Can Boyz And Gurls Be Just Friends? Part 2

The second part is among us, ready to be picked apart. Ladies were heard first in part one, so I now hand over to Tolu who has generated an interesting case study for us to ponder on.

“Yo Tolu, Can girls and boys be just friends?”

Tolu writes: Wow! To be honest I would have to say an affirmative NO. Note, “Boyz and Gurls” is the title we are giving (ages 12-30).

CASESTUDY

Arry is 18 years old, a chronic bishop basher just like his peers; his ‘friend’ Sally is 17 years old and attends the same school. Arry acts like any good friend would, he caters to Sally, listens to her boy-trouble and troubles at home. How sweet a boy Arry is INNIT? Wrong! Think about it critically. As far as the boys are concerned they have already clocked what the deal is. For the ladies let me spell it out ………………. Any fellow who is that nice is being a ‘good friend’ however he is also hoping for that something extra. He has an ulterior motive.

Please do not say I am immature, but instead let us be truthful with each other. There is no need to cajole ourselves. There is always a sort of attraction between attractive friends of the opposite sex.

The moral of the story is this. Arry and Sally might just be friends, but I can categorically assure you, in fact I can bet my house on it, if the opportunity arises for Arry to ‘tap that ass’ or at least ‘lick some breastisis’, I assure you that Harry would grab the chance like a starving Somali who got tossed a box of Kentucky fried Chicken.

Anyway, maybe I’m just too cynical. It may be that boys and girls can just be friends. It is a healthy thing to have a physical attraction for your friends of the opposite sex, even if you do not wish to take further steps romantically.

Tolu#10

Ak-Man: Interesting argument, direct and informative. Tolu has focused on an appealing area of this debate. Boys do catch a lot of heat regarding this issue because we are the aggressors; in most cases we are the ones likely to jeopardise a ‘friendship’.

Charlotte steps up next with more edifying conclusions.

Charlotte writes: “To have a good friend is the purest of all Gods gifts, for it is a love that has no exchange of payments.” - Frances Farmer

May I make myself clear from the outset I am not a hypocrite – some of my closest and most loyal friends, who never fail to let me know where I stand – are in fact male (much love n respect to all you man). However I have never denied that one party will be more attracted to the other - than possibly the other is. It is human nature to be attracted to the opposite sex (ok so if your friend of the opposite sex is gay or lesbian maybe this argument is not relevant – for the rest of us…)

Let’s not kid ourselves we are all judgemental whether you label it so or call it preference – we do it! First we may judge by a persons shoe’s, then maybe by the company they keep, but after getting to know someone & building a friendship with them we are likely to judge them by their hearts. Here is where the respect comes in; a companionship has been built and trust with it, and so the idea of taking it further would not be one taken lightly. Maybe you give it a go it doesn’t work and you remain friends, or maybe you just decide to not pursue it, or maybe it is not a mutual attraction – which ever it is, if you’re completely honest with yourself I’m sure at least one of these scenarios applies to you or has crossed your mind at some stage.

At this point I would like to add that a group of friends of mixed gender seems to be a more realistic approach to boys & girls being just friends. For example I look at my brother (32) whose friends are a diverse mix of culture and of both genders – they have been together for as long as I can remember since I was just a little girl. They do things as a group and I can not imagine just a pair of them (male & female) going out to do something along the lines of a meal and a movie if there was not something more to the situation.

I also feel the circumstance into which a friendship is born is essential. Maybe you went to the same school, workplace or social group or met through a friend or maybe it started with a relationship - are any more feasible than another? I don’t think so for whatever reason a bond was found & formed, an attraction had been born and if there was a physical attraction then possibly desire also.

