Monday, 30 June 2008

James Presents: Is Time Travel Possible?

I am here today, to answer one question and one question only. It is THE question. The ultimate question. The question that man has asked ever since he first saw ‘Back to the Future’… Is it possible to travel in time?

Now… finally, after years of research, study, and pissing about getting stoned. I can reveal an answer! An answer, to the question of all questions…

And that answer…. Is yes.

It IS possible to travel in time! Or something to that effect.

The only trouble is it’s not the precise image that Time Travel conjures up… Less 80’s image of futuristic metals… Deloreans and phone boxes… and more sitting on the sofa in your pants on a Sunday Afternoon watching Thursday night’s Big Brother.

“It’s Time Travel for the masses!” – Michael Parkinson – On that Sky ad

Even Parky says Time Travel’s possible. (with the aid of Sky+) –
Imagine it… at some point in the past, if you wanted to watch The Bill, you had to be in whilst The Bill was on! How wank is that?! I don’t have time to take note of both WHEN The Bill’s on, AND to make sure I’m at home DURING. Cheeky bastards. – Mind you… who actually wants to watch The Bill?

Now… I’ve thought about this, and if I had the superpower to travel through time. One of the MAIN ways that I would abuse my power (and there would be many ways) would be to pause the TV whilst I went for a piss. You don’t expect me to believe Hiro Nakamura misses the football like a chump just so he can get a beer when he wants a beer? Of course he doesn’t. Even Superman had to fly around the world 200 times just to go back a few seconds!

I hear what you’re saying though… you’re saying:

‘O.K. You’re absolutely right. It IS possible to go BACK in time… but you said Time TRAVEL is possible. How the cock do you intend to go forward?’

And that’s a good question. If I had the superpower to control time, I’d throw myself forward too. In truth, it’s really very simple and anyone can do it…

All you have to do is think about how far forward you want to go, and therefore how you want to ‘connect’ with yourself in a way that you know you (future you) will understand. There are loads of different ways you can choose to do it. My personal favourite method of time travel surprisingly, is not a spaceship, a toaster, or a flux capacitor… but e-mail.

I have crucial information that Future Me needs to know about. Future Me obviously DID know about it, because Future Me used to be Present Me who has only recently become privy to said information. However both Future Me, and Present Me are human and therefore forget things. Neither of us can be expected to remember EVERYTHING we know. Especially if the particular piece of information is rendered completely and utterly irrelevant until the time at which it needs to be called upon. Why bother then, even attempting to remember information that is completely useless to you? It’s just clogging up valuable brainspace that could be used for a sudoku. Or if you’ve got friends, to have an intelligent conversation with them.

How much easier would it be if I could simply travel forward in time, find Future Me, ask him how it’s going… how’re the kids?

“Oh really, little Timmy got an A on his Science Project? Brilliant. Oh by the way… actually the reason I came by… You remember a few months ago you got an invitation to Jake and Courtney’s wedding? …”

“Hmm? Yeah I think she’s gotten a bit fat actually. Oh she’s lost it now? Well… good for her.”

“Anyway, I just wanted to remind you it’s this weekend. Just making sure you didn’t have any plans.”

“Yeah yeah, no problem. I’ll probably remind you again just before hand. Make sure you don’t forget.”

How much easier would life be!? No more forgotten anniversaries. No more work trip/child’s Christmas play schedule cock-ups! And all it takes is for you to do a bit of time travel. You can even wear goggles and a silly hat if you like. Or a stupidly long 8ft multicoloured woolly scarf.

Send an email to yourself with the desired information you wish not to be forgotten… Don’t open it… and every time you open your emails, you’ll be reminded of the information. Leaving you free to get on with your life. You can even put the date that you want to travel forward to in as the subject. So you know you will open it when it is required.

How good is that?! Time Travel!

Admittedly, I could just keep quiet about it, and keep this gold for myself. I could probably turn myself into a superhero or something. But then, what kind of superhero would I be if kept something this good away from the people. The very people I have sworn to protect.

This is truly the stuff of science fiction. It’s becoming reality. And I am the person to bring it to everyone! Suck on that ‘Tomorrow’s World’!


Bart said...

Of course time travel exists. We're all time traveling right now. Very slowly forward, but still time traveling.

My friends and I pretty much came up with the theorem that if one were to "sci-fi" time travel, your very existence, your molecules being someplace where they shouldn't, in another time would alter that timeline immediately. No illicit materials were taken before this conversation, either.

Alex L said...

Hmmmm, your either a genius or completely mental... I'll leave it for the future to decide.

Ak-Man said...

bart: 'We're all time traveling right now. Very slowly forward, but still time traveling.' That's up for debate... I see what you mean, but isn't the awe and mystery surrounding time travel more in line with creating the possibility of breaking away from this set time line, and not just rolloing with it.

alex l: Don't you have to be a bit mental to be a genius? I think the world would be a better place if you instead had to be a genius before you could be mental...

Shrinky said...

Speaking for the future you (and I'm well qualified; kids, mortgage, hubby, etc.), trust me, the future you will hate your sanctimonious ass for reminding you of yet another duty you mustn't forget to fulfil. In fact, you may travel back in time just to administer some suitable torturous punishment to the present you for being so smug as to even believe you will WANT to be reminded you were once so young and nieive as to believe your would be advice would turn out to be even so much as remotely helpful..

(Okay, maybe I'm just a tad ahead of you here, but truly, the future you is NOT gonna' thank you for it, believe me, I know these things..)

david mcmahon said...

Hang on - I'll get into the Tardis to answer that!!

Anonymous said...

Re: Shrinky

I was talking about talking to myself a few days into the future, maybe even a week. Not quite the yearly measurable time scale you seem to be talking of.

However now you come to mention it. My own young and naive advice, may (and most probably will) turn out to be as helpful as an underwater hairdryer to long term future me...

However I still think it'd be nice to hear what young naive me had to say on matters I may have (and now am) experiencing. It wouldn't help me in any way no. But I'd be interested to be reminded of what I once thought. If only to verify my future current thoughts on matters.

Plus... I don't think my future me could hate anyone for something so little. I at least hope I will not become that much hateful a person. That is admittedly something I would need time travel abilities to find out.... Lucky then.

ScholarLee said...

You are certainly bananas, but I truly appreciate the perspicacity and philosophical acuity required to birth such a theory. My neighbour grows some good stuff. I shall reserve judgment of your mental state for future blogs. (or are they blogs you have already conceived and sent to "future you"?)
If you are interested in something much more bland, please visit my blog at

Count Sneaky said...

This is good entertaining writing and we need more of it. You have the talent!
Enjoyed it. My best Count Sneaky