Me apparently.
And don’t look at me with those disappointed eyes please . . . I just needed a few weeks off. To be honest I would have been quite happy to take another week off of blogging but I’m forcing myself to return to this seedy business.
Thanks for sticking around people. I’m guessing that some of you checked here a few times expecting updates and fresh posts . . . my bad. And I’m guessing that some of you are a little pissed that I haven’t posted up ‘The Autobiography Of A Non-Smoker Who Kind Of Smoked . . . Part Three’. Yeah, I let you down . . . my bad.
Well I’m back now . . . prepare for the darkest shade of black.
To keep you all entertained while I touch up on Part 3 (which I actually finished long before I even went on holiday) here is a list of things I got in trouble for before I turned into a teenager.
- Smoking
Those of you who read ‘The Autobiography Of A Non-Smoker Who Kind Of Smoked . . . Part One’ will know that I caught a beating for this foolish act when I was about seven years old.
- Sugar Sandwiches
This happened before the smoking incident. My cousin saw me making a sugar sandwich and snitched on me . . . when my mum caught me the obvious punishment was a beating.
Ingredients for a sugar sandwich – Bread, butter and sugar. Distribute accordingly.
- Breaking Crockery
I started washing dishes when I was about six years old . . . this is normal in a Nigerian home. Most people wouldn’t be surprised if a six year old dropped a plate or two . . . but I got a beating each time I was caught.
- Laughing At My Aunt
This was inevitable. When your aunt is watching a Nigerian movie and shouting at the TV, the story is only going to end one way. I laughed at her . . . she gave me a beating.
- Getting Lost
Yes, I managed to get lost in a crowded market. I was looking a toy car . . . turned around and my mum was gone. Naturally I started crying . . . I was only five years old don’t laugh at me. A stanger put me on his shoulders so I could look through the crowd to try and find my mum. She came and got me . . . and brought a beating with her as if it was my fault.
- Coming Home Late
Coming home late from school or staying out past my curfew (which was 6pm) resulted in a beating. This happened frequently . . . I never even used to own a watch. “I didn’t know what the time was” that was an excuse that rarely flew.
- Drawing Boobies ( . )( . )
People were always snitching on me when I was younger . . . so much for friendship. In primary school I drew a few pictures of boobs in my text book. I thought this was hilarious of course . . . my friend did too. So why did he snitch? He told the teacher, the teacher called my mum in for a meeting; I got home and got beats.
- Moving My Hand
OK, I didn’t get beats every time I moved my hand . . . that would be extreme. When my dad used to dish out a beating he’d ask for my hand and whack it with a belt or slipper. For each time he swung and I moved my hand to evade he’d say ‘That’s two more!’ Five whacks usually turned into a drawn out ten.
As you can imagine, it was pretty hard for me not to get beats. I wasn’t a troublesome kid . . . and I usually learned my lesson each time. But as a child I regularly found new things that I wasn’t allowed to do.
A to the . . .
Those of you who read ‘The Autobiography Of A Non-Smoker Who Kind Of Smoked . . . Part One’ will know that I caught a beating for this foolish act when I was about seven years old.
- Sugar Sandwiches
This happened before the smoking incident. My cousin saw me making a sugar sandwich and snitched on me . . . when my mum caught me the obvious punishment was a beating.
Ingredients for a sugar sandwich – Bread, butter and sugar. Distribute accordingly.
- Breaking Crockery
I started washing dishes when I was about six years old . . . this is normal in a Nigerian home. Most people wouldn’t be surprised if a six year old dropped a plate or two . . . but I got a beating each time I was caught.
- Laughing At My Aunt
This was inevitable. When your aunt is watching a Nigerian movie and shouting at the TV, the story is only going to end one way. I laughed at her . . . she gave me a beating.
- Getting Lost
Yes, I managed to get lost in a crowded market. I was looking a toy car . . . turned around and my mum was gone. Naturally I started crying . . . I was only five years old don’t laugh at me. A stanger put me on his shoulders so I could look through the crowd to try and find my mum. She came and got me . . . and brought a beating with her as if it was my fault.
