I Should Have Been In Shrek The Third

OK, OK . . . I know I made bunch of noise for not being considered for a role in the blockbuster 300 (I Should Have Been In 300) , but this surely a greater travesty!

Shrek The Third? Great film, I won’t dispute that at all, they had me cracking up throughout . . . the ending was a bit cheesy but that’s to be expected right? The humour was varied and at times surprisingly intelligent. I knew a few jokes were only for potential MENSA applicants when I was the only person in the cinema laughing.

So what’s my problem with Shrek The Third?

I’ll blooming tell you!

A bunch of washed up and faded bad guys! That was the problem. I hope I’m not the only person who thinks that Shrek got off a little easy? Trust me, if I was Prince Charming I would have put together a stronger brigade of bad ass villains! And what’s the deal with Captain Hook . . . he’s from Never Never Land right? Not Far Far Away . . . disgusting, but we won’t get into that.

I should have played Prince Charmin . . . I can relate to his anguish. Let us not forget that Prince Charmin, like my self used to be a good guy. But sadly everything was taken from him and he ended up at the bottom of the pile . . . a laughing stock (not me, Prince Charmin) . . . it’s a cold world kid. And didn’t his mother die is Shrek 2? He had good reasons to flip over to the dark side. If I was him, it would be serious beef! Forget the fairy tale villains; I’ll be bringing out the big guns! You want washed up bad guys? . . . And wholesome family fun?

Presenting to you first Mumrah . . .

This guy along could probably wipe the floor with the whole of Far Far Away. Sworn enemy to the ThunderCats, Mumrah was always ‘oh so close’. I’m not sure of what exactly it was he wanted to achieve (most likely world domination) but those ThunderCats frustrated the hell out of him. He’ll be my right hand man . . . he can do crazy stuff with lightning, that’ll come in handy. He sleeps a hell of a lot though, that might be a problem.

Next in line is Shredder . . .

Highly skilled in hand to hand combat and also used to taking orders. Shredder is what I’d call an advanced foot soldier; he likes to roll up his sleeves and get involved with the dirty work. And give him some credit people; he had to work alongside those two morons Bebop and Rocksteady. The turtles should be ashamed, they occasionally scuffed him four and one and he came out looking pretty good most days.

OK, maybe I’m making this a little unfair on Shrek but next up is Skeletor . . .

Oh, you thought He-Man (no relation) was a tough guy? Skeletor made sure He-Man had no days off. He commanded his own army and was an excellent swordsman . . . it was more like a long perilous stick that he wielded but swordsman sounds more impressive on a CV. He was in great shape for a ‘man’ who many thought was made of bones (his name and face does give that impression), check out the triceps; you have to do specific workouts to get those.

I don’t think we are in need of anymore man power so last and probably least is Eric Cartman . . .

His heartless and self-centred characteristics make him the South Park front man. You can see him in the picture above liking tears of off Scott Tenorman's face; why would he do that? Well Cartman had the kids parents killed, swiped their bodies and made a chilli out of them . . . he then tricked Scott into eating his own parents. Cartman will head the torture and interrogations departments. He’ll also be my constant supply of wisecracks; the other guys don’t really look like a fun bunch.

I’m not actually sure if this will remain as a comedic family film. I don’t even think the good guys will win! Who’s going to step to us? Puss In Boots and Donkey? They’ll most likely be the ingredients to our celebratory meal. Can anyone say chilli?

You know I should have been in Shrek The Third!

A to the . . .