Ak-Man And Microsoft Paint Presents: ‘A Few Of My Favourite Things’

I can’t think of a practical use for Microsoft Paint. It’s pretty lame unless you have the imagination of an eight year old, or a ridiculous amount of spare time on your hands.

…So I decided to use it to illustrate ‘A Few Of My Favourite Things’. These pictures took longer to do than you might think (not really) and I put a lot of thought into it.

So yeah, anyway . . . I’ll let the pictures do the talking.

So many colours from a biro,
I’m trying to put my mind on a page.
All that gushes out is colours,
Uncontrollably, it needs to be arranged.

I was handed a paintbrush.
No one ever taught me how to paint.
I just run wild on the canvas,
It’s easy when you don’t know what to say.

By Ak-Man

A to the . . .

Four Is My Favourite Number Anyway . . .

Before I get started I’ll like to thank Copper Stiletto for nominating my blog site for David McMahon's weekly blog awards (The Aussies). I read her blog very often, in fact its one of my favourites (not just saying that). She came second on the list this week, which should tell you something.

The list was put up on Saturday, I almost forgot to check it out because I don’t really chill online on weekends. When you spend so much time on the net at work you kind of run out of things to do online when you get home.

-Oh, that’s it! Downloading, that’s what I mainly use the net for at home-

Naively I checked out the list and started from the top. This set me up for disappointment; well that was my first reaction. I can’t lie in the name of humility. I scrolled down checking if my blog had made the list at all, and got about halfway before I scrolled up again looking for my URL (maybe I missed it?) . . . I scrolled down further, and further . . . and then a bit more. Then I got to the bottom.

I started going through the motions.

There was anger . . . “What? How is this possible? I’m the best damn it! How dare you offend me like this I shall have my revenge on you!”

Then there was denial . . . “Maybe there was a formatting error and the list was writ in reverse. I should email him and double check, just in case.”

There was more denial . . . “I don’t care, it’s just a stupid list anyway”

A little bit of self resentment . . . “Maybe my blog just isn’t that great”

Finally appreciation . . . “Four is my favourite number anyway”

Ok, so there is a huge difference between four and forty (thirty-six) but I looked at the list and thought to myself “there I am”. There are LOADS of active blog sites out there, and I know this for a fact because I spend a lot of time at work looking for good ones to read (they are hard to find). So for Mr. McMahon (a pro writer) to see my blog as attention worthy . . . well, that’s a great credit indeed.

I’m not accepting defeat by the way, I’ll be number one on that list in due time. The spirit of competition is flowing through my bones now. So if you find yourself laughing uncontrollably in your chair, crying self reflectively or even thinking introspectively, thank Copper Stiletto and Mr. McMahon for pushing a modest writer over the edge.



The villagers should have gone after Frankenstein . . . not his monster.

A to the . . .

Mr. Know It All

Nobody likes a smart-ass right? Well surely they’d prefer that to a dumbass . . .

Some people receive (junk) emails and nod in agreement when the obvious is questioned. Or they gasp in amazement when the unbelievable is presented as truth (conspiracy theories and photoshopped images). I however frown at my intelligence being offended by stupid questions which require very little thought if any.

I have an answer for almost everything, even it’s just an opinion or its just plain wrong. If I genuinely don’t know I’ll admit to that (eventually) and ask for the answer, there’s no shame in that. But if someone asks you ‘some’ of the following questions and you scratch your head in thought . . . well then lets just hope you're better looking than they are.

When you're driving and looking for an address why do you turn down the volume on the radio?
This is the kind of question annoying passengers ask when you’re lost and they are listening to one of their favorite songs. “Hey, why are you turning it down? I was listening to that!” Tell them to buy an mp3 player and start riding the bus! It’s a lot easier to concentrate without a passenger and the Red Hot Chili Peppers singing a duet about Cali . . . again. “Put my Nas CD back in the player. I’ll start listening to the Chili Peppers when they start making sense.”

Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
This really isn’t as smart as it sounds. If everything built was called a ‘built’ . . . ? Well hopefully you can foresee the problem with that.

