Wednesday, 14 March 2007

Mr. Know It All

Nobody likes a smart-ass right? Well surely they’d prefer that to a dumbass . . .

Some people receive (junk) emails and nod in agreement when the obvious is questioned. Or they gasp in amazement when the unbelievable is presented as truth (conspiracy theories and photoshopped images). I however frown at my intelligence being offended by stupid questions which require very little thought if any.

I have an answer for almost everything, even it’s just an opinion or its just plain wrong. If I genuinely don’t know I’ll admit to that (eventually) and ask for the answer, there’s no shame in that. But if someone asks you ‘some’ of the following questions and you scratch your head in thought . . . well then lets just hope you're better looking than they are.

When you're driving and looking for an address why do you turn down the volume on the radio?
This is the kind of question annoying passengers ask when you’re lost and they are listening to one of their favorite songs. “Hey, why are you turning it down? I was listening to that!” Tell them to buy an mp3 player and start riding the bus! It’s a lot easier to concentrate without a passenger and the Red Hot Chili Peppers singing a duet about Cali . . . again. “Put my Nas CD back in the player. I’ll start listening to the Chili Peppers when they start making sense.”

Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
This really isn’t as smart as it sounds. If everything built was called a ‘built’ . . . ? Well hopefully you can foresee the problem with that.

Do fish sleep?
Yes, why wouldn’t they?
Oh I get it, you want to see a fish sleeping so you can tap on the glass and wake it up, then send it swimming (in fear) to the other side of the tank . . . where you’ll be waiting with a big grin on your face ready to send it right back.

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
This question isn’t too stupid I must admit. It’s something I also do, maybe out of habit, maybe out of hope, but most likely our of laziness. Remote control batteries should easily last the best part of a year, and this goes for clock batteries also. A clock can stay broken for a few days in my house before someone takes a battery out of the remote control to fix it. Then someone takes the batteries out of someone’s unattended CD player to fix the remote, and the CD player’s owner gets new batteries for their CD player. It’s ‘The Lion King’ all over again.

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
OK, this is the God Vs. The Evolution Theory question all over again.
I didn’t come from a monkey, and no scientist can prove that I did. I just had to get that out of the way.
Monkeys (yes I know there is a difference between monkeys and apes) may be the closest animals to the human race, but they are not human, and humans are not monkeys. There are some humans who act like monkeys, and vice versa of course, but I’m yet to see a monkey driving a car (manual/stick shift) or a human casually jump from one tree to another, banana in hand. People did not evolve from apes; at best we evolved from dumb humans . . . some of us anyway.

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
This question isn’t stupid, it’s just funny!
Like the remote control question it’s funny because it true. I do this also. It’s a matter of hope; you hope that you’ll see something you missed on previous visits. You hope someone may have slipped some food into the fridge between then and now. You hope that an ingenious idea will pop into your head and you’ll be able to make a meal out of butter, ketchup and lettuce. You hope, and then you open the fridge, and then you . . . start looking through cupboards also because you spend 15% of your wages on takeaway and the shops owners know you on a first name basis.

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Because you’re clumsy.
It just took you three hours of online browsing to find a recipe that consists of butter, ketchup and lettuce; you aren’t quite ready to watch your only meal of the day fall all over the floor are you? So yeah, your lunge to save the plate is quite exaggerated, but you caught it with ‘monkey like’ like athleticism at the expense of your remote control. Meh . . . it wasn’t working properly anyway.

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
That’s so smart . . . NOT! Asking this question also puts you in the dumb position of assuming that money does in fact grow on trees.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Did you order a pizza or a round ‘box’?
For someone with no food in their fridge you should just be happy that you have pizza. The pizza boxes are flat packed like beds from IKEA. If they were made round then this would make things a lot more difficult and expensive for the 'box' producers and consumers. Expect a rise in pizza prices.
Oddly enough a square box is more practical because the corners make the pizza slices easier to access.

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Because they slept like a baby, they never woke up crying like one.
When babies sleep it’s VERY hard to wake them up. You can take them out of the baby seat in the car, and into their bed at home without them making a noise. If fact, you can make as much noise as you want, babies are deep sleepers.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Pardon?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings & then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
The world looks a lot different up there, and you can see things that you cant down here. The binoculars help you to see things a lot clearer, if you were as smart as you like to think you are you may have brought your own pair up with you.

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Well it depends why you went to the doc in the first place. If you have a cold and end up naked in a doctor’s office then shame on you. It’s an issue of politeness, we all value our privacy. Plus getting undressed in front of someone makes it seem like a show and I aint dancing for prescription drugs.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
OK, this is a sensible question; a light for the freezer would be beneficial. If your have a common fridge-freezer you may notice that the freezer has no light but the fridge does. Freezers and fridges are designed differently, if you put a light in the freezer you wouldn’t be able to see much at all because of the way the compartments are layered, thus making the light pointless.
Next time, just turn on the kitchen light.

Can blind people see their dreams?
Ask a blind person.

Why does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Now you’re just being annoying.

A to the . . .

8 comments:

People in the Sun said...

Here's what I do: I press the remote control button once. If that doesn't work I press it again, this time aiming better. Then again, slightly moving my arm up and down as I press.

Then, and that's the most important part, I gently roll my fingers on the batteries. That always works!

Here's another question: What's green on the outside, yellow on the inside, has ten eyes and fourteen legs, and eats bicycles?

Answer: A monster.

copper stiletto said...

Excellent Post! I laughed the entire time. Mostly because I have heard most of these actually asked, with seriousness, before.

Oh and isn't it great that I didn't have to pay for plane tickets to have my problem eliminated? I cant wait to move on to my new office!

copper stiletto said...

Oh yea, I nominated your blog for Ausiejourno's Weekly top 20!

I was 9th last week.

Good luck

Copper

david mcmahon said...

G'day from Australia,

Copper Stiletto nominated your blog for Aussiejourno's Weekly Blog Awards and I must say I've thoroughly enjoyed the recommendation.

Nice site. I like your attitude. I like the angle at which you approach your prose.

For a blog (like most) that is skewed towards words rather than images, you are very readable.

It would be nice to see a bit more attention paid to images. Don't be backward in letting an image dominate a post. Judge the perspective and let the image present the words, not vice versa - if you know what I mean.

This is a suggestion, NOT criticism - the ``danger of death'' pic is so arresting that I would be happy to see it used bigger. Same position, exactly where you have placed it, but bigger. Increase its width and height by 50 per cent and you'll see what I mean.

Feel free to buzz me for info at any time, directly on my blog at http://david-mcmahon.blogspot.com/ as I'm always happy to help.

Cheers and don't forget to check if you've made it to Aussiejourno's Weekly Blog Awards in just over 24 hours.

Good luck, mate, you're doing it well.

It was a pleasure

David aka aussiejourno

Sebastien said...

Did you know that fridges are monsters, and sometimes they regurgitate new food products and that's why we must go back to the fridge and check every once in a while... And sometimes the reverse happens, sometimes the fridge eats our food, stupid fridge...

We really should just store our food underground, fridges are too tempermental.

Jenera Healy said...

THanks for visiting my site! I appreciated the comment.

I love your site and especially this post. Totally cracked me up because I have heard the same questions. I liked your viewpoint on all of them.

I will definitely add you to my list of favorite blogs and I will check back often.

Thanks again!
Jenera

Deb said...

I always liked....
How does the snow plow person get to work in the morning?

Why do they sterilize the needle for a lethal injection?

Love your site, congrats on the Aussie this week - much deserved.

Deb

Dentist Down Under said...

LOL that was funny. I also like:

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why do ppl keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum cleaner one more chance?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?