- Coming Home Late
Coming home late from school or staying out past my curfew (which was 6pm) resulted in a beating. This happened frequently . . . I never even used to own a watch. “I didn’t know what the time was” that was an excuse that rarely flew.
- Drawing Boobies ( . )( . )
People were always snitching on me when I was younger . . . so much for friendship. In primary school I drew a few pictures of boobs in my text book. I thought this was hilarious of course . . . my friend did too. So why did he snitch? He told the teacher, the teacher called my mum in for a meeting; I got home and got beats.
- Moving My Hand
OK, I didn’t get beats every time I moved my hand . . . that would be extreme. When my dad used to dish out a beating he’d ask for my hand and whack it with a belt or slipper. For each time he swung and I moved my hand to evade he’d say ‘That’s two more!’ Five whacks usually turned into a drawn out ten.
As you can imagine, it was pretty hard for me not to get beats. I wasn’t a troublesome kid . . . and I usually learned my lesson each time. But as a child I regularly found new things that I wasn’t allowed to do.
A to the . . .
13 comments:
"In primary school I drew a few pictures of boobs in my text book. I thought this was hilarious of course"....
Thought.... this is hilarious end of story, my olds just used to put me outside when I was naughty... which wasn't very often... so I guess I was lucky.
Lol AK, you know I can relate!
And thank you for moving your lazy fingers to start up posting again. I know how hard it is.
I'll be joining you soon A, but I'll speak to you about that later:)
Lady T
Joining me eh? Hmmmmmm . . . ok, we'll chat late. I wonder what whats about?
Pope Terry
You got sent outside? Thats so unfair, I never got that punishment and that's where I wanted to be!
My dad loved to tell the story of the time he got my grandmother mad at him, and she retaliated by THROWING A KNIFE AT HIM. He always told that story with a chuckle, but let me reiterate that...SHE THREW...A KNIFE.
Good thing for me she missed.
It is hard sometimes to get motivated to post I know where your coming from.
Thanks for stopping by ak
Jeez, you were one battered child, my man! (Hugs.)
Bart-
I thought I got it bad! You really have to be quick on your feet to dodge knives! What did he do to get her so mad?
Cool Top Ten-
Like your blog, but you have like five, I'ma check the rest out and see whats up.
Shrink-
Realk talk, too much beats, not enough hugs! The fams all cool now . . . plus i'm 22 now, nobody's is gonna ask me to hold out my hand for a beating.
Hey! Nice to see you back!
Sugar sandwich? That sounds ridiculously great, think I'll go make myself one of those... and I love that story about your aunt, seems like you got a lot of beatings growing up, haha!
Hi Ak-Man,
Laziness, you say? You're too good a blogger to let laziness get in the way.
Looking forward to more of your inimitable work, mate.
Cheers
David
I suppose I should get in on this too.
Here are a few things that sprung to mind while reading your post.
1) Nothing wrong with letting a blog lie fallow for a season. 2) I have made a sugar sandwich before, I didn’t get in any trouble. I was commended for my resourcefulness. Actually I wasn’t. I was ignored. 3) I once washed the dishes as a surprise for my mom, then she made me wash them for about a year after that. I learned a valuable lesson, don’t ever do anything nice for anyone. Thanks mom. 4) I got kissed by my aunt for hating her, and that made me hate her all the more. 5) Wrote 55378008 on a calculator, because it was the biggest (upside-down) word you you could make on a calculator, no other reason. 6) I used to get hit quite often, then I’d ask what I had done and get hit for asking. Needless to say, I still have no clue what I did wrong, but I’m pretty sure I’m still doing it.
Sebastien and David-
It's good to be back, let's see if I can get back on track now.
xymyl-
All I can say is whoa . . . had me cracking up. Similar stories different outcomes.
Hi ak-man,
Strangely enough some adults now pay for similar beatings but in a different way of course.
Cheers,
Doug ; )
my grandma used to make me sugar sandwich occasionally for a treat..it thought i died and went to heaven..thanks for that nostalgic nudge..
k
:)
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