Do fish sleep?
Yes, why wouldn’t they?
Oh I get it, you want to see a fish sleeping so you can tap on the glass and wake it up, then send it swimming (in fear) to the other side of the tank . . . where you’ll be waiting with a big grin on your face ready to send it right back.

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
This question isn’t too stupid I must admit. It’s something I also do, maybe out of habit, maybe out of hope, but most likely our of laziness. Remote control batteries should easily last the best part of a year, and this goes for clock batteries also. A clock can stay broken for a few days in my house before someone takes a battery out of the remote control to fix it. Then someone takes the batteries out of someone’s unattended CD player to fix the remote, and the CD player’s owner gets new batteries for their CD player. It’s ‘The Lion King’ all over again.

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
OK, this is the God Vs. The Evolution Theory question all over again.
I didn’t come from a monkey, and no scientist can prove that I did. I just had to get that out of the way.
Monkeys (yes I know there is a difference between monkeys and apes) may be the closest animals to the human race, but they are not human, and humans are not monkeys. There are some humans who act like monkeys, and vice versa of course, but I’m yet to see a monkey driving a car (manual/stick shift) or a human casually jump from one tree to another, banana in hand. People did not evolve from apes; at best we evolved from dumb humans . . . some of us anyway.

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
This question isn’t stupid, it’s just funny!
Like the remote control question it’s funny because it true. I do this also. It’s a matter of hope; you hope that you’ll see something you missed on previous visits. You hope someone may have slipped some food into the fridge between then and now. You hope that an ingenious idea will pop into your head and you’ll be able to make a meal out of butter, ketchup and lettuce. You hope, and then you open the fridge, and then you . . . start looking through cupboards also because you spend 15% of your wages on takeaway and the shops owners know you on a first name basis.

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Because you’re clumsy.
It just took you three hours of online browsing to find a recipe that consists of butter, ketchup and lettuce; you aren’t quite ready to watch your only meal of the day fall all over the floor are you? So yeah, your lunge to save the plate is quite exaggerated, but you caught it with ‘monkey like’ like athleticism at the expense of your remote control. Meh . . . it wasn’t working properly anyway.

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
That’s so smart . . . NOT! Asking this question also puts you in the dumb position of assuming that money does in fact grow on trees.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Did you order a pizza or a round ‘box’?
For someone with no food in their fridge you should just be happy that you have pizza. The pizza boxes are flat packed like beds from IKEA. If they were made round then this would make things a lot more difficult and expensive for the 'box' producers and consumers. Expect a rise in pizza prices.
Oddly enough a square box is more practical because the corners make the pizza slices easier to access.

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Because they slept like a baby, they never woke up crying like one.
When babies sleep it’s VERY hard to wake them up. You can take them out of the baby seat in the car, and into their bed at home without them making a noise. If fact, you can make as much noise as you want, babies are deep sleepers.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Pardon?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings & then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
The world looks a lot different up there, and you can see things that you cant down here. The binoculars help you to see things a lot clearer, if you were as smart as you like to think you are you may have brought your own pair up with you.

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Well it depends why you went to the doc in the first place. If you have a cold and end up naked in a doctor’s office then shame on you. It’s an issue of politeness, we all value our privacy. Plus getting undressed in front of someone makes it seem like a show and I aint dancing for prescription drugs.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
OK, this is a sensible question; a light for the freezer would be beneficial. If your have a common fridge-freezer you may notice that the freezer has no light but the fridge does. Freezers and fridges are designed differently, if you put a light in the freezer you wouldn’t be able to see much at all because of the way the compartments are layered, thus making the light pointless.
Next time, just turn on the kitchen light.

Can blind people see their dreams?
Ask a blind person.

Why does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Now you’re just being annoying.

A to the . . .

24 Hours Until The End Of The World

Sticking with the jubilant theme of the world coming to an abrupt end, I decided to document my last 24 hours on earth. Maybe when I get to heaven, a television series can be produced in a similar style to ‘24’ . . . good times.

