Wednesday, 14 February 2007

Sasha Presents: With Dates Like These, Who Needs Ex's?

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. In the same way, I think that every guy and girl has their equal in our generation. Girls are so good at analysing and labelling guys. But, have we ever thought of the labels that we bear in their eyes? So in an alternate Valentine's Day approach, I want to show we're onto the guys and that butter doesn't necessarily melt in our mouths ladies...

The "DVD" Guy

Beware! This guy is the one that is A) cheap and B) horny. Firstly, you will most likely be watching the (pirate) DVD on a computer in his uni room, and, oh look, there's nowhere else to sit except his bed. How convenient. This "date" will only take place from 10pm onwards, will involve a film you've already seen and you won't even get through the opening titles before he is trying to fiddle with your bra strap.

His equal opposite: The "(fake) naive" Girl

I refuse to accept that when a guy says 'come to my house and watch a DVD' that a girl actually thinks she is going to watch a film. This brings me to the following conclusions. Either she is A) just as horny as him, or B) is so into the guy that she'll do anything to spend time with him. Guys, this is a win/win situation for you.

The "Nice" Guy aka the "friend" aka the "why are all the good girls taken every time?" Guy

This is the guy who will do anything for the girl of his affections in the hope that one day she'll realise she's always loved him (or she'll be drunk enough for him to make a move). I feel it for this guy. He gives emotional support and gets earache about what her man doesn't do. My advice? If you can't be a genuine friend, treating her as you treat your other acquaintances, give up the ghost.

His equal opposite: The "not-so-blind" Girl aka The "loves the bad boy" Girl

In most, but not all situations, this female's other half is a useless vagabond that she adores. Women have emotional intelligence and usually know how the 'friend' feels about them, and she tries to handle it, avoiding all awkward situations and coyly interrupting any sentence that begins, 'there's something I need to tell you...’ Lets' face it, she loves having an agony uncle on tap and a provider of adoration and attention when her man is M.I.A. Ladies, be fair, if your man can't give you the stuff that counts, that your 'friend' dishes out by the truckload, then your man shouldn't be your man. The difficulty is that we don't necessarily want what's good for us.

The "Links and Tings" Guy

The rage that the words 'link' and 'ting' bring to my little body mass is unspeakable. 'Ting' is a drink made by Jamrock manufacturers D & G, as far as I'm concerned. This guy sees you as a bum, a pair of thighs, and rashly, a day of the week. This guy wants a girl to do him and no one else without offering commitment; for you to arrive and leave within two hours. And the joke thing is, this is actually becoming a legitimate relationship form...

(SKHT*). *SKHT = Sasha kisses her teeth, get used to it.

His equal opposite: The "He can change/Why am I not good enough" Girl

This girl suffers from bi-polar disorder. One day she's the optimistic wifey-to-be, planning on how great things will be when he does this or becomes that. The next, she's having mood swings to rival Hurricane Katrina, beating herself up because he can't see her worth. Why don't you see your worth and move on? A link is something that bridges a gap on the way to another destination. Why do you want to be a day of the week to someone? Let's get this straight, sex comes AFTER love not the other way round, but your situation's different right? Yeah, course it is.

So who’ll be your Valentine? You’re guaranteed the DVD guy will score, (hopefully the fake na├»ve girl won’t be faking when she climaxes). The useless vagabond will forget, and the friend (who’ll have text ‘happy v. day!’ at midnight) will just happen to be there with Two Can Play That Game and a tub of Ben and Jerry’s. The link’s link, will wait in vain for a call that won’t come, ‘cos her assigned booty call day is Friday (Unlucky love).

Fair enough, it’s not all bad and some of you will have some seriously envy-inducing experiences, but if all the choice I’m left with is the above, Thank God I’m single!
Sasha . . .


Anonymous said...

Something fresh ! I totally agree with all that you say sasha. Today is valentines day so you know girls are expecting much more than they should ! All girls know how a man is going to treat them within the first 5 minutes of meeting them ! So girls stop complaining if he says 'i just wanna link you' ! U SHOULDA KNOWN FROM THE GET GO.

Well done sasha. You hit the nail on the head !

((Lobeh)) said...

Just sounds like another case of a bitter-single...Joke!
You have made some valid points but as you say there usually is someone for everyone so why dont we stop labelling eachother and start accepting difference and understanding our differences; whether relationship set ups or personal conduct; these are vital (to some extent) social interaction. Just so long as the guy and gal are on the same level and happy with arrangements, who are we to judge that.
I think we are too concerned about other peoples lives within black society e.g. "how does it affect you that i might get a weave next week, keep your eyes out my scalp!"