. I want to share my routine with some of you guys out there. It’s just to give you a little bit more artillery when you’re called for duty. This is not my most creative, diverse or charming routine, but it works effectively and is a great ice breaker with a get out clause.

Disclaimer
This clearly doesn’t guarantee you anything. If you don’t have enough game you don’t have enough game. No routines, chat-up lines or fancy suits will save you.

So With That Out Of The Way . . .

Step 1 – Select a Lady
You’re in a bar with some friends and you spot a tasty looking lady. She’s with some friends and it looks like she’s is having a smashing time. You don’t want to stroll over, disturb their fun conversation and look like a jerk . . . no, that’s the easiest way to ‘see what you can do with o2.’

Step 2 – The Approach
Now you don’t want to directly approach your lady of choice or she’ll instinctively get defensive, you want to approach the group. You want to appear slightly ambiguous, but certainly harmless. If you’re using this routine, you may also want to appear like a fun loving guy. Open up the group, “Excuse me. Can I get your opinion on something please?”

Step 3 – Run The Routine
You’re ideally with a friend at this point, one who is willing to play along with the routine.

“Do any of you watch the show Desperate Housewives?”
It doesn’t matter if they have or they haven’t watched the show, they should have heard of it and at least be a little bit curious as to where you’re going with this.

“My friend here is taking shots at me because I watch it. He is trying to say that the show is just for girls and that I’m gay because I watch it. What do you all think?”
They’ll chat some sh*t and confer with each other. Don’t pay too much attention to what they are saying; just try to gauge how interested they are in what you’re saying.

Now you want to get your feet wet with the girl you have your eye on. But you still don’t want it to appear as if you are working game on her or she’s going to act ‘long’. Throw one or two questions at are her friends and try to get them laughing first. Then turn to the girl you’re interested in and ask “If you were chilling at a guys house and he urgently wanted to watch Desperate Housewives, what would you think?”

If she gives an uninterested response you might want to retreat (like a coward), but if she’s all smiles and gives a detailed response then its game on. Joke around with the group a little bit, but keep your focus on her. If your friend isn’t a waste of space he’ll also be keeping the group engaged leaving you with ample opportunity to start working solely on your girl of choice.

Step 4 – You’re On Your Own
I’m sure you all have your own unique ways of working game, no further steps are required, just do your thing. If the girl seems interested do your thing. If she doesn’t seem interested, do your thing. If she seems cold and is unresponsive you might want to fall back on this one and pursue an alternative.

Before You Ask
Yes I have used this routine on girls, and yes it was with positive results (not always though).

Credit: This post was highly influenced by Neil Strauss’ book titled The Game. I recommend it for both guys and girls. It’s entertaining, insightful and exceptionally amusing.



Now lads, go and get you some digits!

A to the . . .