What’s on my ‘to do list’? It’s not just that I have 24 hours to live, the whole world as we know it will cease to exist. Scary isn’t it?

Here’s how I’d likely to play out the final day. . .

06:00

Everyone’s screaming is waking me up; I get told by my family that the world will be over in 24 hours. Its way too early for this nonsense, I tell them to shut my door behind them and I go back to sleep.

08:00

My alarm wakes me up and I remember the earlier ruckus. I of course don’t believe this until I look out my window and see (well I watch) vast amounts of people having sex and fighting in the field behind my house. It’s then confirmed to me when I turn on the TV and see warning notices on every channel! I brush my teeth, have a shower and put on my best clothes. (Jeans and a T-Shirt)

12:00

I rush back into my house (from the field) and have another shower. I reply to some text messages and call some friends. Not wanting to waste anymore time I switch on my PS2 and relax with a few games of Pro Evolution Soccer 6.

13:40

I call my mum to find out where my family are. She tells me that she’s in church with my dad, brother and sister. She tells me that they have left me the keys for the Tigra and that I should meet them at church. I stop at McDonalds (which is still open) and get a large Chicken Premiere meal with a still Fanta and two apple pies. I tell the cashier to keep the change (2 pence) and speed off to church breaking sharply in front of speed cameras.

14:00

I get to church, it’s packed! They are listening to everyone’s testimonies of their life and singing praise songs between each person. After a couple hours I look outside the church window, everyone looks like their having fun. I sneak out of the building and jump in the car. I start calling people and say some of the realest words I’ll probably ever speak. I get a call form *BLEEP* and she tells me to come to her house. I start the car and make my way there.

16:30

I get to *BLEEPS*’ house. She made me a nice meal. We eat and chat for a while, I apologise to her and explain my side of the story, she does the same, we hug and make up. Very sweet and all that but I’ve been getting text messages and missed calls from another girl who I REALLY need to visit ASAP! I leave *BLEEP* at her house and sense that she wanted a bit more than just a chat and hug. Oh well, times against me.

19:00

I get to *BLEEPS* house and it’s on before I even take off my jacket! Good times are enjoyed!

19:12

Me and *BLEEP* get into an argument and she kicks me out. What a bitch!

19:15

I’m chilling in the car when *BLEEP* taps the window; she get in on the passenger side and we make our peace with each other. A Kiss To Send Us Off then she leaves.

20:00

The reality of the world ending starts to sink in. It took a while but I’m actually scared now. It’s becoming too much for my mind to take so I call up *BLEEP* and tell him to meet me with all the alcohol he can get his hands on. I park outside his house and he gets in the car with alcohol and snacks. We get drunk in the car whilst talking about our lives and spilling out our guts about some of the dumb shit we’ve done over the years . . . and dumb shit we’ve done today!

23:45

I’ve got to get to church! I drive back east with the windows down trying to shake off this high.

00:30

I chill in the car (outside the church) for a few minutes and finish a bottle of water. I make a few more calls, respond to a few more text messages, and head back in to the church.

01:00

5 hours left till it’s ALL over. I find my family and tell them all how much I love them. After this I pray and pray and pray . . . mainly for forgiveness. I pray for my soul, and for all my friends and family.

05:59

Everything goes silent, no one says a word. It rapidly gets darker and I begin to feel an outer body experience. Everyone seems to disappear from around me, then . . .

A to the . . .

Sasha Presents . . . Her Own Blog Site

It wasn’t her . . . it was me.
Maybe I didn’t treat her right, let her know she was special; say the sweet things that would have made her stick around.
Maybe she just out grew me, was I holding her back?
Maybe her pen was too big for my page and she has so much more to say.
Maybe I never paid attention to the little things; spelling, punctuation and grammar . . .

At least I never go the lets just be friends speech, that’s bonus right? Shows that there is at least hope. She said:

“Hope you don't feel I'm stepping on your toes. Sash x”

Nah . . . wouldn’t matter if you were either; I’ve got Tims on.

OK, it’s not that serious for a few reasons; I’ll put the Kleenex away shall I?

