Tuesday, 17 April 2007

I'll Pick You Up At 8

It’s easy to find single people, that’s never a problem. Finding someone compatible . . . now that’s where things get a little bit tricky. There’s always going to be something you don’t like about a prospective partner.

She smokes
She is too clingy
She is a gold digger
My friend(s) ‘banged’ her before
Only Tyra can pull of that forehead
Her husband will disapprove
She did hard time
My mum won’t like her

The list goes on . . . and on . . . and on unfortunately. You have a little bit of fun, find any old excuse to break up, and then go your separate ways.

Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

After playing the ‘game’ for some time it begins to lose its gloss, its appeal, its allure. You tell yourself ‘I want more, I want something serious.’ But where do I look? Which rock have you left unturned, which channel have you not pursued? It would appear that you have exhausted every avenue.

You’ve met people in bars and clubs, supermarkets, train stations, through education and sometimes the issue has been work related. Friends have set you up, this includes blind dates, and you’ve also hooked up with your friends. After all, it worked for Monica and Chandler. Your mum has brought somebody home and left the two of you to ‘hang out’ while she conveniently pops out for something. You’ve signed up to face-pic, pic-face, hi5, 5hi, MySpace, Friends Reunited, Uboot and so much more!

If you haven’t been on one of MTV’s dating shows as of yet, not only are you missing out on the experience of a lifetime, but your true love is possibly one show away.

I’m going to give all you singletons out there the heads up; I’ve whittled it down to three of the hottest shows!

1. Date My Mom
Allow me to give you the rundown.
One man dates three mothers. After the three dates he must pick one of the daughters to date based on the impression he gets from her mum. Good fun ey?

This is the show you go on if you’re looking for wifey. I wouldn’t suggest that you go on Date My Mom unless you’re “serious, serious”. Personally, I’ve vowed to never introduce my mum to a girl I’ve coupled up with unless it’s serious, serious. So I have no desire to date your mum unless I’m looking for an instant wifey.

The show’s appeal rests in its mystery. You don’t get to see the girl you’ve selected until the end of all three dates. Most guys will ask the mums what their daughters look like; this is a rookie mistake. Most mothers reply generically . . . Brittany Spears, Beyonce, J Lo, etc. I recommend that since you can’t see the daughter, you should spend your time finding out what she is like and if she is what you’re looking for. Yes, I know I take this too seriously but I’m here to save lives!

At the end of the day you hopefully go home with the treasure and not the trash. On one particular show a young man left with the talking trash (something like Oscar the grouch from Sesame St.), Oscar the grouch asked the young man when he’ll take her out for the date and he replied . . . “I’ll text message you.” If that isn’t a burn then Pro Evolution Soccer never changed my life in 2003.

2. Next

The Rundown.
You’re given the privilege of dating up to five individuals in one day. You date them one at a time and if you’re not feeling them you just say “Next”, and can move on to another option. You pretty much have five shots at finding a sweetheart. However, for every minute they stay on the date they earn a dollar. If you decide that you want to take the person on a second date they can either agree, or keep the money they have earned. The show ends at this point whether they agree to a second date or not. So Mr. Lucky might not date all five girls.

Ugh . . . so much more complicated than Date My Mom.

So why go on Next? Well, option is a beautiful thing. You can evaluate physical appeal, personality and compatibility in a matter of minutes, or in some cases seconds. Don’t like the menu . . . “Next”

The only downsides to this show are that you may get a weak selection of girls (or guys), or the girl you’re feeling might no be feeling you and she’ll leave with the cash . . . not so lucky now are you?

In spite of minor technicalities I’d love to go on Next . . .

A Nigerian girl
An ‘alternative’ girl
A nerdy girl
A bitch
A Nigerian girl

3. Dismissed
MTV’s legendary dating show . . . and also my personal favourite.

The Rundown.
If you don’t know about Dismissed then it’s highly likely that you just aren’t ready for it either. One guy, two girls, and two dates at the same time; at the end you dismiss one of your dates . . . oh it’s on!

So I sit back and let two girls fight, squabble and bitch at each other to win my affection. Girls have fought for me in the past, and competed for my adoration. This is pretty much the opposite of a humbling experience.

OK, so it’s only two girls and not five, not great odds to be honest, but if you get two good options then it’s quite likely that you’ll enjoy Dismissed more than anything you’ve experienced prior.

Each girl also gets a Time-Out card. This entitles her to 20 minutes of alone time with you (and the production crew of course). It is these time-outs that are likely to sway your decision, as the girl will stop competing and show you what she is all about. Some individuals use this as a chance to engage in deep and meaningful conversation; others ‘wisely’ use it to kiss-and-grope.

Apart from more women on the date, what else can you ask for?

So log off of your computers all you ‘digital pimps’, and stop spending all of your money in night clubs quenching the thirst of gold digging’ ho’s!
“What’chu drinking darling?”
Stop asking all your friends to ‘hook a brotha up’ and please, oh please, stop following all the hunnies to church!

P.S. All of you shy guys who struggle to approach girls might want to disregard the above shows and look toward something more elementary like Wanna Come In.

A to the . . .


HB said...

Hookers. Can't go wrong. Cost less in the long run as well.

Shrink wrapped scream said...

Oh Gawd, am I so glad to be ollld..
DON'T envy my kids, one bit!

Bart said...

Shudder...dating shows.

One reason we are under an absolute deluge of "reality" tv was the absolute deluge of dating shows at the turn of the millennium.

Ak-Man said...

You're all insane! These shows are so entertaining!

MTV cracked the formula with these three shows. Of course they cant be taken seriously but I can sit in front of my TV for 90 mins straight if these shows air back to back!

Check em out one day if you're channel hopping!

Doug said...

One that we tend to watch here
is " Parental Control " on MTV.
That one cracks me up!

Bart said...

Ak, if you're gonna talk MTV cracking the mold, you forgot Singled Out.

Ak-Man said...


I forgot about Singled Out, had to google it Bart.

That show was fun to watch! It was like a party and everyone was invited!

It'll be great if they did another season! . . . or aired re-runs.

Hmmmmm . . . i wonder if its on youtube?

Lady_T said...

My friend went on singled out 'just for the sake of it'. She didn't want to win but guess what? She did!

I remember walking with her (in the tube station; elephant & castle, close to home) and some guy came up to her and was like 'were you on singled out?' I mean, why would you even ask a question like that anyway? She covered her face in shame, I laughed with glee.

phaseoutgirl said...


Dating...I never understood any of these dating shows, and I always wonder who watches them?

Your site is fun.. will come back again..