If you have been friends for a matter of years whilst growing up it would probably be unlikely that all of a sudden you slip into temptation & become emotionally & physically involved with one another, but that wouldn’t alter the fact that the appeal still rests somewhere. For those of us who do have a long standing friendship(s) with someone of the opposite sex it is an extremely difficult and complicated issue to tackle, especially if/when you (or you’re friend) fall deeply in love with someone else - would you still feel as completely comfortable lying on the same bed as your boyfriend or would there be a sense of guilt? - or jealousy if the roles were reversed. For example would you truthfully feel 100% secure if your partner said they were going out with a friend for the evening and you bumped into them with an extremely beautiful/handsome person of your own sex? Should that matter? Some don’t acknowledge insecurity and say they don’t mind – I find that frankly hard to believe.

Control of self is not the issue here (or is it? can we admit to appeal and deny its worth or will it cause conflict latter on?). I do not dispute the fact that a male - female friendship can be controlled but there will always be a sense (no matter how slight) of infatuation on one side if not the other.

Therefore in conclusion I feel it is important how we nurture and maintain our friendships and to consider how we might sustain those friendships once either party begins a serious intimate relationship else where. The pureness of a male - female friendship is one which is built on rocky grounds and should not hold expectation.

Charlotte 14.01.2007

Ramone writes: To summarise all the points made in this interestingly mind gripping subject, I think it’s safe to say that the possibility of a Man and Woman being able to be Just Friends is likely to occur depending on the individual male and female mentality. The question relies solely on how each person views the opposite sex in the equation, how one thinks regarding the term friendship and even more intricately real friendship!

If a person values real friendship then inevitably it will work out fine, alternatively if a person doesn’t hold a real value for friendship then automatically failure is determined to proceed. Because let’s face it, the issue seems to be the fact that there is an underlying agenda, whether there is an attraction between one another and one of the two friends is considering exploring possible avenues outside the realm of just friendship, extending pass the existence of what appears to be genuine. Some people may be able to explore those feelings they’ve gained and soon realise it was a mistake and continue to how it was once before, BUT to be honest, is that really possible? As Lobeh explained in part one, once boundaries have been crossed between a male and female the genuine friendship element is lost…FOREVER! Your not really being friends, you are in fact “Pretending to be friends”, and “Pretend Friends” doesn’t constitute to anything worthwhile and lasting. There’s always going to be that thought in the back of ones mind, “What If”, and hopelessly waiting for them to come around and see you in the same way you see them.

So after this occurrence of crossed boundaries what is the conclusion I hear you ask…This once again refers back to the original summation of the mentality of the individuals in question, because you could take a boy and a girl who are friends who have crossed that friendship line, but lets say there was no feelings involved or even they were of a young age at the time, two people can grow to love each other in a brotherly sisterly way which will be completely different to that of a person of maturity or older age when the exploration may have occurred. But age also plays a big part in the individuals mentality towards friendship, this is not always the case but generally speaking the older you get the more you tend to value it (friendship), so feelings towards someone of the opposite sex is not clearly understood as it would initially be when of a mature age. I’m not saying that a boy and a girl can’t be friends when they are younger and can be when they are older; I’m simply saying that in order for a man and a woman to be Just Friends, it all depends on the mind set of the persons involved.

Ak-Man: Can boyz and gurls be just friends? Of course they can! But you didn’t need us to tell you that did you?

Do they want to be? That’s the problem; in most cases both parties don’t; you just won’t really know until one of you risks the friendship to find out. And yes, before you ask . . . I do think it’s worth risking a ‘friendship’ for. Why? Cos I don’t want to be another Arry, lusting after what’s possibly in arms reach.

Shakespeare said “That man that hath a tongue, I say is no man, if he cannot with his tongue win a woman.”

This isn’t to suggest by any means that you should chase every girl/boy (friend or foe) that you’re attracted to. No, I only use the quote in this article to suggest that if you don’t view the other person as just a friend then stop playing it safe; be a man (or woman of course) and lay your cards on the table. You’re ‘likely’ to either start something special and significant, or end something phoney and pretentious.

A to the . . .

. . . And company of course!

Louise (TeAsEr)
Ramone (Rugged MC)
Tolu (Blaze MC)
Charlotte (Sharlet)
Lobeh ( . . .?. . .)