We weren’t J Lo and Ben, Justin and Cameron, Brad and Jennifer . . . or even Brittany and Kevin. I have shaved my head bald on a couple of occasions, but that was out of boredom, not because of a fragile mental state. It’s A Darker Shade Of Black, not a crazier one.

I have always wanted her to start her own site because she has a lot to say, and she’ll say it in ways that I won’t/don’t.

The biggest problem is that I’ll now have to write more to keep the updates coming. Having someone else who likes writing possibly more than you do is a great asset indeed, it gives you the opportunity to take more ‘breaks’, and put more effort into each piece, because you aren’t as rushed.

So now I’ll step my game up and bring more meat to the table, more fuel to the fire and more . . . sand to the beach?

Check her out over at:
www.morethanhairandbeauty.blogspot.com

In loving memory . . .

Laugh.Relate.Think

A to the . . .

The Race To End The World . . . who will win?

The three main contenders are:

1. God
2. Man
3. Nature
4. Technology (Not yet in full contention)

People have been screaming that the world will end for quite some time now. The boy keeps crying wolf and nobody can even be bothered to tell him to ‘shut up’ anymore. Will the world end in my life time? I hope not, and I don’t think so either. I’ve come this far, don’t really want to leave earth by default. I want to grow old and tell my grandchildren stories about how the iPod cornered the market, the rise of Youtube, the evolution of MSN, and why I never joined MySpace. It seems however that many ‘things’ don’t want to see this happen.

Who (or what) will end the world?

Technology . . .

When I say technology I’m a bit undecided on its potential to end the world. Technology, I believe is more likely to wipe out Man (its creator) than to end the world. You see, technology can’t really do much until Man develops Artificial Intelligence (see Terminator 1 - 3, and The Matrix 1 - 3). If this does occur prepare to be liquidized into battery form as computers rage-out with an Oedipus complex.

“Welcome to the desert of the real” – Morpheus

Mother Nature . . .

She sounds so sweet doesn’t she? Open your window, beauty is all around us. Smell the pretty flowers, walk along the beach as the waves crash against the shore, look up at the clouds as the birds fly across your view and notice how they (the clouds) remind you of bunny rabbits, Bambi, and roses, “Hey, that one looks like a Blackberry”. Isn’t nature beautiful?

Do I really need to go on about Tsunamis, Hurricanes, Earthquakes, Snow, (yes snow, I hate it) etc? I should hope not. It seems as though we have pissed her off doesn’t it? We’re ruining her perfect ecological balance in exchange for natural disasters. I’d be vexed if I was her, “I do so much for you and this is how you repay me? Ok, let’s see how you deal with a little bit of bad weather” *insert evil laugh here*

Can Mother Nature end the world? Not without ending herself also. I think she is just trying to shake us up a little. Its working too, look at the Global Warming campaigns.

Man . . .

Me and you, them and us. We are in fact a pain in the ass of Mother Nature and of course one another. Anything dead or alive, fact or fictitious, good or bad will have at one point felt the wrath of mankind’s lust for destruction. Everything must be eaten, burnt, sold or used past the point of depletion. No stone shall be left unturned, no blade of grass un-trampled. If this wasn’t bad enough please introduce war, WOMD, terrorism and of course global warming. To bask in your glory put all of this on a computer and develop and program which calculates Doomsday, just so we know in advance when we would have achieved our greatest feat yet . . . the end of the world.

Forget the preservation of life, we want to be like God, in fact, we want to be God! We want to beat him at his own game (I don’t think he’s playing though) as a big thank you for creating us and giving us all we need to survive and live happily.

Can Man bring the world to an end? O yes we can and we’ll probably get quite close before God tears open the sky with his bare hands and brings all existence to their knees. “It wasn’t my fault” we’ll all yell, “Bigger boys made me do it” . . . I honestly don’t want to be around for this.

If I stumbled across a magic lamp whist searching for treasure in Egypt (my typical weekend) and a genie popped out offering me three wishes I wouldn’t waste a single one on world peace! One-billion pounds would last a lot longer; a KFC family bucket may in fact last longer; the flavor from a Wrigley’s juicy fruit stick of gum may in fact last longer than world peace.

God . . .

My money is on God ending the world. Not only has He told us He will end the world, He also told us how he will do it. Hows that for bravado? Expect a lot of fire, flying horses and angels. Those of you who don’t like surprises should read the book of Revelations. It’s the last book in the Bible, and is a real spoiler, quite scary also. The ‘rapture’ doesn’t sound like anything to joke about so I won’t say too much at all.

Why does God want to end the world?
So that there can be a new heaven and a new earth. Old things shall pass away. God is the originator; He had everything planned out before he even got things started so I can’t see him letting the other ‘contestants’ beat Him to the post. When your in control you let others think what they want, it doesn’t bother you, you don’t even have to say ‘I told you so’, they’ll just know.

I once dreamt that the world had been blown to pieces by Sadam. People were floating in space, on chunks of earth. It was weird . . . very weird. This was a long time ago by the way, probably when I was 12 or 13.

A to the . . .

Sasha Presents: Akwaaba to Open-mindedness!!

Ten years ago, you had the well settled Caribbean’s referring to the recent influx as 'boo-boo's' (name calling = possible hostile familiarity of our own Wind rush journey nearly 60 years previously). Now, however, name calling is not just for those from opposing sides. ‘Af’ doesn’t mean ‘of African heritage,’ as I frequently hear Ghanaians and Naijas etc referring to their own not-so-well adjusted counterparts as afs, freshies and JJC's (Johnny Just Come).

Growing up with heavy influence by my (mainly Nigerian) sistas, I'd like to share my cultural musings with you from a Jamaican/Guyanese P.O.V. I, personally, love the cultural melting pot that's going on, though some may not agree. Last year, I visited Ghana for my birthday. To me, it meant sunshine, food, education, but you'd be surprised how many times this conversation occurred:

Them: You're going Ghana? I didn't know you were Ghanaian.

Me: I'm not.

Them: So what are you going to Ghana for?

To which I'd say, ' Oh, you're not English. What are you doing doing here then?’

I expected that small-mindedness from my parents’ generation. Is it ignorance or a fear of the unknown? Rebellion against the multi-cultural world we live in? Or is it purely an attempt to retain our identities and culture without it being watered down? Maybe it's a mix of all of these things, though we're not as dissimilar as we may think.

You call it plantain; we call it plantin (though the adding salt to it will never make sense to my sweet taste buds). Speaking of salt, there's another commonality: high blood pressure. You have yam pounded, we have it whole with ackee and salt fish. Ghanaians are on banku, we've got our cornmeal, but tilapia and escoveitch fish are essentially the same dish.

I'm sure that 'malt' should be THE continent wide drink of Africa. There's not an Af household I know of without a crate of the stuff stashed somewhere, meanwhile, while us Jamrocks appreciate supermalt, pass us a dragon stout, Red Stripe or Guinness and we're bredrins for life!

There is only one mystery that defies me. Why is it that when you're offered stew, you're offered chicken or meat (pronounced mit)? What, because chicken isn't a meat all of a sudden? And what is meat? Beef, lamb, goat, veal?! Boy whatever it is, it tastes good! Answers on a postcard anyway!

Even though it's just a comical look at food, and I’m fully aware of the complexities of this subject, you can see, there's nothing to be scared of! We inhabit some of the most beautiful, culturally rich countries in the world and we should delight in, not shy away from proudly sharing our histories and our futures. I'm on it, if for no other reason than knowing that I can bop into one of my many 'aunties' households, pronounce 'Ebi n pa mi' (Yuroba for I'm hungry!), and I'm sorted with a plate of Jollof quick time!

One thing I know for sure is that I'll be donning my kente cloth and jamming to Mz'bel come Saturday! Not because I’m a culturally inept 2nd generation Brit, but because I delight in any forwardly progressive, stereotype changing, celebratory exhibition of my blossoming, powerful, black people. Ghana Independence means I'm honorary Af for the day. Head tie and all!

Sash